Eurovision 2006: the Final
At the time I’m writing this I don’t yet know who from the semis will be going through to the final, so there are some gaps here and there. I do hope you manage to overlook this. I could of course predict who will be going through and what their running order will be, but given my talents in that department, that's pretty much a recipe for disaster.
Switzerland: Six4One: if we all give a little
There really are no words to describe how incredibly bad this song is. My gag reflex goes in complete overdrive upon hearing the first notes of this piece of crap.
”Six singers from six different countries” (Malta, Bosnia, Sweden, Portugal, Isreal en Switzerland), “ the ideal recipe for getting votes from at least five countries” the casting agents must have thought. See, that’s a little too unsubtle for my liking. And even the fact that one of the singers used to be an Alcastar is no redeeming factor. That just shows how bad this song is. Fuck off, Ralph Siegel!
Clothes change?: The singers are too busy conveying their “message” of making this world “a home for everyone”
hoping for: Electrical power failure. Or one of them snapping and knocking the others out with his or her microphone, thus turning it into a solo act.
What would Anja Daems say?: “What a beautiful message of peace and harmony all across Europe. Shame about the outfits.”
Moldova : Arsenium ft this and that – Loca
But have I spoken too soon? Here’s another crap song. Apparently the boys from O-zone, “numa numa jè”, you know the song, have split up and one of them is trying his hand at singing with a lady. The lyrics of this one are hilarious, and not just because it’s Moldovenglish. “Hey, Loco, please, espera un poco. And I’ll give you my choco. Do you want it or not?” Que? Shouldn’t this be censored?
Clothes change?: They’ll be too busy throwing roses at each other.
Hoping for: sponsorship from Nutella. Ricky Martin objecting to the word “loca” being repeated so often and starting a lawsuit.
What would Anja say?: “Did you know this guy used to be in O-zone?”
Israel: Eddie Buttler – Together we are one
Israel quite often does this multilingual thing. Well, I shouldn’t point it all to Israel, it’s a very Eurovision disease. Sometimes, like last year, it’s great because you can finally sing along with words instead of just “sounds”, but this year... urgh. You’d think they’d have learned from last year’s success and just sent Shiri again (and again, and again, and again), but no. It’s a bloke this time. A bloke with a stupid song. Which makes it three bad songs in a row, and that’s really too much to stomache for a Eurovision final.
Clothes change?: No. I expect he’ll be wearing a boring white suit though.
Hoping for: Shiri!
What would Anja say?: “Oh, what a stylish suit! What language is this?”
Latvia: Vocal Group Cosmos – I hear your heart
”Hang on, since when are Voice Male Latvian? Oh Piglet, a cappella isn’t just a Belgian thing, tsk.” I know, but when I’m forced to make very very bad jokes about a song, it just goes to show how sad it all is. It’s bad song number four in a row, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, this song will definitely stand out (out of boredom, at the very least), and if it’s staged well... no, even if it’s staged well and they chuck in a ton of sign language this should still sink to the bottom of the heap. It’s just bad. And a bad song sung A Cappella, is still bad.
Clothes change?: Now that would be spectacular!
Hoping for: A brass band marching onstage because they think it’s time for the interval. Oops.
What would Anja say?: “Where are the instruments?”
Norway: Christine Guldbrandsen - Alvedansen
After Lordi’s trolls we’ve now got the elves, with Norway’s “elfdances”. And finally something remotely good in this final. Apparently “every summer night has secrets, and Christine will tell us hers”... ooh. Ok then. This song takes you to Norwegian summer nights (whatever those may entail) and you picture yourself dancing with elves around a campfire. Depending on whether or not you like that sort of thing, you’ll like or dislike this song. I’m personally so relieved to be rid of the four previous songs, that I’ll gladly kick of my shoes and dance barefoot around an oak tree.
Clothes change?: No. She probably won’t be wearing shoes though.
Hoping for: Another guest appearance by Lordi, this time to chase the elves around the campfire.
