Sneak

Vanavond voor de eerste keer naar de sneak geweest, courtesy of The Artist Formerly Known as Lowagie, die ons ervoor warm gemaakt had. Over de film zal de Schattie nog wel boeken schrijven (haar geliefde Piper Perabo deed namelijk mee), dus zal ik u dat besparen. Wel even dit: het sneakvolk is een ras apart. Ernstige dames en (vooral) heren met notablok op de schoot en balpen in de hand (wij hadden er geen mee, wisten wij veel!). Een mysterieuze inleiding. Ontevreden klanten die de zaal verlieten. Mensen die elkaar kenden van ontelbare weken sneak, en dan wij daartussen. Newbies. Indringers. Waarschijnlijk zaten we, onwetend, op iemands vaste stek. De voorproevers van de cinema. Ze vervullen een belangrijke taak, elke dinsdagmorgen kunnen ze hun collega's vertellen welke films ze al dan niet moeten bekijken. Die collega's kunnen dan met hun ogen rollen en vertellen hoe De Werf toch veel schoonder was.
Het was een ervaring!

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the Contest

I must see this show.

Why don't I live in Australia?
(through Kengurupoika)

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Diverse

I missed my second Pride in ten years yesterday. Ah, the weather was shite and I didn't fancy it. So shoot me. I religiously watched the news broadcast though and saw the same old stuff: some people you wouldn't notice in a crowd, leatherboys and a drag queen or two. Afterwards I saw the images of another Gay Pride, one in Russia. This one didn't have a big party, I doubt there was even a single drag queen (what a disgrace, a pride without a drag queen!), because it had been banned by the authorities. "Moscow Mayor Yuri Luzhkov said he had banned the march because he believed homosexuality was not natural and because the event would cause outrage in society". Charming. Some poofs and dykes that did take a stand and got out on the streets, were beaten up or arrested.
Two very different prides, on the very same day. It makes you think.
And the thing that struck me as I saw the leaders of the Russian Orthodox Church on the news, with their big beards and fur hats, the first thing I thought was "I always knew there would be leatherboys in Russia". I actually thought they were the Pride parade, and the queers were the "normal" lot. It goes to show the biggest homophobes are secretly scared of their own sexuality.

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Eurovision 2006: Final

Stuffing eleven other people in our still tiny seating area was still not easy. Two Poofs and a sister had family obligations (honestly, which idiot plans his Communion on the night of Eurovision?), and demanded to keep them up to date with text messages. As if we had time for that with taking notes and commenting on everything! We had our revenge and told them France had won. Muha! A slightly different crowd last night, even a straight majority. And that for Eurovision! The comments especially showed the hormonal impact of two single straight guys (I’m not naming names duvelman and bietje).

I must say, just like in 2004 when Sakis was performing with his “showing pecs and abs” shirt, I loved how the top of his shirt was constantly left unbuttoned. “Why can’t I button up my shirt? I’ll be cold” he must have asked. “You don’t get to ask questions, bitch! Now get out there and show us pecs!” Yiiiha!

I missed some of the opening act because of some cretins being late, but I did notice some dolphin thingies and a ball with golden people glued to it. Only on Eurovision! Meanwhile, Andre, our closetqueen commentator, still hadn’t gotten over the fact that Kate Ryan was no longer taking part. Sweetie, let it go... just let it go...

Right. Onto Switzerland with their piece of shit tearjerking ballad. “If we all give a little”, blablablabla. Yes? Then what? Eh? What are you going to do about it, six different nationality people? Urgh. Coming 17th with this piece of crap is still 7 places too high! The elderly finally being able to work with a mobile phone, is not a good thing in my book.

On came Moldova with the infamous “I’ll give you my choco” line. I’ll just assume it means what I think it means, in which case I’m torn between slapping them or congratulating them on their courage. The song itself doesn’t deserve congratulations, though our Straight Twosome are very enamoured by their first meeting with The Eurovision Clothes Change. They’re disappointed when the girl puts clothes back on for the last verse, and instantly their support for this entry disappears. Ah well. Good riddance. (could this be the appearance of the second Camel Toe in the history of Eurovision, after Portugal?)

Israel makes us realise the theme for this year’s Eurovision is not only the wind machine and fireworks, but also white outfits (like every other year). Israel gets extra points for a surprising moment of choreography (just the one moment though), but that’s where it ends. You should have done like I said and sent Shiri again! That’s what you get for not listening to my advice.

Ooh, it’s a novelty item from Latvia. With a robot. WTF? I didn’t know R2D2 was out of work after the last Star Wars film. And don’t they break the Eurovision rules of not being allowed more than 6 people on stage? A question for the EBU me thinks. They do some kind of Knee Flick (cue Andre blabbering on about Kate Ryan...) and Michael Jackson appears on stage. Weird. Just weird.

Right. Norway. Our third consecutive act in white. Oh, I loved this song. The girlfriend is swaying and singing along. There’s a windmachine as well, so all that’s missing is the fireworks... wait for it... no, no, it’s not coming. Straight Man Two can’t stop praising the Norwegian woodnymphs and is actually barking at the telly. Poof One is immune to their charms and says this reminds him of those tacky shows on RaiUno. Blonde girls in long dresses parading about. Just when I think we won’t find a compromise, André brings the group together by once again blabbering on about how this “reminds him of Urban Trad”. Sweetie, that was 3 whole years ago! Closure! Honestly!

Ah, Spain, dressed in red, of course. Sitting in what looks like barber chairs and producing the worst singing I’ve probably ever heard. I’m still in love with their chanting of “duty free” (tuttifree), but sweeties... keep a tune, why don’t you. The singing actually gets worse and worse during the song. Even the Lesbian Moment between the female dancer and one of the Ketchupites doesn’t save the act, that’s how bad it is. Poof One predicts this will still get a lot of points. God help us all.

Malta’s singer is not quite playgirl material, for some reason he’s wearing a cummerband, there’s fireworks and his backing singers are dressed in the Selma Aladdin Kneepants of Doom. They might possibly even be the exact same ones Selma had last year. This cannot end well! Poof Two thinks Fabrizio is pretending to be a bullfighter and expects a bull to come charging on stage. The rest of the group quickly loses interest and starts talking about the Da Vinci Code. That’s what you get for inviting that lot to Eurovision...

Germany invokes the reaction that “the Germans just aren’t what they used to be in the old days anymore” (bavada). There’s a knee flick, pink “f*ck me” boots, strange boobies and a fabulously camp song. The Girlfriend is in love and singing along. Straight Girl One just calls it “Barbie goes Country”. “Ken goes Redneck” Straight Man Two adds. Right...
So much for The Girlfriend’s and my love of Germany.

There’s no twisting in Denmark, there’s not even a guy named Johnny, oh hang on, there he is. It’s a deus ex machina (well, we are in Greece after all) guitarman. Check it out, he can play the guitar by remote control while breakdancing! Fantastic stuff. There’s a tiny “woof” from Straight Man Two, but the rest of us are unimpressed.

