Eurovision semi final
Ingredients:
Poofs of different shapes, sizes and flavours, a girlfriend, 3 cats (scared of all the noise -the people, not the music-), a TV set, food, drink (some people needed to get pissed to numb the feeling of watching Eurovision... tsk, amateurs), an evening gown (well, it was Le Grand Soir after all), flags of diverse countries, a huge Belgian flag, a photo of Nuno Resende - in front of a candle, for praying-, a VCR set to record, the lyrics to "le grand soir" (for brainwashing purposes) and score sheets.
(photos of all this can be found on my brand-new flickr account -if it feels like working"
Results: A shocking result! That's what! If Portugal got through, I couldn't have been more surprised. And was it just my TV set (perhaps some tortured soul turning the volume down when I didn't see) or Ukranian technology, but did other people also have the sound go very very low during some parts of the show?
Last year I felt there were too many good songs in the semi and the final itself was a bit of let-down compared to that. This year most people in my living room had trouble finding 10 entries they liked enough to give points to. I, of course, had 11...
But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's rewind to...
Austria
Honestly sweeties, what were you thinking, entering Eurovision dressed as if you're going to the gym. Tracksuits are all good and well, but they don't match on a sparkly stage, especially not if there's to be tango-yodelling. The singer was sexier than I'd thought she'd be (I'd imagined her to look like Blue Café's singer, last year), but there were no lederhosen. What a missed opportunity!
Lithuania
Oh, it's recycling in action! Didn't we also see this dress on Lena, Sweden's entry last year? If she was wearing any less we'd have... well... she'd probably have been arrested. By the army in one of the "postcards" of the evening. Because what was with those postcards anyway? Usually countries show off their touristic places, Ukraine being ... well, the Ukraine, went and showed a dog, old people and their army. Nice. But this was meant to have been about Lithuania? The fact that I've been babbling about anything but the song probably shows that it just didn't stand out enough. Though it's by no means bad. Oh, but the Axl Rose "cousin It"-lookalike guitarist? No thanks.
Portugal
And never have I been so glad to see a country as Portugal get on stage. It was my personal guarantee that this year at least, we wouldn't be last. This was worse than Jemini! (I'm sure they exclaimed that themselves, from their sofas in the UK) And the clothes! Oh the skirts and the ... oh my. Fabulous! It was worse than anyone could've imagined, which made it fan-tas-tic. One for the books I think (rather like Piero last year (Switzerland) hitting himself in the face with his microphone. "Celebrate let's -thump- celebrate!")
Moldova
We knew this would score. Especially when he said, in faultless Moldovenglish "ladies and gentlemens...". And friends enlightened me that Moldova used to be part of the USSR. That's right, I forgot. Grandma was fabulous. What a woman! What a smile! I declare her my pin-up for 2005! It saved a rather average, yet funny, song and turned it into Alf Poier -2005.
Latvia
I suppose *subtle* homo-eroticism will do well in Eurovision. There's just no other way of explaining this song's success. They stood suspiciously close together at one point and sang lovingly at each other (and no, I was not the only one who noticed that), the poofs were drooling over the guy on the right and I guess a lot of deaf people must have been watching the contest. The sign language thing seemed to work. Now if only Nuno had tried that...
Monaco
Oh Monaco, I take back every single thing I said about you before the show. I'm so sorry. I cannot believe it, perhaps I'm pregnant or something, but I was actually moved by this. I gave it points! (ok, one, but that's mainly because everyone was making fun of me) You've won me over.
Israel
Call me shallow, but... DAMN GIRL! How did she get her boobs in that dress?? How did she get those boobs, period!? Not too convinced about the colour of the dress, but ... well, there were boobs. And a very low-cut back. And is all this allowed in Israel? (Dana International... alright, I'll shut up) And she's blonde... how can she be blonde? Ah, but anyway. As I'm a sucker for Hebrew and nice Israeli ladies in erm... tight fitting dresses... I'm glad this one got through.
Belarus
Oh my, apparently there can be too much of a good thing after all. Is it the bombastic Army of Lovers dress? The horrid "naked"-suit she had on underneath? Her face? The fact that the she couldn't sing? I don't know, but it didn't come across to me, a camp-addict, like it should have.
The Netherlands
I was rather surprised to see Glennis not get through. I wasn't over the moon with the song, but I thought "the public" would be. Moreover, she sang well enough. Not as good as in the national final, but no-one knows that. Is it the slow-motion "dancing" moves she did as she sang "I'm breaking free"? The girlfriend thought she was trying to convey a message about giving birth with all the arm movements... I don't know what did it, but worse songs than this did get through to the final.
