ge liegt!

Zou het zijn broer zijn die de koers gewonnen heeft?
Of zijn neef?

En zou hij ook liiiieeeeegen?

"Ge liegt, Simoni. Ge liegt!"
"mijne man noemt u Tony Strontbakkes"

Mja, radionieuws kan zo grappig zijn...

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Gay Moscow

I'm angry now.
(Especially about the fact that I have to keep posting links like this)

Hey, but on the other hand, the Pet Shop Boys are big in Russia. Fancy that.

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Yay strike!

Babysitting is eating my brain! Thankfully our monthly babysitting stint was cut one day short this time (well, we did babysit three other nights as well last week, but still..). This means we have some time to sit in our own sofa tomorrow, clear out this pigsty and spoil the cats (I feel guilty for leaving them alone all day and night -I'm pathetic). Or go out, obviously.

But YAY for postal workers on strike! We got one of our expected packages today and the amazon ones are apparently waiting for us in the local post office.

Thank you Postman Pat!

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Strike

Note to the postal workers on strike: Now is really not a good time.
I'm expecting not one, but three packages (one from a fabulous Scot, two from Amazon) this week.

And I've been waiting months, yes *months*, for the last two.

So your decision to go on strike right now, at this exact moment.
Well, it strikes me as a bit selfish honestly.
You forgot about *me*!
And I know unions are all about solidarity, and *you* know that I've always been about solidarity and unions and lefties and whatnot as well. So let's make a deal: you get me those packages on time after all (just three thingies, none of your mates are gonna notice, and it's a long weekend ahead) and you can keep the bills addressed to me for just a little bit longer.

Unless they have an urgent due-by date... Hmz... that might not work after all.

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Old ladies

Undergroundsea posted about old ladies and how our perception of them is probably flawed: "The grannies we're getting as the years pass are really bad ass bitches posing as sweet old lambs. Do not be fooled! They're wont to complain, not frightened to abuse and quick to hide behind their years and feigned meekness. So always be on your guard! Watch out for long-flowing kaftans and keep your kittens close to your chest! Attendez!

And if you think they didn't plan to squeeze in front of you in the supermarket queue - you've got a lot to learn. "

And she has a point.

Every single morning when I walk to work (and by "walk" I mean the couple of streets from where I've parked my car to where I work) I pass two old ladies. In the exact same spot. Dressed exactly the same way every day.

Lady number one likes to keep hidden. She's sneaky. Just as I pass her front door, she will throw open the door and stand in the doorway. In her raincoat. As I nod hello and pass, she closes the door again.
I wonder, does she do this for everyone, or am I special?

Lady Number Two is a few door's down. She's sitting in her doorway staring at me. When I nod hello she pretends not to notice (no, she's not blind).

All these months I've thought "they're old ladies, I should treat them with kindness and not think they're weird".
But who's to say they're *not* weird, just because they're old ladies? Who's to say Lady Number One isn't an exhibitionist (though one forgets to open her coat) and Lady Number Two isn't just plain rude?
But am I allowed to tell them off for it?

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Een Heer In Het Verkeer

Wegenwerken zijn nodig. Akkoord, ze maken een mens al eens kribbig. Vooral als de lieftallige Sofie-van-Peter 's ochtends praat over "hinder" en "vertraging" en het in realiteit blijkt te gaan om een kilometerslange file. En als je tien minuten vroeger vertrekt om NOG 5 minuten later dan gisteren op je werk te komen (tot zover twee keer een kwartier compensatie), mja, da's niet plezant.
Normaal gezien duurt mijn huis-werktraject zo'n drie kwartier. Sinds de werken (nog tot midden juli) reken ik daar best een half uur bij. De binnenweg is ook geen oplossing, want die duurt zowiezo al een uur en -je raadt het- daar zijn ze ook aan het werken.
Lovely.

Als iemand dan ook eens twee nachten na elkaar bitter weinig geslapen heeft (not by choice), kan ze al minder verdragen. Dus begon mijn bloed bijna te koken toen ik vanavond gezapig aan het aanschuiven was voor de één-vaks-70km/u-snelweg. Naast me (op het tweede rijvak) was al de hele tijd een tuinman uit Kortemark (te zien aan zijn camionette) vriendelijk aan het aanschuiven. Hij hield het tempo van mijn rij aan, schoot zich niet naar het begin van de file, kortom... een gentleman. Ik liet hem dan ook graag voor me "ritsen". (Ik ben namelijk een ritser, El Sympatica enzo). De 70-er in de Mercedes achter mij plakte echter aan de kont van mijn bolide om toch maar NIET de volgende -even vriendelijke- gentlemen te laten inschuiven. Wild gebarend van "achter mij! Achter mij" bleef hij gas geven om toch maar geen enkel plaatsje vrij te moeten geven.
Arsehole.

Van pure vermoeidheid/consternatie/idiotie heb ik dan ook nog mijn afrit gemist vanavond. En dan ging ik es vroeg thuis zijn.
(Ik heb ook diesel op mijn broek gemorst bij het tanken)

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D'uh

What do you do when you can't sleep?
Well, you find out interesting things about gay flamingos who've adopted an egg.
Obviously.

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Any Dream Will Do. And Billy Elliot.