Despite the poverty in Russia they did cut up a piano, kidnap three ballerinas and even buy a new t-shirt for Dima, this time with the number ten on it. Brilliant! I mean, Our Kate didn’t even have a second dress for the final, so we shouldn’t be surprised she got kicked out in the semis. “We’ve already seen this outfit! Piss off!” Straight Man Two is jealous because the straight ladies and the Poofs are madly in love with this guy. “The Russian twink” is even forgiven for the mullet. Oh, look, he’s wearing white underpants! Miaow!

The bloke from Macedonia remembered to put his underpants on underneath his jeans this time, so The Girlfriend and I can focus on Wonder Woman’s lovely legs without distraction. What’s that? The song? Oh, it’s catchy crap. But at least it’s catchy. And she’s got a nice butt. Shake it girl!

Romania didn’t have the funds for fireworks, so they just went for smoke. And Carola’s wind machine, of course. But then again, who didn’t? Poor Carola, dragging the thing on the plane, across the acropolis to the venue and then everyone just goes “oh, don’t mind if I use it?”. She doesn’t have it easy. But yes, Mihai, not everything is about Carola, is it. For some reason the boy didn’t dance along to his song and he looked a bit sickly. From smoke inhalation perhaps? Or perhaps he’s undead like Gado said. It’s all possible. His dancers do some serious Acting and I’m scared shitless when he makes the synthesizer “i i i” noise. I like it though. Tornero! Tornero-o!

Ah yes, Bosnia. Once again we’re fighting off an irate sofa who just don’t get this song, but we’re joined by one poof and one straight man who say it’s a good song. Finally, some recognition. Straight Man Two thinks Hari looks like Boy George, but I think he’s had one Guinness too many by this point.

Lithuania makes Andre mention once again that Our Kate didn’t get through the semis because of this song (erm... because of this song and ten others, but ok...) and therefor He Doesn’t Like It. This makes me want to vote for it just to piss off Andre! The Sofa is divided yet again, but those who love it, love it passionately. And they’ll vote.

Onto the Uk with their Cockney herd of Vicky Pollards. Daz forgot to take his rilatin and is bouncing around on stage as if he’s on a trampoline. Calm the hell down already. “It’s the result of 700 years of inbreeding” Straight Man Two (half Irish by choice) proclaims, before he adds “bloody imperialist bastards!”. I doubt he can be objective about this entry. Everyone else starts contemplating a career as a teacher, before deciding that after three minutes the schoolgirl stuff not only gets old, but also kinda kinky. And no longer in a good way.

Greece is Andres “second climax of the evening” apparently (I’m not making this up, I swear). Who knew Andre could manage that at his age? We’re just baffled, where’s the voice you’d expect to carry this kind of powerballad? Where’s the outfit for that matter? You might have dressed up a little, Anna! There’s a lot of hair and a lot of arm movements to show us that she means it. But what exactly? The lone straight girl waving a Greek flag quickly hides it under her chair. Nope, we don’t get why this is tipped as one of the winners.

Finland: they came, they saw, they rocked. “Monster will win”.

It’s the second Barbie appearance of the evening with the Ukraine and of course our Straight Men are fans. The price of Ukranian women on the internet will soar again, they tell us. Even women and poofs like her though. “She looks like Svetlana”, our Poof with No Sense of Eurovision, says. That’s Ruslana, sweetie, Ruslana.

France bores us into a coma. “Cars will burn” Straight man Two says. So much for peace and quiet in France tonight. Next time send a girl that can carry a tune, that might help.

And yess!!! Finally, Croatia! I always tend to like the Croatian entries, so I’m hardly objective, but this is brilliant. Go Severina and her choir of ethnic looking blokes. My stilettos indeed! My enjoyment of this show is hindered once again by The Sofa who are reminded of the Fast Show’s “Channel 9” and find nothing better to do than act out scenes from it. “Bono Estente” Pff, I’ll enjoy it on the video, I’m sure.

On comes Brian bloody Kennedy and our half Irish Straight Man has already awarded him a score of 50 out of 20. A minute into the song, his score dramatically plummets. Where’s the leprechaun? Where’s the “fuck me, I’m irish” T-shirt? So many missed opportunities for old Brian. Nevertheless, this will be Half Irish Straight Man’s opening dance at his wedding. Just to spite us.

The Girlfriend suspects that if Carola were to smile her face would explode and she’d turn into a member of Lordi. It’s an interesting thought. She does something annoying with her chin when she hits the high notes and sparks an interesting conversation on homophobia versus lesbophobia. Look at that wind machine go though!

Sibel is Turkey’s answer to Gwen Stefani. Or that’s what Andre says. Poor Turkey. The song is growing on me, I’m afraid to admit, but the woman is still too scary for words. She doesn’t need to smile, she fits in with Lordi already. Yikes! “It’s another transsexual” Straight Man One goes. It could be.

And last but not least, bondage fun with Armenia. The Unibrow (or “brow and a half”, as kip claims it is) is more noticeable now than it was in the semis and the mention of the word “love” makes us wonder what it would sound like if Armenia did a duet with Brian Kennedy. “What I lose, what I find, without yer luff”. It could work! Perhaps next year?

And that’s it. Nana Mouskouri is brought back from oblivion to hold onto the hourglass thingie and make sure it doesn’t fall over. Hardly respectful! On comes the most bizarre interval act ever and then it’s time for the lightning quick scores.
Slovenia cracks some jokes, Andorra actually rewards Spain for their crap song (politics! Politics!) and for some reason Romania gives Moldova twelve points. Why? Why on earth? We also notice how just about everyone gives Ireland points. Oh come off it, Europe.... I’m glad Belgium doesn’t, and long live Yasmine for holding up her “We love Kate Ryan” sign. Bless. Paul De Leeuw is fantastic “you look like Will and Grace”. Go Paul. At last someone who understands why Sakis’ shirts are always carefully unbuttoned. And there we go... Finland wins with a (wait for it...) monsterscore. (I’m truly hilarious, I know)


I wonder what Carola makes of it all. There she is, with her Christ tattoo firmly inked on her shoulder and who should win but a bunch of satanists who used her wind machine. Or didn’t they? I don’t remember.
And Lordi themselves. How will they ever ever be taken seriously in metal festivalland. “And here’s Lordi, the guys that won the Eurovision song contest!” Poor, poor blokes.
But hey. Go Finland.
I just hope next year doesn’t see 35 monster rockers taking the stage...

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Dilemma

What would you choose?
- Commentary by André Vermeulen and Bart Peeters
- Commentary by Cornald Maas and Paul De Leeuw
- Commentary by ... the infamous Terry Wogan

... it's a difficult choice!

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Eurovision Semi Final Review


It’s not easy stuffing eleven adults in a tiny seating area. Granted, some of them were of the vertically challenged persuasion (Kip, Sweetie), but others (dvlmn) were true giants. Squeezing together is good for the atmosphere one must think.
We had flags (even one Italian flag… hmz), score sheets, lyrics and of course a framed photo of Our Kate Ryan in front on a candle-lit shrine. What more could we do for her?

It is truly not-done to arrive late on a Eurovison viewing. Some might have excuses (work! Parent-teacher meetings!), others just don’t (uh…). They had the pleasure of receiving our Evil Glare of Death and the pure luck that others didn’t mind getting up during the Contest to open the door. Lord knows I’d have left them standing in the rain (like Lorraine last year.. remember?) until the interval.
Anyhow, it’s good all eleven of us were there, because it will allow me to steal jokes from 11 people instead of just thinking up my own. Muha!

