Eurovision 2005 Semi-final
”Hi Piglet,
What's up? I've been avoiding your blog lately, due to my increasing
pathological disgust of all things Eurovision -- sorry about that :o)”
This is how the e-mail I got yesterday started, from a very lovely heterosexual man in Ireland, Eurovisioncountry of er… Europe. I was planning on replying “you silly bugger, my reviews were ages ago, it’s all safe now!” but then I realised it would be a lie. After all, only three days from now is the semi-final. Which means it’s high time for me to make my scoresheets (I cannot trust my guests to provide them), buy more booze and silent-when-chewed-foods, two videotapes, flags of random countries (preferably European) and of course to post my…. Eurovision Semi-final recap!!
“But Piglet, haven’t we heard this all before”. Yes, you have. Rather literally even. But since my last posts I’ve listened to the Official Eurovision CDonce or twice constantly, and I’ve been able to cast an ear (can one cast “ears”?) on the “improved” versions of all the songs. So without further ado -and in case you missed it the first time- here’s the original review coupled with the “re-review”. Proof that I still have way too much time on my hands.
Eurovision 2005
1. Austria: Global Kryner - Asi.
(the Global-thingie being the name of the band) I doubt you've ever heard a mix of Spanish, English and alpine music. No. I'm sure you haven't. The Girlfriend pukes instantly upon hearing it, but I'm a huge fan. Though I could have done without the yodelling.
See, I knew I'd get your attention one way or the other.
I'm hoping for lederhosen. Enough said.
Since listening to this on the CD, Le Feux and I (both huge fans at first) have to admit we’ve gotten rather sick of it. Of course, you only hear it once on Eurovision, but our plethora (oh boy) of friends who’ve had the CD inflicted upon them during visits (Piglet-and-Merlina mansion is no longer a safe haven!) were all equally destructive about it. So I’m afraid this might be a no-no. Then again, there is the drindl and the lederhosen. So that makes up for a lot.
2. Lithuania: Laura and the Lovers - Little by Little
So much for getting your attention, because this song immediately ruins it.
Written by two Swedes, we can only fear for another Swedish plot (ahem), but I don't think we have much to fear. It's got the typical Eurovision lyrics (though I've not spotted a "fire-desire" combination yet) and pop-light melodies.
And why does the lovely girl look like a vampiric zebra here?
Unfortunately my brain seems to have deserted me during the countless listens to the CD and I’ve grown to like this song. My semi-final Eurovision guests will therefore probably have to endure my singing along to it and actually supporting it. I do apologise.
3. Portugal - Amar
And feel free to sink further and further into your coma. "Amar" is sung in Portuguese/English (how very 2003), at least it is in the version I have here, by what looks like a very attractive gay boy and a "Gemma from Uk-nihil-points"-lookalike. Recepe for disaster?
Thankfully I still hate this song. Come on Portual, I don’t care if you send Rita bloody Guerra again, even that would’ve been better (said the woman who became a fan of Deixha Thingie two years after its release)
4. Moldova: ZDOB [shi] ZDUB -Boonika bate doba
Band names like this make you feel sad they only mention the country doesn't it. It would have been fabulous if every point-giver would have to pronounce this band. The English version of this title is "grandmamma beats the drum-a". Yes, the "drum-a". How close is Moldova to Jamaica?? I foresee "rappers-fingers", pointing, an elephant on stage and scary hats.
From what I’ve heard so far, there’ll be no elephants, but there will be a grandmother in a rocking chair, beating the drum-a. Which I would feel is at least as good. Perhaps they should have a palmtree- backdrop as well….
5. Latvia: Walters & Kazha - The war is not over
As if the title of the song isn't enough, the gentlemen are wearing suits made of carpets. Yes, carpets. It could be curtains. I'm willing to discuss it. Watch if you don't believe me. Despite the annoying sweetness of it all, the lack of pronouns ("someone is winner" - no sweetie, "the winner") and the carpet-suits... I think I quite like this. In an adolescent "let's change the world but not listen to the lyrics too much"-way.
And this just goes to show how much influence I have in the world that is Eurovision. These gents have taken my advice: they’re no longer wearing carpets (at least not in the rehearsals) AND they’ve changed the lyrics. The CD has them singing “the winner” and “the loser”. Honestly lads, good work. The gents have also decided to do the “sign language” thing, because they were probably too lazy to figure out a decent choreography. Unfortunately, probably because I’m not deaf and don’t know sign language, this song has lost its appeal to me.
6. Monaco: Lise Darly - Tout de moi
Hang on, this is "prenez soin de notre planète" again! Or not. You know, I really can't tell. On second thought I think this song is even more boring, sung by a less-good looking girl. I'm not sure if she'll sing it in English (with a heavy French accent) or in French (as the version I'm listening to now). In any way, I guess it can compete with our very own Belgian song for "most boring moment of the contest". Which is nice as well.