Iceland
Selma! Selma! What the hell were you wearing? Were those your pyjamas? What's with the gold? And where had the basses gone? The music was so low compared to the singing I could hardly hear it. This song and the dance routine just didn't come across on stage, which is a huge pity, it's still one of my favourite songs on the CD.
At this point, the Belgian flag I was waving broke. I think it was a sign.
Belgium
But onto my second flag!
Nuno (for I am on first-name basis with him of course) sang well (at least that's something) but the song was about as interesting as watching grass grow. One of the poofs remarked his eyebrows looked painfully plucked. There was no sparkly outfit (though we did spot heels), no interesting stage stuff going on (though I did feel he managed to "fill" the stage on his own... and not in the way Malta will in the final... ) and as far as ballads go, this wasn't the best one of the night. But still, it could have been a lot worse (thank god for Portugal!).
Estonia
"Outfits made by an esteemed Estonian fashion designer" our Guru commentator Anja Daems said. Now she's not known for her terrific ironic wit, so I'm going to have to presume she meant the Disney t-shirts you can buy in every C&A... What's the point of manufacturing a girl-band (with an early 80s madonna, a Christina Aguilera and three brunettes), when one of them can't sing to save her life and two of them don't do anything? They do get bonuspoints for the pretend-scratching though.
Norway
While this was good enough, it was a bit of a let-down for me. It lacked power. And facial expressions! Had the whole band gone for botox-therapy that morning or was it something they smoked? Their faces just seemed blank and that really bothered me. I hope it's better in the final, I really do. I do wonder what their rather bad position (right after another good up-tempo song) in the final will mean for the result.
Romania
Drums seem to be a recurring theme in this year's Eurovision. Oil barrels, real drums, anything to drum with or on. And again there were boobies. But this was a solid performance of a good song. Though perhaps we should disqualify them for use of "fireworky things" on stage? Go on, just for the hell of it. Let's see who's the poor bugger that came eleventh?
Hungary
Powerful dancing, made me think of Ruslana last year. Michael Flatley joined in, but since he'd gone bald I didn't find him nearly as annoying. The singing was a "bit" off (or a lot off in some places) but the song and especially the act are good, so that makes up for a lot.
Finland
As I'm preparing this review at work (hey, I'm allowed my lunchbreaks!) I discovered that there were only 24 countries and 24 songs I could remember (after much thinking...). I knew there was one missing, but which one. In my head I went through all the European countries I could remember, but none came up. I figured it must be one of the newer countries then, one I didn't learn about in school as being part of Europe. A phonecall the the Girlfriend, asking her to name all the countries that took part, reminded me... Finland was the missing country. And what was the song again... from the girlfriend's description ("boring, white suit, the hand...") I remember... "why". Well. I guess my forgetting about it says enough, doesn't it.
Macedonia
Huh? I mean. Huh? Why? Yes, he was cute. I already said that in my preview. The song, while not bad, was pretty average. The dancers were women. Slutty women. Very slutty. He couldn't dance (which was rather funny), neither could his male backing vocalists. Ok, there was a split, but it wasn't he who did it. I repeat... huh? Why him and not Omar? It's not fair I tells ya!
Andorra
Well, what a waste of a perfectly good song! You have these people where you only have to look at their face and you can tell what country they're from. Marian was one of those people. I saw her and screamed "Dutch". Awful dresses, though the gentlemen-dancers seemed to have a big fancrowd in my living room yesterday. Poofs with their mouths open, demanding a close-up of bare naked man-chest... which they never got. Add to that the fact that Marian sang about as bad as possible (and yet sounded so good on the CD... what a miracle of modern technology), and you just don't have a qualifier.
Switzerland
"why don't you kill me". Oh boy. Can these girls actually play guitar? I mean, I know they were miming, this is Eurovision after all, but can they play in real life? And what was with the "backing singers singing in the micropone of the lead"-thing. Nope. I didn't do a thing for me. Despite the high TATU-fake lesbian level.
Croatia
"Where are the sheep?" (to quote poof-to-my right), "he looks like Julio Iglesias" (poof further to the right), well, at least the country I have the hots for every year made it! But without the backing singers taking clothes off! When I heard this on CD, I thought Lado would be old, overweight ladies, hysterically waving their arms. Turns out they were young girls with bad Spanish dress-sense... They may have been likened to sheep in the first notes, but overall they did well. I liked this.