Much hilarity ensued over the first few minutes: an overdose of camp, kitsch, drag queens and leftover acts from the Olympic games.
Spikey informed us all that apparently Eurovision voting is not political (ha! Take that, dad!) but is powered by religion. Apparently Catholic countries vote more for other Catholic countries, and so on and so on. Perhaps Belgium should switch dominant religion then? Perhaps to something Orthodox… I hear it’s all the rage.

Sakis Rouvas is wearing way too much clothes, our Sofa of Poofs sighs, André jinxes Kate’s performance by already referring to Xandee (yes, that turned out well, thanks a bunch Andre!) and Spike asks if we can watch Temptation Island next. No, we cannot.
The theme for this Eurovision semi final (last year’s was drums, if you remember) is *drum roll*... Wind Machines. Let’s see if it’s the same in the final.

Armenia is taking part for the first time ever, and it’s obvious that they’ve been watching a lot of contests to at least get their act right. There are bondage ribbons, a table and chairs (so much for La Sakhra and her sofa!) and a plagiarised knee flick. His singing is way off key, but who gives a shit, at least he plucked his eyebrows. Minus points for not having a clothes change though.

Bulgaria scares me to death, but apparently the song has grown on me. I know, how awful. There are veils, a larger lady (it’s always good in Eurovision to have your own Larger Lady Backing Vocalist), lots of shouting and some strange camp guy with an astounding amount of make up and white hair singing in the background.

Slovenia had already won the heart of our one-year-old babysit-kid, so naturally the Girlfriend and I followed. Warskinny immediately dismisses the song because it’s got a slow beginning / fast middle kind of thing and “that never does well on Eurovision” (Oh yeah? How about bloody Carola then?!). The Girlfriend and I are crazy about his “chistory” pronounciation, the wind machine, the phantom of the opera plagiarism (or at least that’s what Kip calls it) and the great campy choreography. I’m a fan. Seriously.

Andorra, My beloved Andorra. How I had hopes for you after last year’s fiasco. I even wrote in my preview that “you were no Dutchwoman with big teeth”. And no, you weren’t. You did however have a god-awful frock on (I really wish it had stayed in customs), your singing was bad and what the hell were your dancers doing in their underwear? This provoked an Interesting Discussion on the Sofa on whether or not the underwear dancing was vulgar (the majority claimed it was, the Girlfriend just looked turned on and said it wasn’t).

Belarus: For some reason everyone on my Sofa thinks this is good. I don’t. It’s too much and some guy is wearing his underwear on top of his jeans! They fake Ruslana in more ways than I thought possible and the poor lass’ last notes are terribly off key. It’s a hit with the audience though.

Albania: It’s fez time! The singer loses points for not wearing his fez, but it’s thoughtful of him to bring his dad and uncle along to Eurovision. Again, the Girlfriend and I are alone in our obscure love of this song. I’m sorry, but I just can’t resist a singer with some teenage spots.

Belgium: There we go, the moment we’ve been dreading and looking forward to. Kate is wearing a godawful dress that ‘s about 13.980 Euro overpriced, the directing is terrible (we even get to see a random shot of some guy’s shoes!), Kate is smiling way too much and her choreography… oh dear, oh dear. Really, next time just keep the act the way it was. I know, Xandee died because her act was too simple (and because, hello, try coming right before Ruslana and after Deen!), but Kate is dying because of the silly, bad choreography. Ditch the American choreographer, put your Selma Alladin pants back on, and for christ’s sake, lay off the “Kate, I am your father” Luke Skywalker lightsaber microphone stands! Especially when held near genitalia! Belgium is doomed. Yet again.

Brian F*ckin Kennedy (Ireland) has a vicar in his backing choir. He does! Watch it in the final. You’ll see I’m right. The rest of Europe must have heard something else than we did because everyone on The Sofa is collectively falling asleep. Time for more drinks and nibbles. We cringe simultaneously on the last high note –apart from Warskinny, who’s pretending to like this song, just so he can be annoying and later say that “he knew this was going to go to the final”.

Cyprus brings us to new lows with some kind of banana-droopyboobs-dress. Ditch the stylist, sweetie! “Why do innocent Children die”, she wails, while waving her expensive bracelet-covered arm about. I don’t know why they die, why do innocent adults die, or guilty children for that matter? It’s an honest question either way, isn’t it. Perhaps next time we can discuss matters like these instead of listening to Cyprus. The audience loves it, well, they’re obliged to, they’re Greek, and Duvelman spots Daffyd, “the Only Gay in this Choir” among her backing vocalists. Please just focus on Daffyd, dear cameramen, we don’t care about Miss Bananacovered diamond.

Monaco’s answer to Belle Perez gets great directing (something us Belgians are pissed off about) and her musclemen bribe the Gay Sofa into giving the performance a ten. So shallow, it’s a disgrace. The “bridge” goes on forever and we suspect the girl’s an asthmatic, the ways she’s moaning at the end. Next!

Macedonia is “hip”, “cool” and whatever else you need to be to have “street credibility”. Notice my liberal use of Oprah quotation marks. The girl is jumping and cartwheeling all over the place, dressed in a never-nude pair of shorts and looking like she’s off to the beach. Comic-fans on the Sofa remark she stole Wonderwoman’s outfit. And she did! What a cheap way to get the geek vote!

Poland: is so far over the top it’s not even good anymore. I know. Me, Huge Fan of All Things Camp and Over the top, have to say that this is Too Much. (My hatred of Ich Troje has nothing to do with this by the way. Nothing at all) The song is nice, but the outfits , their singing, the whole “oooh, she’s pregnant” thing. Urgh. Bring me a bucket, please. “The Real McCoy” looks like an absolute prat, standing in the audience, and where are the silly dance moves I requested? Don’t you people listen to me?? Oh, and you looked better with red hair, Groany Guy. I secretly hope it falls out because of all the chemicals. Muhaha.

Russia is a winner on the Sofa, because… well, have you seen him? Putting the number 13 on his t-shirt is hilarious by the way. The camera gets a good view of his arse when he crawls on the piano, that ensures his victory even more. At this point our Sofa of Poofs doesn’t even notice the rose petal-stuff anymore, they’re too entranced by Dima.

Turkey is scaring the hell out of each and everyone of us. What the hell is this all about?? Sibel looks like someone’s granny has decided to squeeze into an ugly, too tight, flesh-coloured corset. Occie claims she looks like Shell from Bad Girls, only this Shell didn’t shave her armpits decently. She’s Cher, she might possibly be a bloke, but she’s just terrible.

the Ukraine surprises me. I wasn’t at all impressed with the CD version, but one minute of this and the entire Sofa goes “she’s the winner”. The act is just perfect, the singing’s good. Yep. Possible winner.

Finland: do we need words? The straight couple behind the Sweetie and I are grinning from ear to ear. They “needed something surprising to really give the boys a 12”, they said. Out came the fireworks and the wings. Yep, it’s another winner! I especially loved the keyboardist. Who knew Klingons could be sexy? Bavada suspects it might be Johnny Logan hidden behind one of those masks. And who’s to say it couldn’t be? Johnny Logan, Cliff Richard and Lulu? It might be!