I rest my case, your honour. At last a song I still feel the same about!
7. Israel: Shiri Maimon - Hasheket shenishar
Unfortunately no castrate this time (boy did I love that guy when he shouted "everybody" in a deep voice, scaring me to death) but a blond lady. And not a single mention of "ava"! Never has a contest been as good for anyone's Hebrew as Eurovision... But I digress. The Blond Lady and her powerballad. Well, I'm a sucker for Hebrew so it's no surprise that I rather enjoyed this. Man, that language is sexy.
On another note, when the official website writes "the microphone was her first toy" as a quote about her, I can't help but think perverse thoughts. Is that just me or are you with me on that one?
Shiri has read the “Eurovision Handbook” and has since decided to sing the last verse in English “because it’s important that all of Europe understands what she’s singing”. How very 2003 of her.
8. Belarus: Angelica Agurbash - Love me tonight
Ah, a member of the "axis of evil" if you listen to Condoleezza (yes, she and I are on a first-name basis). Turns out the poor reactions to Boys and Girls ( but who can tell in Belarenglish) made the Belaruski choose a pretty average disco song for the same singer. Erm... well. Yes. Deen without the prominent beat, the toplessness (one hopes) and flaming queen. Tsk. Where's the point then?
Le Feux stands by his “bad Eurovision choice” theory, but I ‘ve started to love this. Well, it is a rather average disco song, after all, it’s right up my alley. Ideal for car rides on the motorway, singing fabulously flat, preferably in two voices (“ooh ooh oooh” vs “love me tonight”). Yeah baby! Give it to me!
9. The Netherlands: Glennis Grace - My impossiblede-ream dream
It's powerballad two, the fourth ballad for the semi-finals and... it has its effect. During the National Finals I quite liked this song (though obviously Chastity was my favourite. Obviously) but after listening to it in the semi-finals order... well, it seems to have lost everything. It's just dull. Perhaps it's because I miss the wild hair, the golden dress or Miss Glennis herself, I don't know. Do pay attention to her "gangsta" English when she goes "De-ream" and "the-rown" instead of "dream" and "thrown". Got to love it.
Uponbeing inflicted with the Eurovision CD and hearing this song Sven, notorious in his pretend-Eurovision-hate (he’s a queen, it’s all relative), went “is Whitney Houston taking part?”. He even did the “hand thing” perfectly. If Glennis were to fall ill, I’ve already found them a replacement.
10. Iceland: Selma - If I had your love
And finally we're rid of the ballads (for now anyway)! Selma is back (Selma from 1999's second place, you cretins (yes, I had to look it up, my Eurovision obsession was only just starting then)) and she's brilliant. Or she will be if the act is good. Sure, the song's simple, repetitive, but this is Eurovision, people. This could go all "Xandee" or all "Diva", I honestly don't know. Oooh, the excitement of it all!
Oh Selma, the crappy sound system (if one can call it a “sound system”) in my car can hardly handle this song, that’s how much I love it.
11. Belgium : Nuno Resende - Le grand soir
Welcome back to tonight's most annoying ballad/wannabe-powerballad show. I'm Belgian, I'm allowed to be cruel about this. There are just no words. I've heard he's planning on wearing a suede carpet-patterned suit (this is becoming a theme), he's microscopically clipping his beard and he's going to have a sex change live on stage.
Ok, I made those last two things up (well... the beard... it could be). I have to invent stuff to make up for how boring this entry is. It's shameful. But! But! Since I liked last year's Xandee... rather loved it in fact... and horrible "things" like "Du Bist" (Austria) got higher than her, evil manufactured creatures like Sakis Rouvas even became third... well, in that view you could say that this song stands a great chance. The songs I like hardly ever do well, so that might be good news.
No?
Ah hell, he's Portuguese and singing in French, that should give us some votes (two).
The Latvians may have listened to me, Nuno hasn’t. There’s no act, a carpet suit, the beard and he’s gone and got himself a throat infection. That’s not the way to go sweetie. Ah well. I’m sure Le Feux’ and my version of this song will find its way on the net sometime and make the song into a cult hit. Ahem.
12. Estonia: Suntribe - Let's get loud
And this song should shake you awake again! It's the Estonian Spice Girls, singing Estonenglish and I love them. It's a catchy song (took two hours to write), they look about 16 and I foresee a funny dance routine (unless they fuck up by bringing instruments on stage. Yuck. Imagine that). The Girlfriend's not a fan, but she'll just have to learn to love it. I'll be playing it often enough.
There’s two songs that have girls (the singers) going “whooo” this year and this is one of them. It also still has me going “whoo”, but pretty much no-one else. Ah well. We can’t have it all.