Watching Any Dream Will Do gave me an urge to watch Billy Elliot again.
I loved that film. First saw it in Manchester (oh, there she goes again, with the "Imaginary English Girlfriend". Shut up. She's not imaginary!), and I've loved it ever since. Billy wants to be a ballet dancer instead of a boxer. And "hey, that doesn't make him queer", as his mining father and brother discover. The fact that he prefers kissing the boy next door to the girl down the road... well, a lot of 11-year-old boys think girls are disgusting. But in the end he stars in the all male version of the Swan Lake... hmz. Could be just a job. Nothing is said explicitly and I'm sure many people won't get the feeling that Billy is in fact a poofter. But I do. And I might be right, or I might be wrong -insert Little Britain-esque Scottish flute here-. But the fact that the film doesn't go out of its way to Prove that Not All Male Ballet Dancers Are Queer, adds millions of bonus points for me.

Other random facts:
- On ADWD: Lee should quit his Ronan Keeting sshhllurring, and then he might get somewhere.
- ADWD: What did Jonathan Woss mean when he said "he wasn't "A Joseph", because he was in fact straight" (well, I never!).

- Stephen Fry should've gotten a BAFTA for Secret Life of the Manic Depressive. He Was Robbed, I tell you.

And I need a chill pill.

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Barbara Dex award

A week after the Eurovision Song Contest, the second most important award is handed out: the Barbara Dex award, for the year's worst dressed participant.

Winner this year is -completely undeserved-: Ms Verka Serduchka.
For some reason Marija Serifovic (Serbia) came second (what's wrong with lesbian suits I ask you) and Moldova's see-through-no-underwear-thing was only third.

It's a conspiracy! Neighbour voting! Unfair, I tell you!


(And this should conclude my Helsinki 2007 obsession. Onto Belgrade 2008!)

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It's too easy

See, sometimes the religious right is just too funny...

For those of you not in the know already: Jerry Falwell's dead.
Boo-hoo.
Falwell was a queer-,woman-,anything-hating piece of shit.
Kinda like Fred Phelps.

Both of them enjoyed picketing funerals of people who'd died of AIDS, with funny little signs saying "god hates fags", thanked god for massacres (because those were god's punishment for sinners" and other tasteful things.
Nice guys, right?

You'd think they'd get along though. Two idiots often do.
But listen to this: Fred Phelps is planning to picket Jerry Falwell's funeral because, apparently "Falwell warmly praised Christ-rejecting Jews, pedophile-condoning Catholics, money-grubbing compromisers, practicing fags like Mel White, and backsliders like Billy Graham and Robert Schuler, etc. All for lucre -- making him guilty of their sins."

Now that's Karma for you!

(through Melle)

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Eurovision Final review

Yet again I’ve made myself completely ridiculous by shouting out “she’s good, but she’ll never win. Ballads always finish second”. So, for next year when I say that, the song *will* probably win. Good to know!

Our living room was stuffed with 14 people, one of them a Eurovision virgin, all busy scribbling notes and giving rude comments. Of course I missed the opening act again, due to latecomers (-grmbl- I swear, next year they’ll just have to stay at the front door till the end of the show!), but I noticed Lordi were there with massive fireworks, all very impressive.
“I want that lot to win!!” I thought. Er, well, they won last year, they’re not actually *in* the competition this time. Oh. Pity.

First of all, we must all thank Anja Daems and André Vermeulen for their utterly hilarious commentary. We salute you.

Anja tells us every female singer will be using the famous wind machine tonight. The thing was probably so expensive they feel they have to use it to the fullest. “I really don’t want to use the wind machine, actually, the act is fine without it” - “No, you must. It’s in the rules of the contest!”

First song was Bosnia with… well, what on earth was that dress she was wearing?! Not only was the cut terrible, it was also in some kind of vomit green. Bosnia’s backing singers stand there like Biblical pillars of salt until they “come to life” and make weird arm-movements that make me think of MacBeth’s Witches. Then suddenly, on comes Legolas –looking like he’s been dead for a few weeks (Dj Bobo, you were right!) - armed with some kind of banjo (or whatever, I’m no expert) to hug the lead singer. I probably don’t *want* to know the explanation of the choreography. I quite liked the song, but the staging was terrible and this was not a good song to open with.

Then Spain brings us our Boyband for the evening, “the muchachos” as André calls them (oh André, you old flirt). The “cheese factor’” is immense. For some reason women are drumming onstage, there’s off-key vocalising and we play a game of “spot the straight boy”. It takes us a while to find one, but that’s what Eurovision’s for. No-one on The Sofa notices when the boys switch to English, which is proof of how fabulous their accent is.

Belarus’s Princess Diana (thanks, Theloa) didn’t even bother to put on a different shirt since Thursday. Boo! He’s still “able and wheeling” to do everything for us and more and more we notice the sad plight of the fat backing singer. Standing to the side, she’s not even allowed in on the “wall-pushing and –pulling”. It’s discrimination, that is! Anja tells us Koldun has his “baby tooth around his neck”. More and more like Terry Wogan every year, our Anja.

On we go to Ireland and not even our resident half-Irish (not sure which half) can pretend this is good. The poor girl looks absolutely paralysed with fear: “So many people! Help! Get me the fuck out of here!”. One too many Xanax, who knows?! She starts swaying from leg to leg like autistic kids do when they try to calm themselves down. I’m cringing and I just want this ordeal to be over with as soon as possible. For all our sakes. Out comes a little drum (a “bodhran” ResidentHalfIrishMan furiously corrects me) and she lets go a little, but it’s a relief for everyone when the song’s over. Damn, Ireland. You really don’t want to win, do you.