The Netherlands: “Look, it’s Hanson”, Duvelman goes. And it is. If these girls were smiling any more their faces would crack. They’re just scary, especially when they go for the “pseudosexy” writhing around their djembes. Eak!

Lithuania is another instant hit on The Sofa. The Girlfriend, Warskinny and I act blasé about it. “This is really taking the piss out of Eurovision and it should therefor be punished” we say, but secretly we love it as well. Plump Bald Guy on the left is everyone’s favourite. We suspect they’ll start a rendition of YMCA any time, but alas.... I advise everyone not to like Lithuania, as this song could be bad for Our Kate’s chances of getting in the final. “just like the other 22 songs” Duvelman goes. Er... yeah....

Portugal brings us a camel toe live on Eurovision. Is it the first? I don’t know, but it’s memorable. The only memorable thing about this piece of crap Waterloo-rip off. Who knew three minutes could last a lifetime?

Time for Carola, her wind machine, scary blue fabric and ghastly golden suit. I doubt she has any facial expressions left and she looks younger than she did some fifteen years ago. “Jesus shaves” though, apparently. The Sofa’s not a fan, this is too much of a “We Must Win” formula. Give it a rest, Sweden, you’ve won with this type of song three hundred times already.

Estonia brings us the Thunderbirds in “fuck me” boots. It’s Abba again, good choreography, a wind machine (where have we seen this before?) and everyone gets on my case because I said there’d be sleighbells. Apparently it’s something else. Oh bugger off, all of you! I’m pissed off because even this is better than Our Kate was.

Bosnia & Herzegovina’s performance is ruined by the inane chatter on The Sofa. These people just have no culture! The Girlfriend and I shush them and tell them to pay attention to the beautiful song, but everyone just goes “blablabla fall asleep listening to this”, “when will the song start?” etc etc. They’re all heathens!

And then Iceland. I’m not sure whether Greece just wasn’t in on the joke or they booed because she asked them to, but the booing was still weird. She sounds like Barbie Girl on Speed (when she phoned god, I thought she said “hi Ken”), I don’t know why she was moaning, but hey, I’m a Eurovision slut, this was enjoyable to me. Not sure why she was goosestepping though...

And the winners? Turkey getting through is just... WTF?!? Macedonia... pffff.... I really really miss Slovenia in the top 10, and well... us. Heh.

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To our esteemed guests for tomorrow

There'll be ten of us tomorrow. I suggest you each bring ne stylo, because I'm sure I don't have ten of those lying about.

On top of that, you've all seen our "tv area", right? Riiiiiight...
I've delegated the task of rearranging furniture and rewiring the TV to the Girlfriend (she might just have to go out and buy a bigger telly, who knows). She'll also be in charge of food, drinks and decoration.
If she seems a little stressed tomorrow, it'll be because I was safely tucked away at work all day while she had to fight off a vacuum cleaner, furniture and three overjoyous cats. Oh, and because of Eurovision, of course!

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Some thoughts before the semi.

Having read up on the rehearsals it seems we are in trouble. Every country comes with a choreography more complicated than the next. There are wind machines, giant stilettos, ribbons, chairs, fireworks and clothes changes. The poor people of Europe won’t find a way of discerning between the different songs! So my tip for the top this year: a sober song. Perhaps a ballad, perhaps an ethnic song. I’m rooting for Bosnia, and dreading for Ireland.
Add to that that this year the best songs are in the semi-final, which is bad luck for us. About half the songs that are straight in the final are absolute shit, I have to say.

And our Kate? I'd give her a 50/50 chance of getting to the final. Which, given that this is Belgium, is not bad I suppose. Only her performance will then have to be quite a bit better than it was during the first dress rehearsal...

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Eurovision 2006: the Final

At the time I’m writing this I don’t yet know who from the semis will be going through to the final, so there are some gaps here and there. I do hope you manage to overlook this. I could of course predict who will be going through and what their running order will be, but given my talents in that department, that's pretty much a recipe for disaster.

Switzerland: Six4One: if we all give a little
There really are no words to describe how incredibly bad this song is. My gag reflex goes in complete overdrive upon hearing the first notes of this piece of crap.
”Six singers from six different countries” (Malta, Bosnia, Sweden, Portugal, Isreal en Switzerland), “ the ideal recipe for getting votes from at least five countries” the casting agents must have thought. See, that’s a little too unsubtle for my liking. And even the fact that one of the singers used to be an Alcastar is no redeeming factor. That just shows how bad this song is. Fuck off, Ralph Siegel!
Clothes change?: The singers are too busy conveying their “message” of making this world “a home for everyone”
hoping for: Electrical power failure. Or one of them snapping and knocking the others out with his or her microphone, thus turning it into a solo act.
What would Anja Daems say?: “What a beautiful message of peace and harmony all across Europe. Shame about the outfits.”

Moldova : Arsenium ft this and that – Loca
But have I spoken too soon? Here’s another crap song. Apparently the boys from O-zone, “numa numa jè”, you know the song, have split up and one of them is trying his hand at singing with a lady. The lyrics of this one are hilarious, and not just because it’s Moldovenglish. “Hey, Loco, please, espera un poco. And I’ll give you my choco. Do you want it or not?” Que? Shouldn’t this be censored?
Clothes change?: They’ll be too busy throwing roses at each other.
Hoping for: sponsorship from Nutella. Ricky Martin objecting to the word “loca” being repeated so often and starting a lawsuit.
What would Anja say?: “Did you know this guy used to be in O-zone?”

Israel: Eddie Buttler – Together we are one
Israel quite often does this multilingual thing. Well, I shouldn’t point it all to Israel, it’s a very Eurovision disease. Sometimes, like last year, it’s great because you can finally sing along with words instead of just “sounds”, but this year... urgh. You’d think they’d have learned from last year’s success and just sent Shiri again (and again, and again, and again), but no. It’s a bloke this time. A bloke with a stupid song. Which makes it three bad songs in a row, and that’s really too much to stomache for a Eurovision final.
Clothes change?: No. I expect he’ll be wearing a boring white suit though.
Hoping for: Shiri!
What would Anja say?: “Oh, what a stylish suit! What language is this?”

Latvia: Vocal Group Cosmos – I hear your heart
”Hang on, since when are Voice Male Latvian? Oh Piglet, a cappella isn’t just a Belgian thing, tsk.” I know, but when I’m forced to make very very bad jokes about a song, it just goes to show how sad it all is. It’s bad song number four in a row, ladies and gentlemen. Yes, this song will definitely stand out (out of boredom, at the very least), and if it’s staged well... no, even if it’s staged well and they chuck in a ton of sign language this should still sink to the bottom of the heap. It’s just bad. And a bad song sung A Cappella, is still bad.
Clothes change?: Now that would be spectacular!
Hoping for: A brass band marching onstage because they think it’s time for the interval. Oops.
What would Anja say?: “Where are the instruments?”