Bulgaria
Great. A whole contingent of contented poofs in my living room, singing along to "Lorraine in the fucking rain". "Isn't he cute", "he's hot". What the hell?! His ears stuck out a mile! That shirt! The song was dreadful! But oh no, some even insisted on giving this a 12. How superficial! (said the woman who couldn't stop gushing about Israel's boobs...) I feared for my sanity, but I'm so grateful this didn't get through.
Ireland
As avid readers (that means the girlfriend I guess...) might know, I was not a fan of Ireland. But well... look at the cutesy wutesy ickle boy!! Would you look at him! So cute! And the ginger hair! And the freckles! Made you want to pinch his cheeks and bend him over your knee for a good spanking! Cute! Cute! And Donna could actually sing live, what a voice. And the riverdancing was rather funny... as was Joe's dancing... which made him even more endearing (made him seem more of a 12-year-old). Though I didn't want to admit it, they won me over. I really really thought this would qualify.
Slovenia
Omar! What have you done to your hair! And why cover up your chest, I thought we came to an agreement about that?! No? Well, that just means you won't qualify. I still thought this was a good song, rather powerful. Though when the backing-mermaid came onstage (where the hell did she come from?), with her red-lipsticked-mouth open in an O, she really reminded me of a blow-up sex doll. Perhaps not what they were going for?
I voted for you Omar. In vain. But I still did.
Denmark
Right, while I'll admit that the backing singers' interaction with the lead was rather enjoyable, I really don't understand why this song got to the final. Did no one else hear what I heard? He sounded like Chip N Dale! (poof to the right) Was no one bored to bits? Honestly!
Poland
While this song didn't come across as powerful as I'd have liked or thought it would (though I'm happy they directed mullet-curly-man to the background "why don't you stand overthere with your hat and guitar, that'll look much better...a bit further down... further... excellent"), but I still thought it was more than good enough for a place in the final. Hell, this was my 12! I voted for this (as well, yes)! What's wrong with you people?? Was it the straight-acting? The ... you know, it'll be a mystery to me forever.
And ever.
And ever.
But Saturday's the big day.
And I have no fucking clue who will win. No idea.
|
Ingredients:
Poofs of different shapes, sizes and flavours, a girlfriend, 3 cats (scared of all the noise -the people, not the music-), a TV set, food, drink (some people needed to get pissed to numb the feeling of watching Eurovision... tsk, amateurs), an evening gown (well, it was Le Grand Soir after all), flags of diverse countries, a huge Belgian flag, a photo of Nuno Resende - in front of a candle, for praying-, a VCR set to record, the lyrics to "le grand soir" (for brainwashing purposes) and score sheets.
(photos of all this can be found on my brand-new flickr account -if it feels like working"
Results: A shocking result! That's what! If Portugal got through, I couldn't have been more surprised. And was it just my TV set (perhaps some tortured soul turning the volume down when I didn't see) or Ukranian technology, but did other people also have the sound go very very low during some parts of the show?
Last year I felt there were too many good songs in the semi and the final itself was a bit of let-down compared to that. This year most people in my living room had trouble finding 10 entries they liked enough to give points to. I, of course, had 11...
But I'm getting ahead of myself, let's rewind to...
Austria
Honestly sweeties, what were you thinking, entering Eurovision dressed as if you're going to the gym. Tracksuits are all good and well, but they don't match on a sparkly stage, especially not if there's to be tango-yodelling. The singer was sexier than I'd thought she'd be (I'd imagined her to look like Blue Café's singer, last year), but there were no lederhosen. What a missed opportunity!
Lithuania
Oh, it's recycling in action! Didn't we also see this dress on Lena, Sweden's entry last year? If she was wearing any less we'd have... well... she'd probably have been arrested. By the army in one of the "postcards" of the evening. Because what was with those postcards anyway? Usually countries show off their touristic places, Ukraine being ... well, the Ukraine, went and showed a dog, old people and their army. Nice. But this was meant to have been about Lithuania? The fact that I've been babbling about anything but the song probably shows that it just didn't stand out enough. Though it's by no means bad. Oh, but the Axl Rose "cousin It"-lookalike guitarist? No thanks.