Big applause and fireworks because there’s Finland and boy, doesn’t she look absolutely pissed off to be there. Never have I heard anyone sing “leave me alone, I want to go home” with more conviction than tonight. Anja tells us she won the Finnish Pop Idol and she was probably forced to take part. Well, she’s not happy about it and makes sure we notice. Why she’s wearing a Dramatic Dress is beyond me, why she didn’t comb her hair as well and she’s got a glare to rival Alan Rickman’s. Help!

During the postcard for Macedonia we notice that Anja and André didn’t bother to write new jokes, but they convincingly pretend they’ve never heard the Finnish presentation-jokes either. Very nice of them. I wonder what Macedonia’s strange ballet choreography has to do with anything, but then what do I know. We discuss whether Karolina does –as Anja said- have nice legs (the majority agrees) and I enjoy her singing “we leave a dream”. Don’t ever leave your dreams, Karolina. Not ever!

Slovenia doesn’t convince our resident Gaylords when she starts singing, but once the bombastic “marching of the communist army”-music starts, she quickly wins everyone on The Sofa over. It must be handy to always have a nightlight on hand (get it? “on hand” … sometimes I scare myself) and she’s singing so enthusiastically one of her sleeves falls off her shoulder. But “she doesn’t need sleeves!”, The Girlfriend proclaims. Too right, she doesn’t. “I think she can lift off any minute” Anja says. Anja! Honestly!
What I don’t get though, why is Slovenia always overlooked by their neighbours? They ended only 15th with a song that was infinitely better than Bosnia’s for instance. Anyone can shed some light on this?

But then Hungary is back and I feared this might win. Feared because while it’s good, it doesn’t touch me. Everyone on the Sofa’s a fan though, and I amuse myself with listening to her sing “I beliewe you”. Eurovision is so much more amusing now everyone can choose their own language to sing in!

Poor Lithuania (kinda like the UK) could not have had a worse draw, coming behind a good ballad like Hungary. Consequently no-one even notices Lithuania, despite the nifty shadowplay, the guitar and (most importantly) the leather jacket.

Luckily enough Greece can light our fire (and our desire, obviously) with the most unintentionally hilarious dance routine of the evening. Sarbel blatantly stole Sertab’s dance routine and forgot that he’s not a woman. He doesn’t have any boobs and shaking his chest doesn’t make much of an impression. Ronald thinks the act would have worked better with guys than girls, and I agree, though I’m scared to think which particular part of their anatomy they’d end up shaking then. Sarbel could have worn something a bit more impressive than a grey tracksuit, and he is yet another Ricky Martin lookalike to be sent to Eurovision by Greece. Nevertheless it’s his plagiarism of Sertab’s routine (and Claudia Beni’s!) that really pisses me off. Find your own routine, Sarbel!

And then Georgia is back and Baloo points out Sopho might actually be Condie Rice in disguise. You know, I do see it! The act is still the same as in the semi (obviously), apart from one of the Ballet Ninja Turtle dancers making a funny face at the camera (what is it with us? See a camera and all of a sudden we pull faces, stick out our tongue and start jumping up and down “notice me! Notice me!” You’re on a stage, you twit, we’re all noticing you!).

As for Sweden’s The Ark: Duvelman is disappointed that the lead singer “doesn’t have any tits” (-sigh- straight men), but I keep shouting “You go Sister!” at the telly. What a guy! Then he throws off his jacket and lies down on the floor. The Sofa starts shouting “You stole my mojo, Dr Evil!”, but I’m in love. Unfortunately for the Swedes, unless they send Abba (-clones) or Carola, they don’t do much in this contest. Damn you, voting public! Damn you!

It was Pride in Belgium this Saturday and France brought tribute to that. What a fabulous song and routine. “Why are they singing with an English accent?” someone asks. Simple. Because they can! Because it’s fabulous! For some reason Jean-Paul Gaultier has sewn a plush cat on one of the suits, which is… a tad bizarre, even for Eurovision. Just a tad though. The fact that it took me till the end of the song to actually *notice* the cat, shows how much we’re used to in this contest. This song ends incredibly underrated.

Latvia’s six funeral directors bore us to tears and I’m so glad they didn’t do much after all (I feared for top 5). All these guys do is walk around on stage and someone points out they don’t even handle *that* well. André says they want Italy to feel morally obliged to take part in the contest again. You know, I think it might work: “We can bring crap like that so much better”.

Oh, but we’re ready for Russia, three young girls in school uniforms (though, as Bietje pointed out, a school uniform without a tie just isn’t as impressive), stroking their microphone stands, singing about “tasting their cherry pies”. Who writes this stuff and what do they tell the girls they’re singing about? “It’s about cooking, honest”. “Don’t call me funny bunny”, they sing. Well alright, I won’t. Why on earth would I?!

Germany hasn’t got over the election of Angela Merkel and sings about how women rule the world. Again, very jazzclub, the intellectual viewer loves it, I sit there and sigh. André says it’s the best thing Germany’s sent in ages. Obviously he’s already forgotten about Lou’s “let’s get happy and let’s be gay” then! Some research, André, please!

The Girlfriend and I are nearly moved to tears when Ms Serifovic represents Serbia and even Anja notices the lesbian choreography (I would’ve believed it was all innocent, that’s how naïve I am). I love this song. (Hee, Serbia winning will mean the audience in Belgrade won’t boo as much for former Yugoslavian votes!)