Norway: Christine Guldbrandsen - Alvedansen
After Lordi’s trolls we’ve now got the elves, with Norway’s “elfdances”. And finally something remotely good in this final. Apparently “every summer night has secrets, and Christine will tell us hers”... ooh. Ok then. This song takes you to Norwegian summer nights (whatever those may entail) and you picture yourself dancing with elves around a campfire. Depending on whether or not you like that sort of thing, you’ll like or dislike this song. I’m personally so relieved to be rid of the four previous songs, that I’ll gladly kick of my shoes and dance barefoot around an oak tree.
Clothes change?: No. She probably won’t be wearing shoes though.
Hoping for: Another guest appearance by Lordi, this time to chase the elves around the campfire.
What would Anja say: “I preferred Lordi’s outfit”

Spain: Las Ketchup – Bloody Mary
Eak! It’s Las Ketchup! You know, the three lasses with their stupid dance routine and their Ketchup song (I must admit that Aserejé was the first song I ever downloaded on my pc..., but please don’t tell anyone!). Spain must have thought that since the Fake-Las Ketchup last year did such a great job (ahem, even though I quite liked them), they might as well send the real ones this year.... Strange reasoning perhaps, but anyway, Last Ketchup have multiplied because there are suddenly four of them (another sister apparently) screaming their way to a Bloody Mary. This song isn’t as annoying as the Ketchup Song was (and it has a better title) but I’m not convinced these girls can actually sing. And if they can’t, this is going to be disastrous.
Clothes change?: What clothes? I expect they’ll switch outfits in the bridge.
Hoping for: Handsome waiters serving the ladies Bloody Marys on stage.
What would Anja say?: “I really preferred the Ketchup Song”

Malta: Fabrizio Faniello – I do
Fabrizio here is quite the eye candy for you boy-lovers out there, and that’s the only thing the poor bloke has going for him (perhaps I should be careful because The Girlfriend’s taken a shine to the lad). For the sake of The Girlfriend I’ll say the song is poppy and catchy. For my own sake I’ll say that’s all it is. I’m expecting many a melting gaze into the camera and many a poof on my sofa to declare their everlasting love, but I hope us ladylovers can tip the scales.
Clothes change?: Only the background dancers, sorry ladies and gents.
Hoping for: Ok then, a shirtless performance.
What would Anja say?: Nothing. She’d be drooling.

Germany: Texas Lightning – No no never

There’s two country songs in this contest and of course they’re stuck right next to each other. Talk about bad luck! (well, it would have been worse had we sent Barbara Dex and she was in this row as well, but still) I have to admit I love this song, especially if the band will perform in the outrageous cowboy outfits they wore during the national final. Yii-haw!
Clothes change?: They might switch stetsons.
Hoping for: Golden cowboy hats. Line dancing. A cardboard stable and horse in the background.
What would Anja say?: “It sounds just like our Barbara Dex!”

Denmark: Sidsel Ben Semmane – Twist of love
Country Song number two. I must say I seriously dislike songs about “a guy named Johnny”. First of all, the name Johnny is... well, I don’t think I have to finish this sentence, do I? And second of all, I really don’t care about the fact that “once upon a time there was this guy named Johnny”. I’m sure there have been many Johnnies in the history of mankind and I feel no desire to hear their story. As I’m preparing myself to be hateful about this song The Girlfriend is shaking her butt and singing along. Hmz. I might be taking this Johnny Hatred of mine too far. The song’s not half bad. There. If you like Rock ‘n Roll at least.
Clothes change?: No. There should be some hyperactive dancers twisting on stage though.
Hoping for: Those hyperactive dancers. Hopefully in pink skirts.
What would Anja say?: “Oh, we really should have sent Barbara Dex to Athens”.

Semi finalist
Semi Finalist

Romania: Mihai Traistariu – Tornero
Romania’s usually a favourite in this household and this year’s no exception. I’m a bit over the song already but The Girlfriend is still a huge fan, shouting out “Tornero” at any given opportunity. Apparently Mr Traistariu’s voice can reach five octaves and one third, but I’d never really noticed. Ah well, it’s Eurotrash Kitsch, and I’m hoping for fist-in-the-air heterosexual-boy dancing, like the Macedonian bloke last year. Could a friendly Romanian perhaps explain the difference between “tornero” and “tornerai” to me? Thanks. And tornero! Tornero-o!
Clothes change?: His backing dancers might rip off his shirt.
Hoping for: Heterosexual fist-in-the-air dancing
What would Anja say?: “I love this dance routine. I don’t really understand why they rip off his shirt though”

Semi finalist
Semi Finalist

United Kingdom: Daz Sampson – Teenage life
Yay! Schoolgirls in uniforms on Eurovision! It’s every pervert’s wet dream, including mine. Shame you have to put up with the singer really. But no, I won’t be too vicious about this song, because it stands out. Brahim couldn’t have done a better job, I must admit. I don’t have a clue why a thirty-something man feels the need to rap about teenagers, but then I’m sure Daz doesn’t understand me either.
Clothes change?: That would be sick and perverted. So, yes please.
Hoping for: Sexy schoolgirls of a legal age. The camera forgetting to focus on Mr Sampson.
What would Anja say?: “Why are these girls dressed like schoolgirls?”

Greece: Anna Vissi – Everything
For some reason a lot of people on “the internets” love this song, actually thinking it could and should win, and I honestly, honestly don’t get it. To me this is just another boring ballad with nothing really going for it. Then again, The Girlfriend doesn’t mind it... oh dear. But still, winning twice in a row is so nineties and the Irish weren’t too glad about it... so really, there’s no need for it. Been there, done that, and look at what the Irish had to do to not-win the contest for a change! Really Greece, it’s not a road you want to travel, trust me.
Clothes change?: Standing behind a microphone stand gesturing madly more likely
Hoping for: Glennys Grace style arm movements.
What would Anja say?: “I don’t think any country has ever won the contest twice in a row, so this would be rather unique.”

Semi finalist
Semi Finalist

France: Virginie Pouchin – Il est temps
Now I liked Orval last year. I really did. Her outfit was hideous, but I liked the song and don’t really understand why it scored as bad as it did. Anyway the French preselection this year was a monstrous affair and after Virginie had won with a decent song, they decided the song wasn’t good after all and went about writing a completely new one. Ok then. Maybe I just have a thing for French ballads, I don’t know, because I quite like it. Not sure if it’s something that will stand out on Eurovision though, but still.
Clothes change?: Again no. Quite disappointing.
Hoping for: Someone pretending to play the cello.
What would Anja say?: “What language is this?”

Croatia: Severina – Moja Stikla
”JER JOŠ TRAVA NIJE NIKLA TAMO GDJE JE STALA MOJA ŠTIKLA” Woohooo! How can you sit still after a chant like this?! My good old favourite Croatia brings us a song about “My Stilettos”. I don’t have any stilettos, I’m tall enough as it is and I have no desire to break my legs, but this song makes me want to go out and buy some. Oh Severina! I actually skipped ahead in this preview so I could write about this song and listen to it again. I love it! I love it! Look out for the part where she chants “Afrika Paprika” by the way...
Clothes change?: Oh I hope so.
Hoping for: A stamped-on-by-stilettos- resistant stage. Folkie looking blokes in the background.
What would Anja say?: “I don’t really understand the act.”

Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist
Semi Finalist

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Eurovision 2006: Semi-Final. Finland to Iceland

16. Finland: Lordi – Hard rock hallelujah
Eak! Hide your mothers, daughters and just about everyone who tought Lord of the Rings was freaky. Homosexuals and satanists, all in one night. What more could the Conservative Right need to blow up the whole of Eurovision? If you thought Norway was scary last year (yes, I’ll admit, the spandex would not suit just anyone), you’re in for something this year. But of course, it rocks like it wouldn’t stand out on Headbangers Ball, and it stands out like a sore thumb amidst all the Eurotrash. “Now choose to join us or go straight to Hell” they sing... well, ok, final it is then. Clothes change: No.
Hoping for: a virgin being sacrificed on their altar, live on stage.

17. The Netherlands: Treble – Amambanda
Treble, ladies and gentlemen, are the annoying lot of teenage blonde girls who sang some kind of nonsense with lots of syllables a while back, and made it into the Belgian charts. Not that that’s very hard, but still. My point is, we’ve already been subjected to them, must it happen again? Well, apparently so. We’ve got three blonde girls, three djembes and a made up language. “No-one’s ever sung in a made-up language before at Eurovision”, the blondest of the three remarked. Someone never heard of Urban Trad then. Wankers. And for god’s sake, if you want to make up a language, invent something that actually sounds like words, not just plain gibberish. “Amambanda” we though, “yeah, that sounds great. And the song evolved from there”. Honestly!
Clothes change? No, that would take away the attention of the serious message of this song.
Hoping for: A ban on djembes. Sooner rather than later.

18. Lithuania: LT United – We are the winners
No you’re not, but it’s a nice thought. This song is so much better since they’re singing “weaners” instead of “winners”. Fabulous stuff! Only in Eurovision! Add a very very strange act and their indoctrination to “vote! Vote! Vote! Vote! For the weaners!”, I see this getting a lot of protest votes. Hell, even I’d vote for them.
Clothes change? I’m betting on it
Hoping for: madness! Madness!

19. Portugal: Nonstop - Coisas De Nada
Hey now, that’s not fair ! We’re already sending Abba and we were first in the show. So piss off back to Portugal and don’t come back until you’re copying someone else! The nerve!
Clothes change? What clothes?
Hoping for: off key singing. Failing dance routines.

20. Sweden: Carola fangad av en stormvind Invincible
Some people can never get enough. You’d think a woman that’s already been to Eurovision twice, even won once, would be satisfied watching it from her sofa, stuffing chips in her botoxed face. But no, aiming to de-throne Johnny Logan, here’s Carola again! Apparently she sings amazingly well, apparently she’s a queerbasher, and even more apparently this might win. Pfff. For one she’s not even singing in Swedish, which is a big no-no for me. And I’m not overly impressed with the song. But this should be a professional performance.
Clothes change?: No, too gay
Hoping for: rainbow flag waving. Or a throat infection.

21. Estonia: Sandra Oxenryd – Through my window
Estonia pulls a “Greece 2005” and has a Swedish girl sing for them, in the hope that this will gain them more votes. For some reason quite a few people on the internet are mad about this song, and I really really don’t get it. Yes, she’s blonde, but hand me a bottle of peroxide and so am I. Nope, La Pigleta is puzzled. “Through my window” is a rocky-poppy thing, complete with sleigh bells. Yes, sleigh bells. The kind of ringing you get with all the Christmas songs, like... “Stay Another Day”, the East 17 song. She’s got a great position, near the end of the show, so this could do well. But I’ll keep grumbling about it (unless she has nice boobs, in which case I might be persuaded...).
Clothes change? I really couldn’t care less
Hoping for: Nice boobs, and a bad dye job.

22. Bosnia & Herzegovina: Hari mata Hari – Lejla
Zjelko Joksimovic, a name often revered in The Piglet & Merlina household, returns to Eurovision as a composer. Now you might think this is a new Serbian effort to disgrace Bosnia, but no, he even does a good job. It’s not as good as “Lane Moje” was (but then I was such a huge fan of that, not much folk-light will ever compare to that), but still definitely good enough. If this has any kind of fitting podium act, this will sail through to the final. To compensate for the lack of bitchiness about this song, have a laugh at what the official site has to say: “Like the most famous of all child stars, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, Hajrudin (Hari Mata Thingi) felt the music inside himself from an early age. He followed it instinctively, and has proved himself to be a true musical star.” Aaaah. How cute. Gay boy!
Clothes change? Oh no
Hoping for: Geese

23. Iceland: Sylvia Nott – Congratulations
Let’s make no mistake about this one, this song is crap. It just is, there’s no doubt about it. But Sylvia Nott (or “Sylvia Night”) and her podium act more than make up for this. The girl’s so unsubtle, it could be Les Mysteres performing, and for that, we salute her. She brings men, flags, jumping out of paper doors, a scary outfit, a non-Bjork-icelandic accent and some improvisation. How can you not love this girl?! Til Hamingju Island!
Clothes change? Several probably
Hoping for: High stilettos.

All photos are taken from the official Eurovision website: http://www.eurovision.tv


After all this reviewing, I suddenly realise why I suffer from Post-Eurovision depression every year. Because the wrong songs always tend to go through, and a few of my gems go unnoticed. That either means The Public has appallingly bad taste, or I do.
Nevertheless, it sucks.
And I’ll mentally prepare myself for a fortnight of whining, crying and bitching about the Evils of Eurovision. And I’ll warn you for it as well.
There you have it.
consider youself warned.

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Eurovision 2006: Semi-final. Ireland to Ukraine

8. Ireland: Brian Kennedy – Every song is a cry for love
Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, Mr Stephen Fry would say. Now, I realise I was mean about last year’s Irish entry by the fabulous Donna & Joe, but I came to my senses after their performance and converted to Donna & Joe-ism as soon as I could. I doubt I’ll be doing that for old Brian here. As a mitigating factor I’d like to point out the way he sings “love” (“luff”) is too cute, but that’s where it ends. This song might move grannies and Westlife (not the cheese, the boyband) fans to tears, and yes, if it features sign language it might go far, but to me this song is a load of utter utter shite. Of course, a lot of people fall for cheesy stuff like this, and apparently it comes across great on screen, so... I’m dreading seeing Mr Kennedy back in the final. Please god help me.
Clothes change? Might actually save this song
Hoping for? Sign language. Candles. And a camel.

9. Cyprus: Annette Artani – Why Angels cry

”Piglet”, I hear you ask, “we’ve heard you talk about this American Idol- style ballad so many times now, but what does it all mean”. Well, sweeties, This Cypriot entry is about it. Boring. Shouty. Slow. Probable big hand movements and the lyrics, the lyrics... “why do the angels cry, innocent children die...”. Oh please, just give me a bucket to puke in, especially after bloody Brian Kennedy.
Clothes change? Dying children don’t usually appreciate clothes changes.
Hoping for:Simon Cowell. And a few children with sad faces in the background.

10.Monaco: Severine Ferrer- La coco-dance
This song reminds the Girlfriend of cheap cruise ships to the Carribean, or even the title song to the cartoon “Ovide”, and she has a point. I’ll be very disappointed if she doesn’t come onstage clad in just two coconuts and a Hawaiian straw skirt. I’m also expecting drums on stage, which is like, so 2005, dudes, and perhaps some “real” African raindance, which might end up in a lawsuit for racism. Something to look forward to, I’d say...
Clothes change? She won’t be wearing enough
Hoping for:The Love Boat.