Portugal
And never have I been so glad to see a country as Portugal get on stage. It was my personal guarantee that this year at least, we wouldn't be last. This was worse than Jemini! (I'm sure they exclaimed that themselves, from their sofas in the UK) And the clothes! Oh the skirts and the ... oh my. Fabulous! It was worse than anyone could've imagined, which made it fan-tas-tic. One for the books I think (rather like Piero last year (Switzerland) hitting himself in the face with his microphone. "Celebrate let's -thump- celebrate!")
Moldova
We knew this would score. Especially when he said, in faultless Moldovenglish "ladies and gentlemens...". And friends enlightened me that Moldova used to be part of the USSR. That's right, I forgot. Grandma was fabulous. What a woman! What a smile! I declare her my pin-up for 2005! It saved a rather average, yet funny, song and turned it into Alf Poier -2005.
Latvia
I suppose *subtle* homo-eroticism will do well in Eurovision. There's just no other way of explaining this song's success. They stood suspiciously close together at one point and sang lovingly at each other (and no, I was not the only one who noticed that), the poofs were drooling over the guy on the right and I guess a lot of deaf people must have been watching the contest. The sign language thing seemed to work. Now if only Nuno had tried that...
Monaco
Oh Monaco, I take back every single thing I said about you before the show. I'm so sorry. I cannot believe it, perhaps I'm pregnant or something, but I was actually moved by this. I gave it points! (ok, one, but that's mainly because everyone was making fun of me) You've won me over.
Israel
Call me shallow, but... DAMN GIRL! How did she get her boobs in that dress?? How did she get those boobs, period!? Not too convinced about the colour of the dress, but ... well, there were boobs. And a very low-cut back. And is all this allowed in Israel? (Dana International... alright, I'll shut up) And she's blonde... how can she be blonde? Ah, but anyway. As I'm a sucker for Hebrew and nice Israeli ladies in erm... tight fitting dresses... I'm glad this one got through.
Belarus
Oh my, apparently there can be too much of a good thing after all. Is it the bombastic Army of Lovers dress? The horrid "naked"-suit she had on underneath? Her face? The fact that the she couldn't sing? I don't know, but it didn't come across to me, a camp-addict, like it should have.
The Netherlands
I was rather surprised to see Glennis not get through. I wasn't over the moon with the song, but I thought "the public" would be. Moreover, she sang well enough. Not as good as in the national final, but no-one knows that. Is it the slow-motion "dancing" moves she did as she sang "I'm breaking free"? The girlfriend thought she was trying to convey a message about giving birth with all the arm movements... I don't know what did it, but worse songs than this did get through to the final.
Iceland
Selma! Selma! What the hell were you wearing? Were those your pyjamas? What's with the gold? And where had the basses gone? The music was so low compared to the singing I could hardly hear it. This song and the dance routine just didn't come across on stage, which is a huge pity, it's still one of my favourite songs on the CD.
At this point, the Belgian flag I was waving broke. I think it was a sign.
Belgium
But onto my second flag!
Nuno (for I am on first-name basis with him of course) sang well (at least that's something) but the song was about as interesting as watching grass grow. One of the poofs remarked his eyebrows looked painfully plucked. There was no sparkly outfit (though we did spot heels), no interesting stage stuff going on (though I did feel he managed to "fill" the stage on his own... and not in the way Malta will in the final... ) and as far as ballads go, this wasn't the best one of the night. But still, it could have been a lot worse (thank god for Portugal!).
Estonia
"Outfits made by an esteemed Estonian fashion designer" our Guru commentator Anja Daems said. Now she's not known for her terrific ironic wit, so I'm going to have to presume she meant the Disney t-shirts you can buy in every C&A... What's the point of manufacturing a girl-band (with an early 80s madonna, a Christina Aguilera and three brunettes), when one of them can't sing to save her life and two of them don't do anything? They do get bonuspoints for the pretend-scratching though.
Norway
While this was good enough, it was a bit of a let-down for me. It lacked power. And facial expressions! Had the whole band gone for botox-therapy that morning or was it something they smoked? Their faces just seemed blank and that really bothered me. I hope it's better in the final, I really do. I do wonder what their rather bad position (right after another good up-tempo song) in the final will mean for the result.
Romania
Drums seem to be a recurring theme in this year's Eurovision. Oil barrels, real drums, anything to drum with or on. And again there were boobies. But this was a solid performance of a good song. Though perhaps we should disqualify them for use of "fireworky things" on stage? Go on, just for the hell of it. Let's see who's the poor bugger that came eleventh?