And I also love The Ukraine! Immediately The Sofa sits straight, perks their ears and is wildly enthusiastic. Verka has bigger boobs than I thought she would have (one thinks about these things), her dance routine is fantastically ridiculous, she slaps her backing singer on the arse and I see visions of Kyiv 2008. It would probably have to be in a barn, because where will the Ukraine find the money to organise it yet again?

Before the UK even starts André says the main question is whether or not they’ll get nill points. I guess he’s not a fan then. Probably still a bit bitter his favourite Andorra was chucked out of the semi (anyone else notice the “Where is Andorra” banner in the audience? Hilarious!). The UK could not have had a worse draw. Two silly acts, where one’s clearly better and more original, right behind each other. I really liked “Flying the Flag”, (oh shut it) but it drowns in Verka’s shadow. One of the girls is made up like a clown and the other one acts like a slut when she wishes everyone a “pleasurable” journey. See, that just wasn’t necessary.

And it’s another silly act with Romania, but again this is funny and well, yes, quite a bit stereotypical, but I can’t help but grin and sway along. There’s male bonding on stage, kissing even (Umlaut claims they shout out “homo chachacha”), they’re all jolly good friends and yet again they ask Italy to come back to the contest. “We’ll continue referring to you in a stereotypical fashion till you get so pissed off you’ll either start a war or take part in the contest again”. I think the Big Four would like Italy to come back as well, for some good old fashioned Western European bloc voting. I expect the lobbying to start soon.

Anja claims the Bulgarian girl looks like Ruslana (what? Because she has long hair?) and The Sofa shouts “MulletMan rules”! I however fear there’ll be 20 drum-acts in next year’s Eurovision, next to 20 fake balkan hymns, and hope this doesn’t do too well. Alas, I’m doomed.

After Greece, it’s another entry for Sertab when Turkey takes to the stage. “Let me see your hands in the air” he shouts. No. First you tell us what “candy you have for me” instead, because what on earth are you on about? At first we think the backing singer is yet another drag queen, but close inspection of the man in question shows that he’s wearing trousers. Ah, it would have been nice though.

Onto the “Johnny Logan of Armenia”, according to Anja. She immediately warns us Hayko is popular with emigrants so he’ll get a lot of votes. He’s brought his own tree to Finland (“it’s cold there, they might not have any”) and has tied toilet paper to its branches. The wind machine gives the whole thing an even spookier look (if that was possible) and nearly breaks the damned tree when one of the branches comes dangerously close to ripping off. Now that would have been interesting television! The song would have sounded a lot better in Armenian and everyone on The Sofa falls asleep. Pity, cos I quite liked this.

Then Miss “Underwear Or Not” is back for Moldova and here and there people come out of the closet and say they quite like this. I spot Ola from Sweden waving one of the flags in the background (the Swedish are good with their flags, they’ve been taught by the best), while the rest of the backing dancers struggle with theirs (Can’t. Get. Them. Off. My. Hands. Help. Me!). And isn’t it weird how you keep hearing a violin even when she’s finished “playing” it!? Strange!

And that’s it for the songs. Onto the interval and all I can wonder about is, if the woman on the trapeze were to fall down, crushing several audience members, when would we know who won the contest? Luckily that won’t happen, because The Girlfriend helpfully points out there’s a rope tying her to the thing. Thank god! Priorities, people!
There’s hilarity and a bit of pity when Ireland gives the only two countries placed lower than them points, causing *them* to end up last. And there’s immense joy in the lesbian part of the living room when Marija –balkanbloc or no- wins the whole thing. “Lesbians for Europe, unite”, indeed.


And because we take this far too seriously and have too much time on our hands: the top ten from The Sofa:
1. Ukraine (105 points)
2. Slovenia (94)
3. Serbia (88)
4. Georgia (43)
5. Hungary (42)
(6. Bulgaria, 7. Belarus, 8. Greece, 9. France, 10. Moldova) – Look at that, we’re Eastbloc voters!

On another note: could they please put up the scores bigger, because maybe it’s the fact that not everyone has a 150 inch flatscreen tv, but I couldn’t for the life of me read the scores in detail. Very frustrating.

(In case you're interested there's a mini-rant about the whole politics debate here.)

‘t Was a good year I think. Onto the next!

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Semi-Final Eurovision Review

I tell you, it’s about time this song contest became *less* popular. 28 songs were too much for the poor people following every single rehearsal, and even I dreaded it at first. However, the night flew by for me, but that might have had something to do with the fabulous company. Some on the sofa, some through sms (not even hospitals can keep the ESC spirit at bay!).

(Anja and André are the Belgian commentators)

Immediately Anja helps us out by telling us that we’re in Helsinki (no kidding?!), which is the Capital of Finland. No?! I never knew… Fancy that. The Girlfriend sees this as proof that the VRT Commentary is an absolute must. More and more I wish she’d let me watch BBC or Holland (Paul de Leeuw!). Alas, she’s the boss of me, so…
I missed the complete openingact, fetching drinks and all, but I hear it was nice. I did notice Finnish is a pretty hot language, and that’s a bigger incentive to visit a country than those silly postcards.

Trends this year: Chains, S&M, fireworks (Lordi influence), hair shaking, and … Wind machines (Warskinny just pointed out to me that Finland is kinda windy, so they might have just left the doors open). So in the end Carola and her wind machine did win a little bit, somehow.