13. Norway: Wig Wam - In my dreams
COME ON COME ON COME ON! LOVE IS ALL OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVER ME (over me)! It's on to this year's winner (unless I just doomed them) because this song is fan-bloody-tastic. Over the top 80s "rock" (think "The Darkness" and "Europe") with silver spandex trousers and top hats! Could this be any better? Well, they throw in some black lipstick as well. I rest my case.
Yes, well. Singing along to this may have already cost me my voice, but that won’t stop me. Do you think Norway would be a nice country to visit next year? Or should we look for somewhere else?
14. Romania: Luminita and Sistem - Let me try
Romania didn't send us a blonde bimbo this year but a sexy, sultry brunette with a load of men. It's erm... well. I don't know what it is. It's a ballad, then it's a cheap dance song and in between all this there's a panflute doing god knows what. (A panflute, yes) This is one of the "bad" songs that make Eurovision so very Eurovision. It should be good for much singing along and panflute-miming in my household, but that's about it.
Apparently Luminita brought a load of guys with drums with her (who hasn’t this year), but no panflute in sight. Bugger me.
15. Hungary: Nox - Forogj Világ
"Spin, world!- sweep me into the light,
Or I shall not live tomorrow!
Your wild night kills me -,
although it waits for me with a kiss..."
is what we'll be hearing (only in Hungarian, one would presume). A very Riverdance song (with a Riverdance-routine I heard) which should do well with the folkies. Since I'm a bit of a folkie, you won't hear me saying a bad word about it. Unless they decide to guest-star that idiot Michael Flatley, then all bets are (quite understandably) off. Hajnananana indeed!
No Michael Flatley and no instruments. Just a sexy singer (with very hot glasses, I do hope she’ll be wearing those on stage) and a load of dancers singing along, in the true spirit of Eurovision. This should do well.
16. Finland: Geir Rønning - Why
Wahey! Jari Silanpää will be giving the results of the Finnish votes this year. Let's hope he's wearing his cockring again this year. But Mr Rönning will probably do a tad better than good old Jari. It's another ballad (we haven't had one of those in a while, have we), but I, for one, like it. The Girlfriend is not convinced, asking "what the hell is that" from behind her laptop. It's Finland sweetie, Finland. It will need some mood-lighting to set the right atmosphere but it can't do any worse than say...the million other ballads this year.
Aargh. What the hell is that, indeed. No, I’m cured of my love for “why”, right now I’m once again in the “I don’t give a shit why, just move over to the next country”-phase.
17. F.Y.R. Macedonia: Martin Vucic - Make my day
First of all, why does Macedonia still call itself the "Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia". It seems like showing off to me. Unless they just do it to have people stumble over their words when having to say the name. Martin is the grandson of a famous bagpipe player. Well woohoo. Perhaps it should be the "Former Scottish Republic" then? Apart from the cute boy (on photo at least) there's not much to this song. And talk about lying when he says "I’m not the man to be/Your cuddly toy/I’m the boy/Who will break up with you/To be free". Lookatthecuty! Didn't your mummy ever tell you not to lie. Naughty boy!
Another one of the flip-songs. “Flip” because I’m not sure whether I like it or not. I like it more than I did when I re-read what I wrote about it, but then again I have to stick to “there’s not much to this song” as well.
18. Andorra: Marian - La Mirada Interior
It's big-boobed blondes time again in Andorra. And I'm sorry straight gents (who am I kidding?), no photo of her. You'll have to visit the official site for that. Marian (Van der Wal) is (visibly) Dutch (Glennis the second), but apparently sings in Spanish without a Dutch accent. Let's hope so. I like this song. It's ethnic-y, Spanish-y, threatening-y and a lot of other things. I hope they made the music a bit stronger than it is on the version I have, that would make the song even better.
And they made the music so “strong” on the CD the first notes make you think “Wild Dances” is taking part again. Piglet frantically reaches for the CD player, thinking she’s put the 2004 CD in, but no, it’s just Andorra. Yep, I still like it.
19. Switzerland: Vanilla Ninja - Cool vibes
Le Feux de Perrie can write books on "Vanilla Ninja" having been a massive fan of their Kungfu Club a while back (one year? two years?), which stranded in some national final. All four of them Estonian, they're one of those groups who enter every national final in Europe and don't really care which country they represent (an idea for Alcazar me thinks), as long as they can take part in Eurovision. Bless them. Sounds like a career choice for me as well, doesn't it. Their English is fabulous, you think they're singing about the first Gulf War ("Kuwait, why don't you kill me") then it turns out they're actually saying "cool vibes, why don't you kill me". Ah well. You can't have it all. Trashy, dressed in leather and simple, I'm obviously a fan.
I’m still a fan, but after hearing they’re taking guitars on stage with them I fear I might have to reconsider. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt though and not judge until I’ve seen the “act” for myself. Guitars mean no stripping, right? Pff…
20. Croatia: Boris feat. Lado members -Wolves die alone Vukovi umiro Sami
Aaaaaaack! My favourite country of past years sends an ugly man to Eurovision! What will they do about their traditional striptease now. Please, please don't do it!