What would Anja say: “I preferred Lordi’s outfit”
Spain: Las Ketchup – Bloody Mary
Eak! It’s Las Ketchup! You know, the three lasses with their stupid dance routine and their Ketchup song (I must admit that Aserejé was the first song I ever downloaded on my pc..., but please don’t tell anyone!). Spain must have thought that since the Fake-Las Ketchup last year did such a great job (ahem, even though I quite liked them), they might as well send the real ones this year.... Strange reasoning perhaps, but anyway, Last Ketchup have multiplied because there are suddenly four of them (another sister apparently) screaming their way to a Bloody Mary. This song isn’t as annoying as the Ketchup Song was (and it has a better title) but I’m not convinced these girls can actually sing. And if they can’t, this is going to be disastrous.
Clothes change?: What clothes? I expect they’ll switch outfits in the bridge.
Hoping for: Handsome waiters serving the ladies Bloody Marys on stage.
What would Anja say?: “I really preferred the Ketchup Song”
Malta: Fabrizio Faniello – I do
Fabrizio here is quite the eye candy for you boy-lovers out there, and that’s the only thing the poor bloke has going for him (perhaps I should be careful because The Girlfriend’s taken a shine to the lad). For the sake of The Girlfriend I’ll say the song is poppy and catchy. For my own sake I’ll say that’s all it is. I’m expecting many a melting gaze into the camera and many a poof on my sofa to declare their everlasting love, but I hope us ladylovers can tip the scales.
Clothes change?: Only the background dancers, sorry ladies and gents.
Hoping for: Ok then, a shirtless performance.
What would Anja say?: Nothing. She’d be drooling.
Germany: Texas Lightning – No no never
There’s two country songs in this contest and of course they’re stuck right next to each other. Talk about bad luck! (well, it would have been worse had we sent Barbara Dex and she was in this row as well, but still) I have to admit I love this song, especially if the band will perform in the outrageous cowboy outfits they wore during the national final. Yii-haw!
Clothes change?: They might switch stetsons.
Hoping for: Golden cowboy hats. Line dancing. A cardboard stable and horse in the background.
What would Anja say?: “It sounds just like our Barbara Dex!”
Denmark: Sidsel Ben Semmane – Twist of love
Country Song number two. I must say I seriously dislike songs about “a guy named Johnny”. First of all, the name Johnny is... well, I don’t think I have to finish this sentence, do I? And second of all, I really don’t care about the fact that “once upon a time there was this guy named Johnny”. I’m sure there have been many Johnnies in the history of mankind and I feel no desire to hear their story. As I’m preparing myself to be hateful about this song The Girlfriend is shaking her butt and singing along. Hmz. I might be taking this Johnny Hatred of mine too far. The song’s not half bad. There. If you like Rock ‘n Roll at least.
Clothes change?: No. There should be some hyperactive dancers twisting on stage though.
Hoping for: Those hyperactive dancers. Hopefully in pink skirts.
What would Anja say?: “Oh, we really should have sent Barbara Dex to Athens”.
Semi finalist
Semi Finalist
Romania: Mihai Traistariu – Tornero
Romania’s usually a favourite in this household and this year’s no exception. I’m a bit over the song already but The Girlfriend is still a huge fan, shouting out “Tornero” at any given opportunity. Apparently Mr Traistariu’s voice can reach five octaves and one third, but I’d never really noticed. Ah well, it’s Eurotrash Kitsch, and I’m hoping for fist-in-the-air heterosexual-boy dancing, like the Macedonian bloke last year. Could a friendly Romanian perhaps explain the difference between “tornero” and “tornerai” to me? Thanks. And tornero! Tornero-o!
Clothes change?: His backing dancers might rip off his shirt.
Hoping for: Heterosexual fist-in-the-air dancing
What would Anja say?: “I love this dance routine. I don’t really understand why they rip off his shirt though”
Semi finalist
Semi Finalist
United Kingdom: Daz Sampson – Teenage life
Yay! Schoolgirls in uniforms on Eurovision! It’s every pervert’s wet dream, including mine. Shame you have to put up with the singer really. But no, I won’t be too vicious about this song, because it stands out. Brahim couldn’t have done a better job, I must admit. I don’t have a clue why a thirty-something man feels the need to rap about teenagers, but then I’m sure Daz doesn’t understand me either.
Clothes change?: That would be sick and perverted. So, yes please.
Hoping for: Sexy schoolgirls of a legal age. The camera forgetting to focus on Mr Sampson.
What would Anja say?: “Why are these girls dressed like schoolgirls?”