Right. On with the first act: Bulgaria! Drumming! Shouting “eeee” (love it when she does that)! A man with a mullet, which is sometimes a good sign in Eurovision (Dima Milan vs Fomins & Kleins from 2004) and a wind machine. And boy, was it windy on stage! That thing must have been programmed wrong, instead of “slight fangad av en stormvind”-breeze, it was on “hurricane”! The sofa is critical of the singing and we all cringe when the MulletMan has his obligatory moment in the spotlight (sing-drumming …). Apart from that we all we really do is notice the set. André, however, is completely in love. It’s the best thing they’ve ever sent, he claims. Well, since they’ve been taking part What?… three years…? That’s not really hard is it.

Israel on next, and to my horror most of the sofa quite like this. But then so did I at first, and by the end of the night all of them have forgotten about Israel in favour of other countries. Thank god. At one point I think that the drummer has tied an Arafat-scarf in his hair (massive points for provocation), but after much consideration The Sofa concludes that it’s a lace handkerchief. Israel is angry! They kick! They can’t sing! There’s a funny accordionman (points for that) and there’s even a “Sound of da police”-sample, according to The Girlfriend. Nevertheless, I’m glad it’s over.

Ah, there’s Cyprus and for the first time The Sofa is in agreement that this is “not bad”. The dress however, is horrid. It’s as if she’s stuck pieces aluminum foil together with black masking tape, leaving strange parts of her body uncovered. We know you’re a bit of a gay icon, Evridiki, but not even Cher would have worn that! She’s got a funny Dalida-accent, but overall she comes across as pretty damned scary. Evridiki goes all out with the Eurovision clichés (well, she should know, it’s her third time at Eurovision), using a stroboscope, wind machine, Romanian Octopus uplifting music (very “What Prince ass are for Don’t break my heart (Nicola)” from 2003) AND fireworks. Massive applause at Casa Piglina!

Belarus’s Ellen Degeneres is up next, though most of the Sofa agree with Jawnbc that he looks more like Paris Hilton than Ellen. Tsk. Critical lot. “Surely that’s not a guy” is a consensus at the house. The song is still crap, but I have to admit that the act works: Women in suits are always a hit with me, the wallclimbing thing is clever, there’s a Claudia Beni-“let’s stand in line behind the lead singer”-moment (and why wasn’t the bigger background singer allowed in there, we wonder?), an apple-pluck dance and generally so much acrobatics that you forget the song is bad. Good thinking on their part!

Compared to that Iceland is far simpler, and perhaps a bit too simple. Anja is mean about Iceland, calling the poor guy “The Beast looking for his beauty” and making remarks about his hair. I’ll have you know, Anja, that that’s called “nonchalance chic” or summat or nuthing. Someone on The Sofa asks if Lordi forgot their masks, but then acknowledges the fact that Mr Eirikur can sing. Shame about the cliché song, but then at least they didn’t send Jonsi again.

Georgia, now there’s a country that’s looked at past Contests to see how “It’s Done”. The straight ladies on The Sofa are in awe of the dress and “the sticky things on her back and arms”, our Resident Star Wars Geek is in love with the ninja-backing dancers and The Girlfriend successfully predicts swordfighting. Add fireworks to that, and yes, you’ve got a qualifier. (The song however is very repetitive. Kinda like me! *g*!)

Montenegro really managed to mess up their song. It’s probably impossible to find outfits with less colour. Some horrid beige they paint hospital walls in, so the patients don’t get too agitated. For some reason the backing singers were dressed in fake medieval beige outfits and Stevan looked far too young to be standing on that stage. Try again in a few years. With a better song.

Onto ex-baker “René Baumann” (at least that’s what André says), or DJ Bobo for Switzerland. First off, I am so so relieved this song did a “Kate Ryan” and failed to qualify. Thank you, Europe! See people, neighbour voting does have its benefits! The mannequins on stage were a great find, but apart from that… what a shambles. They were trying everything they could think of to make an impression ( Fireworks! Jumping! (who knew vampires jumped?) Scary lead singer!), apart from sending a decent song. Anja mocks the christian fundamentalists who objected to this song because it was demonic (they should have objected on account of poor taste!), thereby losing her place in heaven, Bavada predicts. Poor Anja. Poor Dj Bobo….

Moldova brings us our first hussy-alert of the evening. My god woman! What are you wearing?! You can practically see… well, everything! Please someone tell me that’s not Moldovan fashion. Obviously (and thankfully, given the outfit) the girl shaves er… down there but all I can think is “is she wearing underwear underneath and if not, did she wear the same outfit during all the rehearsals and isn’t that a bit filthy”. Her dancers are waving red flags about, but I’m way above making jokes about that…Let’s just say Carola and her flag-waving is a new (old) trend and leave it at that. (“If that old bird can score with that, so can we!”) And the song? What song? How on earth did this get through and will we be finding outfits like these in H&M soon …?

Edsilia represents the Netherlands in an orange dress (what else), and I immediately point out that that colour didn’t bode well for Kate Ryan last year (but then, I admit that might not have been just due to the dress). The Netherlands are clearly going for the prize of “Worst Choreography Ever” because whatever they’re doing, it’s awful. Hair waving, legs up in the air, prancing about. WTF? I like the Kylie-shorts the dancers are wearing and Edsilia is very much selling the song, but despite her fantastic performance the song is still not good enough. Kip points out that the Netherlands send the same song year after year, and she’s got a point. However, the respect for Edsilia on The Sofa is great.

Albania, The Girlfriend and I -and I think Bavada- love thee. We may be the only ones in Europe, but at least it should be some consolation to you. There’s a scary violinist and a backing singer with a dress so gigantic she was probably brought on stage with a crane (according to Kip at least). Mister Ndoci reminds Spikey of David Brent and The Girlfriend of Kenny Craig, and we allow ourselves to be swept away by his bombastic ballad.