Apparently Boris is one of the best Croatian pop composers. Whatever that may mean, composers should write songs and then have people with some charisma sing them. Can we agree to that? The choir (Lado?) tries to save this song, but to no avail.
Piglet is severely, severely disappointed in her sweet Croatia
Oh, do shut up Piglet-from-a-few-weeks-ago! Yes, even I make mistakes. The CD houses the Croatian title for this song and “vukovi umiro sami” not only sounds much better than “wolves die alone”, but it more than makes up for anything I wrote a few weeks ago. The hysterical women (who are much louder on the CD) behind Boris add some nice Greek drama and I find myself imagining I’m one of them. Now, where did I put my traditional Croatian outfit?
21. Bulgaria: Kaffe - Lorraine
Allow me to quote from this masterpiece:
“You’ve got to know that harder the rain, sweeter the pain
I can still remember, Lorraine, in the rain.
Calling you, again and again, I’ll wait for your name,
I can still remember Lorraine in the rain”
Need I say anything more?! Bulgaria sends Westlife, only with better lyrics! I think this should become a new Eurovision tradition. Like the fire/desire rhyme, the "completely rhyming refrains" (get it? get it?!) should become reason for a drinking game.
But I hope, sincerily, from the bottom of my heart, that this is the only thing that will ever remain from this poor excuse of a song.
Impossibly, this song is getting worse every single time I hear it. Oh the pain.
22. Ireland: Donna and Joe - Love?
According to the Girlfriend this sounds just like that crap song with the ugly bloke, the thin girl and the flowers from last year (some self-promotion always does well). No, not Malta, the horrid Linas and Simone with "what happened to our love". And just typing the title made sure I've got it on repeat in my head already. Urgh. I've heard they're "spicing" up the song, and if they do I think this might do well. The girlfriend is predicting a striptease during the instrumental. I think they should take it one step further and completely switch clothes. Drag on stage tends to do well.
My anonymous “I’ll have nothing to do with Eurovision for I loathe it” Irish source let me know that not only there’s NO clothes switch, there WILL be a bloody riverdance on stage. You know, that ‘s the kind of dance where they go “arms? We’ve got arms? Aaah, but who needs them!”, the ideal dance for victims of household-appliance-caused amputations. Perhaps Michael Flatley will make his guest appearance here after all… Word in “official” Eurovision circles has it that this song might actually be so bad that it’s good, which I fear could get them in the final. Urgh.
23. Slovenia: Omar Naber - Stop
.
And that picture should be enough to tell us that we'll be seeing Slovenia in the final.
It's classical ballad time. And if Omar (sweet, sweet Omar) sings this in Slovenian, I think I'll weep if this doesn't make it to the final. Yes. Yes. I like this. Oh go on! Laugh! You all did when I proclaimed my love for "Dajes mi kriiiiila" (Croatia, last year), but you're all singing along in the car when it comes on now! Aren't you! Aren't you!? (erm... well... maybe just Le Feux and The Girlfriend).
Where's the code to vote for Slovenia?!
Once again Piglet was the victim of the “I’ll change my song completely, but go on and review the previous version you silly Belgian bint”-disease. The first few times I heard the “rock” version on the CD I was saddened and disgusted. Now I’ve grown to like it. Oh, I’m a pushover, I’ll never deny that. And the boy is still cute, so that makes up for any possible wrongdoings he might have done towards me. It’s ok Omar, all is forgiven. Don’t forget to wax your chesthair though. Your survival might depend on it.
24. Denmark: Jacob Sveistrup - Talking to you
Hey! Hey! Bring back the Slovenian Sex god! I think Jacob might be in pain, he sure sounds that way. But who am I to judge. Having only heard this song in Danish, I can't say how catchy the English version will be. This song just doesn't set my loins on fire. I do apologise for the graphic description, but how else can I get my point across? It doesn't make me want to do anything other than stuff myself with crisps and go to the loo.
Nope, I still don’t get it. So much for my Honourary Danish Citizenship.
25. Poland: Ivan & Delfin - Czarna dziewczyna
"Ivan & Delfin met each other in the City Café club" the official site proclaims. It could be the story of how the Pet Shop Boys met, couldn't it. Only perhaps without the blatant homo-erotic undertones. Right. Where were we? Homo-eroticism, Eurovision, ah yes. Poland. Poland! Now I know what you're thinking when you see the photo, but don't. Don't. Give them a chance to find a stylist. Or two. Three perhaps. And then to strut their stuff on stage. Polish gypsy music in the Ukraine. It's enough to make an Oscar-winning film about. I love it.
If the stylists don't work out, perhaps just close your eyes while listening to this. Just don't bump into anything while dancing.