Greece: Anna Vissi – Everything
For some reason a lot of people on “the internets” love this song, actually thinking it could and should win, and I honestly, honestly don’t get it. To me this is just another boring ballad with nothing really going for it. Then again, The Girlfriend doesn’t mind it... oh dear. But still, winning twice in a row is so nineties and the Irish weren’t too glad about it... so really, there’s no need for it. Been there, done that, and look at what the Irish had to do to not-win the contest for a change! Really Greece, it’s not a road you want to travel, trust me.
Clothes change?: Standing behind a microphone stand gesturing madly more likely
Hoping for: Glennys Grace style arm movements.
What would Anja say?: “I don’t think any country has ever won the contest twice in a row, so this would be rather unique.”
Semi finalist
Semi Finalist
France: Virginie Pouchin – Il est temps
Now I liked Orval last year. I really did. Her outfit was hideous, but I liked the song and don’t really understand why it scored as bad as it did. Anyway the French preselection this year was a monstrous affair and after Virginie had won with a decent song, they decided the song wasn’t good after all and went about writing a completely new one. Ok then. Maybe I just have a thing for French ballads, I don’t know, because I quite like it. Not sure if it’s something that will stand out on Eurovision though, but still.
Clothes change?: Again no. Quite disappointing.
Hoping for: Someone pretending to play the cello.
What would Anja say?: “What language is this?”
Croatia: Severina – Moja Stikla
”JER JOŠ TRAVA NIJE NIKLA TAMO GDJE JE STALA MOJA ŠTIKLA” Woohooo! How can you sit still after a chant like this?! My good old favourite Croatia brings us a song about “My Stilettos”. I don’t have any stilettos, I’m tall enough as it is and I have no desire to break my legs, but this song makes me want to go out and buy some. Oh Severina! I actually skipped ahead in this preview so I could write about this song and listen to it again. I love it! I love it! Look out for the part where she chants “Afrika Paprika” by the way...
Clothes change?: Oh I hope so.
Hoping for: A stamped-on-by-stilettos- resistant stage. Folkie looking blokes in the background.
What would Anja say?: “I don’t really understand the act.”
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
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At the time I’m writing this I don’t yet know who from the semis will be going through to the final, so there are some gaps here and there. I do hope you manage to overlook this. I could of course predict who will be going through and what their running order will be, but given my talents in that department, that's pretty much a recipe for disaster.
Switzerland: Six4One: if we all give a little
There really are no words to describe how incredibly bad this song is. My gag reflex goes in complete overdrive upon hearing the first notes of this piece of crap. ”Six singers from six different countries” (Malta, Bosnia, Sweden, Portugal, Isreal en Switzerland), “ the ideal recipe for getting votes from at least five countries” the casting agents must have thought. See, that’s a little too unsubtle for my liking. And even the fact that one of the singers used to be an Alcastar is no redeeming factor. That just shows how bad this song is. Fuck off, Ralph Siegel!
Clothes change?: The singers are too busy conveying their “message” of making this world “a home for everyone”
hoping for: Electrical power failure. Or one of them snapping and knocking the others out with his or her microphone, thus turning it into a solo act.
What would Anja Daems say?: “What a beautiful message of peace and harmony all across Europe. Shame about the outfits.”
Moldova : Arsenium ft this and that – Loca
But have I spoken too soon? Here’s another crap song. Apparently the boys from O-zone, “numa numa jè”, you know the song, have split up and one of them is trying his hand at singing with a lady. The lyrics of this one are hilarious, and not just because it’s Moldovenglish. “Hey, Loco, please, espera un poco. And I’ll give you my choco. Do you want it or not?” Que? Shouldn’t this be censored?
Clothes change?: They’ll be too busy throwing roses at each other.
Hoping for: sponsorship from Nutella. Ricky Martin objecting to the word “loca” being repeated so often and starting a lawsuit.
What would Anja say?: “Did you know this guy used to be in O-zone?”
Israel: Eddie Buttler – Together we are one
Israel quite often does this multilingual thing. Well, I shouldn’t point it all to Israel, it’s a very Eurovision disease. Sometimes, like last year, it’s great because you can finally sing along with words instead of just “sounds”, but this year... urgh. You’d think they’d have learned from last year’s success and just sent Shiri again (and again, and again, and again), but no. It’s a bloke this time. A bloke with a stupid song. Which makes it three bad songs in a row, and that’s really too much to stomache for a Eurovision final.