11. F.Y.R. Macedonia: Elena Risteska – Ninanajna
Elena seems to be a mix between Ruslana and Britney Spears, but without the good old Claudia Beni class. As you can tell from the title, the lyrics are not that intelligent, but who cares. This song invites to shake your bootie, so your response should vary depending on the butt of the person you’re with and their ability to shake it. Johnny Logan will be glad to hear there’s a bridge
Clothes change? Probably
Hoping for: An exact copy of Ruslana’s act and outfit

12. Poland: Ich Troje : Follow my heart
Who remembers the god awful “Keine Grenzen” from 2003? Three idiots, three languages, one shouting bloke with flaming red hair? They’re back, only this time they’ve brought The Real McCoy along. Remember him? Oh, the nineties, decade of shamefully bad synthesiserpop, how I love thee. And this song comes straight out of the nineties. It’s a very simple pop song, and despite my hatred of Ich Troje (especially because of their very high score with a shit song about “no borders, no flags, peace on earth for crying children blablabla”) I have to admit... I love this song.
Clothes change? Hell yeah.
hoping for: A very silly “serious” dance routine.

13. Russia: Dima Bilan – Never let you go
oh, lookie here, it’s eye candy! Another one of those fabulous songs that makes “broken glass” rhyme perfectly with “happened to us”. The song is not bad, but who cares when this hunk is singing it. The act will make or break this song, I think. Clothes change?: hmm... no
Hoping for: a strip-tease

14. Turkey: Sibel Tüzün – Superstar
I’m sorry, but what is everyone who likes this on about? To me it sounds like a woman shouting “blablabla superstar! Blablabla superstar!” and that’s probably exactly what she’s saying. Now I know lyrics are never a deciding factor in this Contest, but that’s only when you’ve got a great song. This, my dears, is not it.
Clothes change: probably
hoping for: her to be out of breath from the clothes change, making her singing and performance disastrous.

15. Ukraine: Tina Karol – Show me your love
And we’re going from scary to even scarier this Eurovision... on to the second shouty woman in a row. I have no idea what this promo picture is all about, by the way. Will she be joined onstage by five drumming soldiers? Are they planning an invasion with Iran’s enriched uranium? I honestly don’t have a clue. Any tips from the Ukranian delegation would be welcome.
Clothes change: We can’t show her our love if she doesn’t show us hers.
Hoping for: Soldier boys. Lots of them. With flowers in the barrels of their guns.

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Eurovision 2006: Semi Final 1-7

A new year, a new logo. No more cutesy hearts, but something that looks like it came straight from a media player window. The kind of background you get when you play a slow song. Unsurprisingly, I quite like it. The new motto is not “Unite Unite Europe” or “Let’s be get happy and let’s be gay” but “Feel the rythm”. This reminds me of an old house/disco song, but I’m sure no copyright infringement was intended. Again, I quite like it. It makes Eurovision seem like a “real” contest, instead of a campfest.
But let’s quit the bitching and get on with the show.

1. Armenia: Andre - Without your love
A newcomer to Eurovision and a real treat for our geography lessons, because where the fuck is Armenia?? The Eurovision site describes it as “transcaucasian” which just sounds scary and ok, also pretty Russian. So we’ll just assume it’s somewhere near Russia and be done with it (seeing as Russia stretches from Poland to China, that’s not saying much, but hey, we’re too lazy to open up an atlas).
Right, the song, the Sweetie told me to mention the song as well. The first version of this song was fabulous, a mix of ethnic music, pop and probably embarrassing dancing. Probably in an effort to sound more “european” they kicked out half of the originality and ended up with Latin Ethnic-light. The choruses make up for the verses though, and as long as they bring Russian folk dancers, I ‘ll like this.
Clothes change?: they don’t realise the necessity of this yet
Hoping for: Russian folk dancers.

2. Bulgaria: Mariana Popova – Let me cry
The backing singers might sound like they’re reciting Hare Krishna incantations, but there’s nothing wrong with that. This song is a sweet ballad with a few American Idol shouty moments now and again. Not the worst of its kind, but not the best either. Unless she wears a Shiri Maimon dress perhaps... and looks the part. I’m holding my breath to see if they manage to keep all of the screaming at the end in tune.
Clothes change? Nope
Hoping for: out of tune screaming, hand movements.

3. Slovenia: Anzej Dezan – Mr Nobody
Oh, the first song with slow choruses and fast verses of the evening (yes, André, La Sakhra was so original and one of a kind), and also our first “you came in the night, like a ray of light” rhyme. Can I please have a big round of applause? It’ll take a strong man to resist the trance-y build up of this song and despite being a tough dyke, I’m powerless against it. He manages to perfectly rhyme “hero” with “sleeping tightly on your piiillow”, so in my book he can do no wrong.
Clothes change? Probably just the backing dancers
Hoping for: sing language. Just to see if they can match the paces of the song. Muha!

4. Andorra: Jenny – Sense tu
I love this song. A powerballad, but not the American Idol-kind. I don’t see her lifting her hand to remind herself how high a note to sing. I see her clutch on to her microphonestand and belt out the song angrily. How dare anyone leave this girl!? Hearing her sing “The nights are so cold/alone in my bed/without you” in sexy Catalan makes me want to go out to Andorra and look for her. Shouldn’t be so hard to run into her there, it’s the size of a postage stamp.
Honesty urges me to remind myself that I also quite liked last year’s Andorran entry “la mirada interior”, which completely bombed onstage, so perhaps I should prepare myself for possible disappointment. But Jenny’s no Dutch woman with big teeth! I have to keep the faith.
Clothes change? Oh no.
Hoping for: A Shiri Maimon dress

5. Belarus: Polina Smolova – Mum
Great! It’s Lordi! Oh no...it’s some girl with a weak voice on top of some synthesised rock sounds. Ah well. I’m expecting many a stroboscope light-induced epileptic attack to this song.
Some of Mariana’s many hits (in Bulgaria) were “you didn’t come” and “we can try again”. I am Goatboy! I have a dirty mind! And it beats talking about this heap of noise. I would like to link to the official Eurovision site and quote their explanation of the lyrics: “It's about a woman who would like to keep hold of the strongest and most real thing in love – the beginning. She knows in a way that everything is transient and she wants to cry and to forget.”
Right. Well, Goatboy couldn’t have put it better.
Clothes change? I’m dreading it.
Hoping for: A guest appearance by Lordi.

6. Albania: Luiz Ejlli - Zjarr e Ftohte
Ooh! Ooh! It’s a man in the fez!! Please let him wear the fez to Eurovision, please!
”Zjarr e Ftohte” means “fire and cold” but unless they bring flame throwers and penguins (perhaps that bloke from Papa Penguin can come back?) onstage, you’d never notice from the music. It’s ethnic-time again, so thumbs up from Piglet. The boy looks absolutely adorable cute and gay in his fez, so thumbs up from the assorted queens. The song switches between slow and fast, so thumbs up from La Sakhra and André Vermeulen. But I’ve no clue if this’ll do anything on stage. Don’t forget my advice about the penguins... flame throwers have been done before, I suppose.
Clothes change? Oh yeah!
Hoping for:Well, penguins obviously!