Unfortunately, there’s no stylist. They don’t have them in Poland apparently. But the song is still catchy and danceable, but that could just be the folkie in me talking again. It doesn’t matter. I’ll forgive them the mullets and the hat, for their gypsy song. It probably wouldn’t work in silver spandex glitter outfits anyway… pity.
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”Hi Piglet,
What's up? I've been avoiding your blog lately, due to my increasing
pathological disgust of all things Eurovision -- sorry about that :o)”
This is how the e-mail I got yesterday started, from a very lovely heterosexual man in Ireland, Eurovisioncountry of er… Europe. I was planning on replying “you silly bugger, my reviews were ages ago, it’s all safe now!” but then I realised it would be a lie. After all, only three days from now is the semi-final. Which means it’s high time for me to make my scoresheets (I cannot trust my guests to provide them), buy more booze and silent-when-chewed-foods, two videotapes, flags of random countries (preferably European) and of course to post my…. Eurovision Semi-final recap!!
“But Piglet, haven’t we heard this all before”. Yes, you have. Rather literally even. But since my last posts I’ve listened to the Official Eurovision CD
Eurovision 2005
1. Austria: Global Kryner - Asi.
(the Global-thingie being the name of the band) I doubt you've ever heard a mix of Spanish, English and alpine music. No. I'm sure you haven't. The Girlfriend pukes instantly upon hearing it, but I'm a huge fan. Though I could have done without the yodelling.
See, I knew I'd get your attention one way or the other.
I'm hoping for lederhosen. Enough said.
Since listening to this on the CD, Le Feux and I (both huge fans at first) have to admit we’ve gotten rather sick of it. Of course, you only hear it once on Eurovision, but our plethora (oh boy) of friends who’ve had the CD inflicted upon them during visits (Piglet-and-Merlina mansion is no longer a safe haven!) were all equally destructive about it. So I’m afraid this might be a no-no. Then again, there is the drindl and the lederhosen. So that makes up for a lot.
2. Lithuania: Laura and the Lovers - Little by Little
So much for getting your attention, because this song immediately ruins it.
Written by two Swedes, we can only fear for another Swedish plot (ahem), but I don't think we have much to fear. It's got the typical Eurovision lyrics (though I've not spotted a "fire-desire" combination yet) and pop-light melodies.
And why does the lovely girl look like a vampiric zebra here?
Unfortunately my brain seems to have deserted me during the countless listens to the CD and I’ve grown to like this song. My semi-final Eurovision guests will therefore probably have to endure my singing along to it and actually supporting it. I do apologise.
3. Portugal - Amar
And feel free to sink further and further into your coma. "Amar" is sung in Portuguese/English (how very 2003), at least it is in the version I have here, by what looks like a very attractive gay boy and a "Gemma from Uk-nihil-points"-lookalike. Recepe for disaster?
Thankfully I still hate this song. Come on Portual, I don’t care if you send Rita bloody Guerra again, even that would’ve been better (said the woman who became a fan of Deixha Thingie two years after its release)
4. Moldova: ZDOB [shi] ZDUB -Boonika bate doba
Band names like this make you feel sad they only mention the country doesn't it. It would have been fabulous if every point-giver would have to pronounce this band. The English version of this title is "grandmamma beats the drum-a". Yes, the "drum-a". How close is Moldova to Jamaica?? I foresee "rappers-fingers", pointing, an elephant on stage and scary hats.
From what I’ve heard so far, there’ll be no elephants, but there will be a grandmother in a rocking chair, beating the drum-a. Which I would feel is at least as good. Perhaps they should have a palmtree- backdrop as well….
5. Latvia: Walters & Kazha - The war is not over
As if the title of the song isn't enough, the gentlemen are wearing suits made of carpets. Yes, carpets. It could be curtains. I'm willing to discuss it. Watch if you don't believe me. Despite the annoying sweetness of it all, the lack of pronouns ("someone is winner" - no sweetie, "the winner") and the carpet-suits... I think I quite like this. In an adolescent "let's change the world but not listen to the lyrics too much"-way.
And this just goes to show how much influence I have in the world that is Eurovision. These gents have taken my advice: they’re no longer wearing carpets (at least not in the rehearsals) AND they’ve changed the lyrics. The CD has them singing “the winner” and “the loser”. Honestly lads, good work. The gents have also decided to do the “sign language” thing, because they were probably too lazy to figure out a decent choreography. Unfortunately, probably because I’m not deaf and don’t know sign language, this song has lost its appeal to me.
6. Monaco: Lise Darly - Tout de moi
Hang on, this is "prenez soin de notre planète" again! Or not. You know, I really can't tell. On second thought I think this song is even more boring, sung by a less-good looking girl. I'm not sure if she'll sing it in English (with a heavy French accent) or in French (as the version I'm listening to now). In any way, I guess it can compete with our very own Belgian song for "most boring moment of the contest". Which is nice as well.