Clothes change?: No. I expect he’ll be wearing a boring white suit though.
Hoping for: Shiri!
What would Anja say?: “Oh, what a stylish suit! What language is this?”
Latvia: Vocal Group Cosmos – I hear your heart
”Hang on, since when are Voice Male Latvian? Oh Piglet, a cappella isn’t just a Belgian thing, tsk.” I know, but when I’m forced to make very very bad jokes about a song, it just goes to show how sad it all is. It’s bad song number four in a row, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, this song will definitely stand out (out of boredom, at the very least), and if it’s staged well... no, even if it’s staged well and they chuck in a ton of sign language this should still sink to the bottom of the heap. It’s just bad. And a bad song sung A Cappella, is still bad.
Clothes change?: Now that would be spectacular!
Hoping for: A brass band marching onstage because they think it’s time for the interval. Oops.
What would Anja say?: “Where are the instruments?”
Norway: Christine Guldbrandsen - Alvedansen
After Lordi’s trolls we’ve now got the elves, with Norway’s “elfdances”. And finally something remotely good in this final. Apparently “every summer night has secrets, and Christine will tell us hers”... ooh. Ok then. This song takes you to Norwegian summer nights (whatever those may entail) and you picture yourself dancing with elves around a campfire. Depending on whether or not you like that sort of thing, you’ll like or dislike this song. I’m personally so relieved to be rid of the four previous songs, that I’ll gladly kick of my shoes and dance barefoot around an oak tree.
Clothes change?: No. She probably won’t be wearing shoes though.
Hoping for: Another guest appearance by Lordi, this time to chase the elves around the campfire.
What would Anja say: “I preferred Lordi’s outfit”
Spain: Las Ketchup – Bloody Mary
Eak! It’s Las Ketchup! You know, the three lasses with their stupid dance routine and their Ketchup song (I must admit that Aserejé was the first song I ever downloaded on my pc..., but please don’t tell anyone!). Spain must have thought that since the Fake-Las Ketchup last year did such a great job (ahem, even though I quite liked them), they might as well send the real ones this year.... Strange reasoning perhaps, but anyway, Last Ketchup have multiplied because there are suddenly four of them (another sister apparently) screaming their way to a Bloody Mary. This song isn’t as annoying as the Ketchup Song was (and it has a better title) but I’m not convinced these girls can actually sing. And if they can’t, this is going to be disastrous.
Clothes change?: What clothes? I expect they’ll switch outfits in the bridge.
Hoping for: Handsome waiters serving the ladies Bloody Marys on stage.
What would Anja say?: “I really preferred the Ketchup Song”
Malta: Fabrizio Faniello – I do
Fabrizio here is quite the eye candy for you boy-lovers out there, and that’s the only thing the poor bloke has going for him (perhaps I should be careful because The Girlfriend’s taken a shine to the lad). For the sake of The Girlfriend I’ll say the song is poppy and catchy. For my own sake I’ll say that’s all it is. I’m expecting many a melting gaze into the camera and many a poof on my sofa to declare their everlasting love, but I hope us ladylovers can tip the scales.Clothes change?: Only the background dancers, sorry ladies and gents.
Hoping for: Ok then, a shirtless performance.
What would Anja say?: Nothing. She’d be drooling.
Germany: Texas Lightning – No no never
There’s two country songs in this contest and of course they’re stuck right next to each other. Talk about bad luck! (well, it would have been worse had we sent Barbara Dex and she was in this row as well, but still) I have to admit I love this song, especially if the band will perform in the outrageous cowboy outfits they wore during the national final. Yii-haw!
Clothes change?: They might switch stetsons.
Hoping for: Golden cowboy hats. Line dancing. A cardboard stable and horse in the background.
What would Anja say?: “It sounds just like our Barbara Dex!”