Aha, Denmark. Anja consistently calls DQ “It” instead of “she”, but I’m pretty sure no-one will file a complaint for discrimination. The VRT is saved from a lawsuit, for the time being. DQ sings so much better than I thought she would and is smiling the best toothpaste-smile of the evening. Such glistening white teeth! My god! Dj Bobo’s vampires would be jealous. The feather-stuff is pretty inspired and funny, the clothes changes are expected, but good and we amuse ourselves by noticing one of DQ’s boobs nearly hanging out of the dress. Definitely better performed than I expected, but a shame about the song though.

Croatia brings us what looks like a girl on a spectacularly Bad Hair Day (nonchalance chic, Piglet?) and her father. Still, Kip is in love with the man’s gravelly voice, I appreciate the reinstatement of the traditional Croation Clothes Change and we come to the realisation (yep, it took us only 13 songs) that slutty outfits and S&M-chains are very much in fashion this year.

And if we hand’t realised the theme by now, Poland would have quickly set us straight on the matter. My. God. Either I’m turning into a prude, or there was something seriously twisted going on on stage. All I kept thinking was “good god, girl, cover yourself up! What will your parents say?!” Can you imagine? “Mum, dad, I’m taking part in Eurovision. I’ll be in a cage and look at my outfit! Isn’t it pretty?!” Yikes! No it’s not! Our lone gay guy goes “well at least the stage looks nice” and the rest of us just stare.

But thank god for Serbia. Our esteemed lead singer comes onstage with her hands in her pockets (“oh fancy meeting you lot here, I didn’t realise I was on a stage and there’s an audience”), takes a bow and then starts belting out Molitva. The Girlfriend was already in love with her (oh shut up…) and I’m falling as well. Anja’s a bit rude –again-, The Sofa questions our crush, but The Girlfriend and I go wild. I mean, there’s girl-on-girl cuddling and touching! What’s there not to like!? Spikey says he misses a Barbara Dex-dress (what’s he implying?!), Kip says she looks like “Heroes”-Hiro, and Bavada comes to the realisation that every song he likes (including this one) vaguely sounds like a communist hymn. The straight women on The Sofa (not affected by Marija) discuss the complicated hand choreography. Well, I don’t think our Marija is much for dancing, to be honest.

The Sofa also questions our love for the Czech Republic: Don’t these guys get laughed at by their hardrock-friends? Are they in pain? Why must they frighten little children? Tsk. No taste, the lot of them.

And the cringe-factor increases with Portugal: three languages, a dancing man (who’s. Serious. About. His. Craft), shiny outfits and fans still can’t make this song any better. It’s just impossible.

Carola’s wind machine (I wonder, did she have to donate it to the winning country?) is back in full force for Macedonia. Its setting is still on “hurricane”, because this poor girl truly has to battle to keep standing against the wind. We still like Macedonenglish (“leave in harmony”) but apart from that only Mrs Duvelman saw this thing qualifying.

Norway also brings us that latin-light vibe (wouldn’t it have been hilarious if Portugal and Norway had been right behind each other?) that we hate so much. Thanks for that, Norway. Last year you brought us a delightful little elf, now… well… I won’t continue the allegory, that would be too rude.The clothes changes scare the population of The Sofa (“don’t take off too much!”), the gay dancers aren’t even cute and we start discussing Kate Ryan’s fate last year. That’s how interesting this is (and how much we still haven’t gotten over Our Kate’s failure last year). Anja chips in with “Bien conservé, la madame en négligé”, a rhyme worthy of Terry Wogan.

Oh! Naked ViolinMan! Obvious gong-playbacking! Pirates of the Carribean! A chinese theme! This can only be Malta! The men have shaved their armpits and the windmachine is blowing so hard Naked Violinman will definitely catch a cold (or he’ll get vertigo *snort*). And only now do I realise Malta didn’t get through to the final… what a disgrace!

Andorra brings us teenage-punk with phallic guitars and a lead singer who dances with his eyes. “This is Eurovision, I can’t just stand there, stroking my guitar… I know, my eyes will do the dancing!” Never have I seen boys more in love with their guitars. There’s a lift after the break (Johnny Logan wrote this, I’m sure) and The Girlfriend fancies the nerdiest of the group and proclaims “she always falls for the losers”. Erm? Hello!?

Hungary scores points with her white marcelleke (undershirt) (but what was the text on her top?), I still think it’s a bit pretentious, but I have to admit she brought it well and deserved to go through. The Sofa is wildly enthusiastic, but I’ll be very very pissed off if she wins. But then that’ s my problem.

And then Carola is back, yet again (This year is full of Carola-clones!), but this time for Estonia. Someone please kill off the wind machine! None of the qualifiers will be able to perform on Saturday, they’ll all be sick in bed. This performance ruined the song for me: gay boys in cardigans, girls in satin night dresses, stroboscopes… overkill.

And now the moment we’ve all been waiting for: Belgium. We’ll be good! We’ll be fabulous! We… suck. That poor leadsinger must have been terrified. The choreography’s cool, the lead singer only looks gay when he claps (how does that work?), but not even the vocoder can save us. A discussion starts on The Sofa about who exactly sung flat (the lead or backing singer) and even Anja realises it wasn’t good. “I have a feeling”, she says, “they were better in the rehearsal”. “Well, in the last rehearsal. They weren’t very good in the first rehearsals either”, André promptly corrects her. Thus endeth another Eurovision for Belgium. And the “Politics Debate” in Belgium can start again!