I rest my case, your honour. At last a song I still feel the same about!
7. Israel: Shiri Maimon - Hasheket shenishar
Unfortunately no castrate this time (boy did I love that guy when he shouted "everybody" in a deep voice, scaring me to death) but a blond lady. And not a single mention of "ava"! Never has a contest been as good for anyone's Hebrew as Eurovision... But I digress. The Blond Lady and her powerballad. Well, I'm a sucker for Hebrew so it's no surprise that I rather enjoyed this. Man, that language is sexy.
On another note, when the official website writes "the microphone was her first toy" as a quote about her, I can't help but think perverse thoughts. Is that just me or are you with me on that one?
Shiri has read the “Eurovision Handbook” and has since decided to sing the last verse in English “because it’s important that all of Europe understands what she’s singing”. How very 2003 of her.
8. Belarus: Angelica Agurbash - Love me tonight
Ah, a member of the "axis of evil" if you listen to Condoleezza (yes, she and I are on a first-name basis). Turns out the poor reactions to Boys and Girls ( but who can tell in Belarenglish) made the Belaruski choose a pretty average disco song for the same singer. Erm... well. Yes. Deen without the prominent beat, the toplessness (one hopes) and flaming queen. Tsk. Where's the point then?
Le Feux stands by his “bad Eurovision choice” theory, but I ‘ve started to love this. Well, it is a rather average disco song, after all, it’s right up my alley. Ideal for car rides on the motorway, singing fabulously flat, preferably in two voices (“ooh ooh oooh” vs “love me tonight”). Yeah baby! Give it to me!
9. The Netherlands: Glennis Grace - My impossible
It's powerballad two, the fourth ballad for the semi-finals and... it has its effect. During the National Finals I quite liked this song (though obviously Chastity was my favourite. Obviously) but after listening to it in the semi-finals order... well, it seems to have lost everything. It's just dull. Perhaps it's because I miss the wild hair, the golden dress or Miss Glennis herself, I don't know. Do pay attention to her "gangsta" English when she goes "De-ream" and "the-rown" instead of "dream" and "thrown". Got to love it.
Upon
10. Iceland: Selma - If I had your love
And finally we're rid of the ballads (for now anyway)! Selma is back (Selma from 1999's second place, you cretins (yes, I had to look it up, my Eurovision obsession was only just starting then)) and she's brilliant. Or she will be if the act is good. Sure, the song's simple, repetitive, but this is Eurovision, people. This could go all "Xandee" or all "Diva", I honestly don't know. Oooh, the excitement of it all!
Oh Selma, the crappy sound system (if one can call it a “sound system”) in my car can hardly handle this song, that’s how much I love it.
11. Belgium : Nuno Resende - Le grand soir
Welcome back to tonight's most annoying ballad/wannabe-powerballad show. I'm Belgian, I'm allowed to be cruel about this. There are just no words. I've heard he's planning on wearing a suede carpet-patterned suit (this is becoming a theme), he's microscopically clipping his beard and he's going to have a sex change live on stage. Ok, I made those last two things up (well... the beard... it could be). I have to invent stuff to make up for how boring this entry is. It's shameful. But! But! Since I liked last year's Xandee... rather loved it in fact... and horrible "things" like "Du Bist" (Austria) got higher than her, evil manufactured creatures like Sakis Rouvas even became third... well, in that view you could say that this song stands a great chance. The songs I like hardly ever do well, so that might be good news.
No?
Ah hell, he's Portuguese and singing in French, that should give us some votes (two).
The Latvians may have listened to me, Nuno hasn’t. There’s no act, a carpet suit, the beard and he’s gone and got himself a throat infection. That’s not the way to go sweetie. Ah well. I’m sure Le Feux’ and my version of this song will find its way on the net sometime and make the song into a cult hit. Ahem.
12. Estonia: Suntribe - Let's get loud
And this song should shake you awake again! It's the Estonian Spice Girls, singing Estonenglish and I love them. It's a catchy song (took two hours to write), they look about 16 and I foresee a funny dance routine (unless they fuck up by bringing instruments on stage. Yuck. Imagine that). The Girlfriend's not a fan, but she'll just have to learn to love it. I'll be playing it often enough.
There’s two songs that have girls (the singers) going “whooo” this year and this is one of them. It also still has me going “whoo”, but pretty much no-one else. Ah well. We can’t have it all.
13. Norway: Wig Wam - In my dreams
COME ON COME ON COME ON! LOVE IS ALL OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVER ME (over me)! It's on to this year's winner (unless I just doomed them) because this song is fan-bloody-tastic. Over the top 80s "rock" (think "The Darkness" and "Europe") with silver spandex trousers and top hats! Could this be any better? Well, they throw in some black lipstick as well. I rest my case.Yes, well. Singing along to this may have already cost me my voice, but that won’t stop me. Do you think Norway would be a nice country to visit next year? Or should we look for somewhere else?