7. Belgium: Kate Ryan – Je t’adore
There we go, our first treat of Abba this Eurovision. At last! It took us six songs to get there! What can I say about Kate? Nothing. It would either be laughable (if I seem to be overly optimistic) or depressing (if I’m too pessimistic). But I like Kate. I do. Seeing as she’s catering for the disco abba-loving queen in all of us, it’s not that difficult to like her. So I wish her as good a contest as Deen had back in 2004. There.
And yay for knee-“swishing” and cute gay boys... if she keeps them in...
Clothes change? Don’t think so.
Hoping for: Singing in tune, a decent performance and a better backdrop. Thank you.

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Je suis désolée

I don't always know how to act, especially among bigger crowds. Especially among bigger crowds of people I don't yet know fivehundred years.
I either become incredibly shy or incredibly loud, bordering on arrogant. It's an automatic mechanism. The only positive fact is that I know it's bound to happen so I can apologise in advance. If only I knew how to stop it, but I guess that's part two. I sometimes say stupid things, meant to be jokes, that aren't very funny at all. Usually I cringe immediately. Sometimes I don't even notice my "joke" could have been construed as rude.
I'm very sensitive to how I think other people see me. "how I think" being the operative phrase here, because it will at least partly be coloured by how I see myself. It can lead to embarrassing situations where I try to prove myself right or wrong. So, I guess you can say I'm pretty good at putting my foot in it.
Usually with people I really like, which makes it worse.

So, there you have it. A big "I'm sorry" to all those who have fallen victim to my weirdness (and don't you dare all comment "apology accepted" to this post. I'm sure I've not offended all of you. And if I have, you probably deserved it.)
Erm... there we go again. Ahem.
Work in progress, me.

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ESC

Thinking about the Eurovision viewing... perhaps the guy with the beamer had a point after all....

Oh boy.
I hope some people don't mind carpet burns.

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what the fuck?

This weekend a black boy was beaten into a coma by two idiot skinheads.
Today an 18-year-old skinhead (18!) shoots a black woman, a Turkish woman and a white little girl. I'm guessing the white girl was an accident. The black woman and the little girl are dead.

Can someone please tell me what the hell is going on?
Since when is Belgium the Bronx?

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Medical Harassment

I had to make a swift but rather impersonal visit to the work-doctor today. It's always nice to check how tall you are, whether you have any dangerous diseases or are likely to die soon on the expense of your job, so I gladly volunteered. Not so gladly once I heard they'd be testing me for TBC again (cos ow!), but hey. Apparently my vision is still perfect (so far, so good), as is my hearing, I've grown another 2 centimetres since two years ago (what the hell?) and I don't have diabetes or a bladder infection. Nothing else life-threatening either *gingerly checks out patch on her arm where they did the TBC test*... Nope, it's not turning black just yet.
I feel a little harassed, since I was asked to remove my clothing and then had to sit for a talk with the doctor in my underwear. What? We couldn't have chatted with my clothes still on?
I suspect the doctor was rather shite though, because she failed to notice my serious pneumonia that would cause me not to be able to go to work for another two weeks (say, till after Eurovision...). What an idiot! Tsk!

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Must I really?

Dealing with the urge of throwing my colleagues off high cliffs makes me think I'm either premenstrual, or on the right way for a burn out.
Probably both.

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Nothing!

People at Panos really don't understand the meaning of "with nothing else".
PanosDyke: *grabs huge bottle of probably curry ketchup*
Piglet: NOOOOOOO! Erm... no, no sauce either.
PanosDyke: *dips hands in box of tomatoes" "Some tomatoes?"
Piglet: Erm. No. Nothing. Just the chicken and the sandwich.
PanosDyke: "is salad alright?"

AAAAAAAARGH!

Oh. And I just had a photo taken for my new electronic ID card... yes, folks, you've read it right. While the UK are still arguing, we're forced one step further. Gone are the days of the "paper" ID card with your national security number, photo, address and crap like that. Enter... the chip. Yes, a fucking chip. With god knows what kind of information on it! I know that if you want a loan in the bank, they read your chip, so if even bloody private stuff like financial information is on it, who knows what else will be.
Does anyone know, actually?

The photo sucks by the way. Urgh.

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Too hot for Kylie

I woke up too early this morning, stuck to my bedsheets. Urgh. Too warm for my winter PJ bottoms and Kylie T-shirt (Can it ever be too warm for Kylie? Well, apparently so!). Took a shower and feel slightly more human now.

Seeing as it's going to be over 25 degrees today (or so they say) I'm faced with some vestimentary problems. My legs are too white for a skirt, and I have to be honest and say that I wouldn't feel "safe" wearing one to the families I'm visiting today. I need new sandals, so I'm stuck with tropical heat trainers (yes, you can imagine the consequences when I take them off) and while it's warm enough to wear a T-shirt, some of the houses I'll be going to are cold to the point of arctic, so I definitely need a sweater.
Things are never easy, are they?

Apart from that, can I just blow my nose and say how fucking great it is that hayfever season is back? It used to be just my eyes and headaches, now I've got a sore throat and a running nose to add to that.
Or it could just be that I have a cold on top of hayfever.... and perhaps my headaches are stress- or oestrogen-PMS-induced rather than caused by pollen... I really should have become a doctor so I could analyse myself all day long!

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Haven't you got a soul? Take a yoga class, my god!!

I've become a huge fan of Project Runway. Having seen it once by accident at Occie and Spike's, I was an instant fan. How could I not? A bunch of bitchy fags and airheaded bitches (and one hot dyke-lookalike...and Kara Saun), it basically sounds like any of my birthday parties my ideal crowd!
In case you've never seen it, it's about a bunch of wannabe-fashion designers competing for enough money to start their own collection. I think. I'm not sure really, cos who cares. I only watch for the bitchyness!
Spikey, ever the collector, downloaded the whole series (and some spin-offs) and I think we spent more time at theirs last week, than we did at our own place. The kitties were not amused, I can tell you...
We've stranded right before the Grand Final show. Of course, being impatient, I already looked up who wins, but I still want to see the ultimate back-stabbing and bitchyness in action.
Such great TV!

"I did not steal the bitch's dye, that's for sure!"

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Dé ultieme "fuck me botjes"!
(met dank aan Spike voor de Congratulations DVDs)

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Pre-"Eurovision preview" stress

"Isn't it about time you started your yearly Eurovision preview, Piglet?"
No.
Because for one, it's still 16 days (only 16 days! Only 16 days!) till the contest's semi final and -as most of you undoubtedly know- it doesn't do to climax too early. Second of all, when to write the fucking thing. I'm working late all week, apart from Friday where I've got the afternoon off to do overtime and fall comatose in the sofa. I don't have an office of my own, so writing at work is also out of the question. Damn.
And thirdly, what to write about this year's batch of miscreants, misfits, hopefuls, disco queens and arrogant twits? Where to draw the line? Is it immoral to steal photos from other websites? Is it wrong to say that -for instance- the French are crap? Should I be careful about my support for practically everything ex-yugoslavic, I might be sought after for warcrimes, who knows.
So many questions.
So yes, I will write my review. I hope. I think. (I can hear people in Scotland shudder and run away at this point). But I still need to work out the kinks in my brain.
This is Eurovision after all. It's serious!

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