No, then Slovenia knew what she was talking about. Now in past years I’ve generally liked Slovenia and never understood why they don’t qualify. Luckily this year was different. A Very Dramatic Dress, Dj Bobo’s vampires in the background and singing about “moeziek”. Fabulous!

Turkey brings us Sertab in Goldfinger outfits, while he looks like the ringmaster at a circus (red tailcoat, golden bow tie). The Sofa proclaims he looks like Piet Huysentruyt, but then with hair, and the ladies are pissed off at me for saying he looked cute. What can I say, photos can be deceiving. At some point, for whatever reason, Kenan starts waving something, possibly his underwear, about. I don’t get it. But then apparently I’m the only one.

At least Austria is subtle. *Snort* “Yes, I’m a qualified dancer. I studied dance in college for three years, and my job now is to be part of an AIDS-ribbon at Eurovision.” But then I realise that some of the er… well, ribbonpeople are men and my love for this goes up a mile. Who designed these fabulous costumes? Men in drag, in trousers, with rubies on their penis!? Fan-tas-tic! Oh yeah, the song: still crap.

Onto everyone’s Granny’s favourites: Latvia. Now if *they* win I’ll be even more pissed than if Hungary wins. Why are they wearing medals? Do Latvians get a medal when they win their national Eurovision preselection? Were they all in the war? What war? Is it a swimming medal? Or do you get one when you graduate? One of the men –one without a medal- chucks away the rose he’s carrying. Great. Now he’ll have to buy a new one on Saturday.

During the interval it dawns on us that we won’t make it through. Even though we feel we might scrape in at number 10 and keep hoping. The main problem though, if Belgium were to win again one year… what on earth would we do during the interval? Finland did something cool with ice princesses and vikings, but what would *we* do?… Smurfs? Asterix? Tintin?
I think that until we figure that out, we should just keep sending something bad.

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Eurovision semi final (part 2)

15. Serbia: Marija Serifovic – Molitva
Ah, a ballad sung by a butch sexually ambiguous lady in serbian. Oh. And ballet dancers? That’s enough for me! Winner! Though the rest of Europe might be heading for a bathroom break just about now. She will get high votes from Croatia, Macedonia, Slovenia, Bosnia, possibly Montenegro and The Girlfriend and I. Possibly from no-one else.
Eurovision clichés: Weird choreography, probably.
Lyrics: “I can’t lie to god, as I kneel down and pray. You’re the love of my life, that’s the only thing I can say” (in Serbian)… right, the god reference is a bit too much for me, but reading the complete lyrics I can see a very dykie song here.
Terry will say: Something about the choreography. How Serbia have brought all their ballet dancers to Finland for this performance.

16. Czech republic: Kabat – Mala Dama
I wonder if these guys really have such deep voices or if it’s just an act to appear more like Lordi. I don’t really care, I quite like this. If I knew Czech, I’d sing along. Rock on!
Eurovision clichés: “We don’t care about the Eurovision Song Contest”.
Lyrics: “if there were a hundred women here, I’d ask her to dance even though I don’t dance” Well, if that isn’t sweet!
Will Terry Wogan get this: He’ll think it’s just noise and get an aspirin. (he really shouldn’t be mixing booze with medication)

17. Portugal: Sabrina – Dança comigo
Now I mustn’t dislike this girl simply because she has the same name as my evil step-sister-in-law who feeds her baby Fristi. I musn’t.
And this Sabrina, she’s a pretty girl. Quirky. Singing a quirky song. This entry is a lot better than what Portugal has tortured us with in previous years, but it’s still utterly forgettable.
Eurovision clichés: A clothes change in a desperate (and impossible) attempt to grab our attention.
Lyrics: “dance with me, blablabla, dance with me”
Terry will say: “During songs like these, you really begin to notice the set, don’t you”

18. FYR Macedonia: Karolina – Mojot Svet
Karolina might be a girl, and this might be a rock-type song, but not even the Girlfriend is terribly enthusiastic about this. Which says something. It’s another song suffering from the “we’ll pick things up in the chorus, but leave it slow in the verses”-disease.
Eurovision clichés: Sulky girl. Slutty girl?
Lyrics: “my world is eight notes, one balkan soul”
Terry will rant: “With “my world is eight notes, one balkan soul” this is by far the most obvious attempt to gather neighour-support and thus trick the contest! It’s now impossible for the Big Four to win! And and and!..” (Terry will love this, as you can see)

19. Norway: Guri Schanke – Ven A Bailar Conmigo
”Ven a bailar conmigo”? that’s not Norwegian!! Who does she think she is, Belle Perez? She wants to dance. She wants to feel your body next to hers. Feel the touch of your skin. It’s all very Spanish and very southern, the lyrics rhyme perfectly, but it leaves me cold. Cold, I tell you!
Eurovision clichés: Skirts will be pulled off.
Lyrics: “Let’s feel the beat, feel the heat, you and me”
Will Terry Wogan get this: Terry won’t understand how Spain ended up in the semi-final.