14. Romania: Luminita and Sistem - Let me try
Romania didn't send us a blonde bimbo this year but a sexy, sultry brunette with a load of men. It's erm... well. I don't know what it is. It's a ballad, then it's a cheap dance song and in between all this there's a panflute doing god knows what. (A panflute, yes) This is one of the "bad" songs that make Eurovision so very Eurovision. It should be good for much singing along and panflute-miming in my household, but that's about it.
Apparently Luminita brought a load of guys with drums with her (who hasn’t this year), but no panflute in sight. Bugger me.
15. Hungary: Nox - Forogj Világ
"Spin, world!- sweep me into the light,
Or I shall not live tomorrow!
Your wild night kills me -,
although it waits for me with a kiss..."
is what we'll be hearing (only in Hungarian, one would presume). A very Riverdance song (with a Riverdance-routine I heard) which should do well with the folkies. Since I'm a bit of a folkie, you won't hear me saying a bad word about it. Unless they decide to guest-star that idiot Michael Flatley, then all bets are (quite understandably) off. Hajnananana indeed!
No Michael Flatley and no instruments. Just a sexy singer (with very hot glasses, I do hope she’ll be wearing those on stage) and a load of dancers singing along, in the true spirit of Eurovision. This should do well.
16. Finland: Geir Rønning - Why
Wahey! Jari Silanpää will be giving the results of the Finnish votes this year. Let's hope he's wearing his cockring again this year. But Mr Rönning will probably do a tad better than good old Jari. It's another ballad (we haven't had one of those in a while, have we), but I, for one, like it. The Girlfriend is not convinced, asking "what the hell is that" from behind her laptop. It's Finland sweetie, Finland. It will need some mood-lighting to set the right atmosphere but it can't do any worse than say...the million other ballads this year.
Aargh. What the hell is that, indeed. No, I’m cured of my love for “why”, right now I’m once again in the “I don’t give a shit why, just move over to the next country”-phase.
17. F.Y.R. Macedonia: Martin Vucic - Make my day
First of all, why does Macedonia still call itself the "Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia". It seems like showing off to me. Unless they just do it to have people stumble over their words when having to say the name. Martin is the grandson of a famous bagpipe player. Well woohoo. Perhaps it should be the "Former Scottish Republic" then? Apart from the cute boy (on photo at least) there's not much to this song. And talk about lying when he says "I’m not the man to be/Your cuddly toy/I’m the boy/Who will break up with you/To be free". Lookatthecuty! Didn't your mummy ever tell you not to lie. Naughty boy!
Another one of the flip-songs. “Flip” because I’m not sure whether I like it or not. I like it more than I did when I re-read what I wrote about it, but then again I have to stick to “there’s not much to this song” as well.
18. Andorra: Marian - La Mirada Interior
It's big-boobed blondes time again in Andorra. And I'm sorry straight gents (who am I kidding?), no photo of her. You'll have to visit the official site for that. Marian (Van der Wal) is (visibly) Dutch (Glennis the second), but apparently sings in Spanish without a Dutch accent. Let's hope so. I like this song. It's ethnic-y, Spanish-y, threatening-y and a lot of other things. I hope they made the music a bit stronger than it is on the version I have, that would make the song even better.
And they made the music so “strong” on the CD the first notes make you think “Wild Dances” is taking part again. Piglet frantically reaches for the CD player, thinking she’s put the 2004 CD in, but no, it’s just Andorra. Yep, I still like it.
19. Switzerland: Vanilla Ninja - Cool vibes
Le Feux de Perrie can write books on "Vanilla Ninja" having been a massive fan of their Kungfu Club a while back (one year? two years?), which stranded in some national final. All four of them Estonian, they're one of those groups who enter every national final in Europe and don't really care which country they represent (an idea for Alcazar me thinks), as long as they can take part in Eurovision. Bless them. Sounds like a career choice for me as well, doesn't it. Their English is fabulous, you think they're singing about the first Gulf War ("Kuwait, why don't you kill me") then it turns out they're actually saying "cool vibes, why don't you kill me". Ah well. You can't have it all. Trashy, dressed in leather and simple, I'm obviously a fan. I’m still a fan, but after hearing they’re taking guitars on stage with them I fear I might have to reconsider. I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt though and not judge until I’ve seen the “act” for myself. Guitars mean no stripping, right? Pff…
20. Croatia: Boris feat. Lado members -
Aaaaaaack! My favourite country of past years sends an ugly man to Eurovision! What will they do about their traditional striptease now. Please, please don't do it!
Apparently Boris is one of the best Croatian pop composers. Whatever that may mean, composers should write songs and then have people with some charisma sing them. Can we agree to that? The choir (Lado?) tries to save this song, but to no avail.