Hungary
Powerful dancing, made me think of Ruslana last year. Michael Flatley joined in, but since he'd gone bald I didn't find him nearly as annoying. The singing was a "bit" off (or a lot off in some places) but the song and especially the act are good, so that makes up for a lot.
Finland
As I'm preparing this review at work (hey, I'm allowed my lunchbreaks!) I discovered that there were only 24 countries and 24 songs I could remember (after much thinking...). I knew there was one missing, but which one. In my head I went through all the European countries I could remember, but none came up. I figured it must be one of the newer countries then, one I didn't learn about in school as being part of Europe. A phonecall the the Girlfriend, asking her to name all the countries that took part, reminded me... Finland was the missing country. And what was the song again... from the girlfriend's description ("boring, white suit, the hand...") I remember... "why". Well. I guess my forgetting about it says enough, doesn't it.
Macedonia
Huh? I mean. Huh? Why? Yes, he was cute. I already said that in my preview. The song, while not bad, was pretty average. The dancers were women. Slutty women. Very slutty. He couldn't dance (which was rather funny), neither could his male backing vocalists. Ok, there was a split, but it wasn't he who did it. I repeat... huh? Why him and not Omar? It's not fair I tells ya!
Andorra
Well, what a waste of a perfectly good song! You have these people where you only have to look at their face and you can tell what country they're from. Marian was one of those people. I saw her and screamed "Dutch". Awful dresses, though the gentlemen-dancers seemed to have a big fancrowd in my living room yesterday. Poofs with their mouths open, demanding a close-up of bare naked man-chest... which they never got. Add to that the fact that Marian sang about as bad as possible (and yet sounded so good on the CD... what a miracle of modern technology), and you just don't have a qualifier.
Switzerland
"why don't you kill me". Oh boy. Can these girls actually play guitar? I mean, I know they were miming, this is Eurovision after all, but can they play in real life? And what was with the "backing singers singing in the micropone of the lead"-thing. Nope. I didn't do a thing for me. Despite the high TATU-fake lesbian level.
Croatia
"Where are the sheep?" (to quote poof-to-my right), "he looks like Julio Iglesias" (poof further to the right), well, at least the country I have the hots for every year made it! But without the backing singers taking clothes off! When I heard this on CD, I thought Lado would be old, overweight ladies, hysterically waving their arms. Turns out they were young girls with bad Spanish dress-sense... They may have been likened to sheep in the first notes, but overall they did well. I liked this.
Bulgaria
Great. A whole contingent of contented poofs in my living room, singing along to "Lorraine in the fucking rain". "Isn't he cute", "he's hot". What the hell?! His ears stuck out a mile! That shirt! The song was dreadful! But oh no, some even insisted on giving this a 12. How superficial! (said the woman who couldn't stop gushing about Israel's boobs...) I feared for my sanity, but I'm so grateful this didn't get through.
Ireland
As avid readers (that means the girlfriend I guess...) might know, I was not a fan of Ireland. But well... look at the cutesy wutesy ickle boy!! Would you look at him! So cute! And the ginger hair! And the freckles! Made you want to pinch his cheeks and bend him over your knee for a good spanking! Cute! Cute! And Donna could actually sing live, what a voice. And the riverdancing was rather funny... as was Joe's dancing... which made him even more endearing (made him seem more of a 12-year-old). Though I didn't want to admit it, they won me over. I really really thought this would qualify.
Slovenia
Omar! What have you done to your hair! And why cover up your chest, I thought we came to an agreement about that?! No? Well, that just means you won't qualify. I still thought this was a good song, rather powerful. Though when the backing-mermaid came onstage (where the hell did she come from?), with her red-lipsticked-mouth open in an O, she really reminded me of a blow-up sex doll. Perhaps not what they were going for?
I voted for you Omar. In vain. But I still did.
Denmark
Right, while I'll admit that the backing singers' interaction with the lead was rather enjoyable, I really don't understand why this song got to the final. Did no one else hear what I heard? He sounded like Chip N Dale! (poof to the right) Was no one bored to bits? Honestly!
Poland
While this song didn't come across as powerful as I'd have liked or thought it would (though I'm happy they directed mullet-curly-man to the background "why don't you stand overthere with your hat and guitar, that'll look much better...a bit further down... further... excellent"), but I still thought it was more than good enough for a place in the final. Hell, this was my 12! I voted for this (as well, yes)! What's wrong with you people?? Was it the straight-acting? The ... you know, it'll be a mystery to me forever.
And ever.
And ever.
But Saturday's the big day.
And I have no fucking clue who will win. No idea.
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