Denmark: Sidsel Ben Semmane – Twist of love
Country Song number two. I must say I seriously dislike songs about “a guy named Johnny”. First of all, the name Johnny is... well, I don’t think I have to finish this sentence, do I? And second of all, I really don’t care about the fact that “once upon a time there was this guy named Johnny”. I’m sure there have been many Johnnies in the history of mankind and I feel no desire to hear their story. As I’m preparing myself to be hateful about this song The Girlfriend is shaking her butt and singing along. Hmz. I might be taking this Johnny Hatred of mine too far. The song’s not half bad. There. If you like Rock ‘n Roll at least.
Clothes change?: No. There should be some hyperactive dancers twisting on stage though.
Hoping for: Those hyperactive dancers. Hopefully in pink skirts.
What would Anja say?: “Oh, we really should have sent Barbara Dex to Athens”.
Semi finalist
Semi Finalist
Romania: Mihai Traistariu – Tornero
Romania’s usually a favourite in this household and this year’s no exception. I’m a bit over the song already but The Girlfriend is still a huge fan, shouting out “Tornero” at any given opportunity. Apparently Mr Traistariu’s voice can reach five octaves and one third, but I’d never really noticed. Ah well, it’s Eurotrash Kitsch, and I’m hoping for fist-in-the-air heterosexual-boy dancing, like the Macedonian bloke last year. Could a friendly Romanian perhaps explain the difference between “tornero” and “tornerai” to me? Thanks. And tornero! Tornero-o!
Clothes change?: His backing dancers might rip off his shirt.
Hoping for: Heterosexual fist-in-the-air dancing
What would Anja say?: “I love this dance routine. I don’t really understand why they rip off his shirt though”
Semi finalist
Semi Finalist
United Kingdom: Daz Sampson – Teenage life
Yay! Schoolgirls in uniforms on Eurovision! It’s every pervert’s wet dream, including mine. Shame you have to put up with the singer really. But no, I won’t be too vicious about this song, because it stands out. Brahim couldn’t have done a better job, I must admit. I don’t have a clue why a thirty-something man feels the need to rap about teenagers, but then I’m sure Daz doesn’t understand me either. Clothes change?: That would be sick and perverted. So, yes please.
Hoping for: Sexy schoolgirls of a legal age. The camera forgetting to focus on Mr Sampson.
What would Anja say?: “Why are these girls dressed like schoolgirls?”
Greece: Anna Vissi – Everything
For some reason a lot of people on “the internets” love this song, actually thinking it could and should win, and I honestly, honestly don’t get it. To me this is just another boring ballad with nothing really going for it. Then again, The Girlfriend doesn’t mind it... oh dear. But still, winning twice in a row is so nineties and the Irish weren’t too glad about it... so really, there’s no need for it. Been there, done that, and look at what the Irish had to do to not-win the contest for a change! Really Greece, it’s not a road you want to travel, trust me.
Clothes change?: Standing behind a microphone stand gesturing madly more likely
Hoping for: Glennys Grace style arm movements.
What would Anja say?: “I don’t think any country has ever won the contest twice in a row, so this would be rather unique.”
Semi finalist
Semi Finalist
France: Virginie Pouchin – Il est temps
Now I liked Orval last year. I really did. Her outfit was hideous, but I liked the song and don’t really understand why it scored as bad as it did. Anyway the French preselection this year was a monstrous affair and after Virginie had won with a decent song, they decided the song wasn’t good after all and went about writing a completely new one. Ok then. Maybe I just have a thing for French ballads, I don’t know, because I quite like it. Not sure if it’s something that will stand out on Eurovision though, but still.
Clothes change?: Again no. Quite disappointing.
Hoping for: Someone pretending to play the cello.
What would Anja say?: “What language is this?”
Croatia: Severina – Moja Stikla
”JER JOŠ TRAVA NIJE NIKLA TAMO GDJE JE STALA MOJA ŠTIKLA” Woohooo! How can you sit still after a chant like this?! My good old favourite Croatia brings us a song about “My Stilettos”. I don’t have any stilettos, I’m tall enough as it is and I have no desire to break my legs, but this song makes me want to go out and buy some. Oh Severina! I actually skipped ahead in this preview so I could write about this song and listen to it again. I love it! I love it! Look out for the part where she chants “Afrika Paprika” by the way...
Clothes change?: Oh I hope so.
Hoping for: A stamped-on-by-stilettos- resistant stage. Folkie looking blokes in the background.
What would Anja say?: “I don’t really understand the act.”
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
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