Piglet is severely, severely disappointed in her sweet Croatia
Oh, do shut up Piglet-from-a-few-weeks-ago! Yes, even I make mistakes. The CD houses the Croatian title for this song and “vukovi umiro sami” not only sounds much better than “wolves die alone”, but it more than makes up for anything I wrote a few weeks ago. The hysterical women (who are much louder on the CD) behind Boris add some nice Greek drama and I find myself imagining I’m one of them. Now, where did I put my traditional Croatian outfit?
21. Bulgaria: Kaffe - Lorraine
Allow me to quote from this masterpiece:
“You’ve got to know that harder the rain, sweeter the pain
I can still remember, Lorraine, in the rain.
Calling you, again and again, I’ll wait for your name,
I can still remember Lorraine in the rain”
Need I say anything more?! Bulgaria sends Westlife, only with better lyrics! I think this should become a new Eurovision tradition. Like the fire/desire rhyme, the "completely rhyming refrains" (get it? get it?!) should become reason for a drinking game.
But I hope, sincerily, from the bottom of my heart, that this is the only thing that will ever remain from this poor excuse of a song.
Impossibly, this song is getting worse every single time I hear it. Oh the pain.
22. Ireland: Donna and Joe - Love?
According to the Girlfriend this sounds just like that crap song with the ugly bloke, the thin girl and the flowers from last year (some self-promotion always does well). No, not Malta, the horrid Linas and Simone with "what happened to our love". And just typing the title made sure I've got it on repeat in my head already. Urgh. I've heard they're "spicing" up the song, and if they do I think this might do well. The girlfriend is predicting a striptease during the instrumental. I think they should take it one step further and completely switch clothes. Drag on stage tends to do well.My anonymous “I’ll have nothing to do with Eurovision for I loathe it” Irish source let me know that not only there’s NO clothes switch, there WILL be a bloody riverdance on stage. You know, that ‘s the kind of dance where they go “arms? We’ve got arms? Aaah, but who needs them!”, the ideal dance for victims of household-appliance-caused amputations. Perhaps Michael Flatley will make his guest appearance here after all… Word in “official” Eurovision circles has it that this song might actually be so bad that it’s good, which I fear could get them in the final. Urgh.
23. Slovenia: Omar Naber - Stop
.And that picture should be enough to tell us that we'll be seeing Slovenia in the final.
It's classical ballad time. And if Omar (sweet, sweet Omar) sings this in Slovenian, I think I'll weep if this doesn't make it to the final. Yes. Yes. I like this. Oh go on! Laugh! You all did when I proclaimed my love for "Dajes mi kriiiiila" (Croatia, last year), but you're all singing along in the car when it comes on now! Aren't you! Aren't you!? (erm... well... maybe just Le Feux and The Girlfriend).
Where's the code to vote for Slovenia?!
Once again Piglet was the victim of the “I’ll change my song completely, but go on and review the previous version you silly Belgian bint”-disease. The first few times I heard the “rock” version on the CD I was saddened and disgusted. Now I’ve grown to like it. Oh, I’m a pushover, I’ll never deny that. And the boy is still cute, so that makes up for any possible wrongdoings he might have done towards me. It’s ok Omar, all is forgiven. Don’t forget to wax your chesthair though. Your survival might depend on it.
24. Denmark: Jacob Sveistrup - Talking to you
Hey! Hey! Bring back the Slovenian Sex god! I think Jacob might be in pain, he sure sounds that way. But who am I to judge. Having only heard this song in Danish, I can't say how catchy the English version will be. This song just doesn't set my loins on fire. I do apologise for the graphic description, but how else can I get my point across? It doesn't make me want to do anything other than stuff myself with crisps and go to the loo.
Nope, I still don’t get it. So much for my Honourary Danish Citizenship.
25. Poland: Ivan & Delfin - Czarna dziewczyna
"Ivan & Delfin met each other in the City Café club" the official site proclaims. It could be the story of how the Pet Shop Boys met, couldn't it. Only perhaps without the blatant homo-erotic undertones. Right. Where were we? Homo-eroticism, Eurovision, ah yes. Poland. Poland! Now I know what you're thinking when you see the photo, but don't. Don't. Give them a chance to find a stylist. Or two. Three perhaps. And then to strut their stuff on stage. Polish gypsy music in the Ukraine. It's enough to make an Oscar-winning film about. I love it. If the stylists don't work out, perhaps just close your eyes while listening to this. Just don't bump into anything while dancing.
Unfortunately, there’s no stylist. They don’t have them in Poland apparently. But the song is still catchy and danceable, but that could just be the folkie in me talking again. It doesn’t matter. I’ll forgive them the mullets and the hat, for their gypsy song. It probably wouldn’t work in silver spandex glitter outfits anyway… pity.
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