20. Malta: Olivia Lewis – Vertigo
Thank you, Malta for Something Else. Over the top lyrics, vocals and music. Just like I we like it. *Everything* gives this girl vertigo, which makes me think she should go see a doctor (preferably Greg House), or at least not prance about on a stage. Oh yes, there’s ethnic hand-clapping and the funniest lyrics so far: “you colour me blue, turn my passion to red, it’s feeling like I’ve become indigo”. Fabulous! Points for the most original rhyme of the evening.
Eurovision clichés: Twirling skirts! Twirling skirts! Ethnic handclapping! Strange lyrics.
Lyrics: “I say yes, you say no. Loving you gives me vertigo”
Will Terry Wogan get this: Terry will awaken from the deep slumber all the previous acts caused and he’ll love this. Because it’s Malta.

21. Andorra – Anonymous – Salvem El mon (let’s save the world)
Either these guys are so ashamed they’re taking part in the contest they don’t want to state their name or they’re very very modest. Personally, I think they’re ashamed. “Anonymous” sounds scarily much like Xink (Belgian entry for Junior Eurovision a while back) or like Green Day. Whichever’s more annoying.
Eurovision clichés: singing about wanting to save the world
Lyrics: “left, right, up and down, it’s upside down, that’s how we make the world feel now” (que?)
Terry will say: “foolishness”.

22. Hungary : Magdi Ruzsa – unsubstantial blues
Remember those scary Russian twins who won the Junior Eurovision this year? No? Good for you! Unfortunately this reminds me of them. It’s very “jazzclub” and it’ll probably be quality and very good and everything. I just don’t get it and it bores me. I keep waiting for this song to begin and it … well, I don’t think it does.
Eurovision clichés: are beneath them.
Lyrics: “You’re such a casual man, waving an empty hand. I’m helpless and I’m lonely without you”
Terry’s thought: “Quite good… well, by Eurovision standards”

23. Estonia: Gerli Padar – Partners in crime
Estonenglish!! Yay! In the photo on the official site Miss Padar looks an awful lot like the Romanian boobed woman who shouted “Let me try, let me try” a few years ago for Romania. That’s a good sign. This song is catchy as hell, she does that “Ronan Keating” “sh-slurring thing” and the lyrics sound as if someone has lifted them from a phrasebook. Fabulous.
Eurovision clichés: weird lyrics. I’m hoping for something with fireworks.
Lyrics: “The night is full of angels of sun, the demons fo pleasure and pain”. Something else for the religious right to get their knickers in a twist for.
And mister Wogan?: I think Terry will be so sick of the competition by now that he wishes the whole thing was over.

24. Belgium: The KMG’s – Love power
Wahey! There we are. We’re not even singing in French, and remember what happened the last time our Walloon friends sent something that wasn’t in French? Oh yes. We did rather well…. Right. Right?! Yes! Well, on the plus side I can say there’s no other disco song in the contest. On the down side I have to say it’s not that good. But, it’s not bad either. Which is one step better than usual. We should get extra points for our lead singer’s afro-haircut and his –hopefully- enthusiastic performance.
Eurovision clichés: A too quirky leadsinger. Belgium not going anywhere.
Lyrics: “Can you feel the lovepower coming my way, can you feel the lovepower, all day” (well, I didn’t say it was highly intellectual now did I)
Will Terry Wogan get this: Terry will LOVE it and will wave his Belgian flag around like he’s never done anything else. Or not.

25. Slovenia: Alenka Gotar – Svet Z Juga
Unfortunately for us, we’re followed by Slovenia with –what I think- is a fabulous song. It’s so over the top that it’s probably in outer space by now (they take the opera thing to a new level), there’s an accordeon –I think-, it’s in Slovenian (me liiiikes) and I’m expecting and hoping for a fantastic dance routine. And a dramatic dress. Of course all bets are off if the girl stands there like a muppet in jeans, flip flops and a hard rock café T-shirt.
Eurovision clichés: Opera. A very dramatic dress.
Lyrics: “moj beli svet, moj daljni svet” –there’s no English translation the site yet, so I’ve no clue what she’s on about. She might as well be reading out her grocery list. “One pound of apples, some carrots and a mars bar please”
Terry wil say: “Isn’t it nice to see an accordion at Eurovision”

26. Turkey: Kenan Dogulu - Shake it up Shekerim
Ah yes, this is how I like my soulless dance music: with a haunting beat, some Turkish influences, bad lyrics, a Turkish accent and a sexy boy. It’s a hit in this household, now all it needs is the rest of Europe. Fantastic!
Eurovision clichés: This whole song *is* a cliché. Turkish/English, ethnic influences, bad lyrics, … didn’t you read what I just wrote?
Lyrics: “lovey dovey lovey dovey all the time, I got lots of candy to make you mine” and “shake it up shekerim, I got what you’re needing” That’s about it.
Will Terry Wogan get this: Definitely not.

27. Austria: Eric Papilaya – get a life, get alive
See what they did there, with the whole clever “get a life, get alive” pun. Isn’t that funny? No. It’s not. And neither is the rest of this song. There’s the accent though, that’s quite funny, but … nah, not even the chorus saves this. This song reminds me of early Bon Jovi though, so I’m hoping for a similar mullet-haircut. Or perhaps Eric Papilaya IS Jon Bonjovi. That’ll be something!
Eurovision clichés: the accent. And reading up on the rehearsals: a red aids ribbon, lycra-clad dancers, glitter,…. Can they save this song?
Lyrics: “This is the time for us to Get a Life, open your mind to a better life”
Will Terry Wogan get this: After Turkey, Terry will have stumbled into the Helsinki nightlife thinking the contest was over. He’ll be heard slurring “why didn’t the UK perform? It’s a conspiracy” to every passerby.

28. Latvia: Bonaparti.LV – Questa Notte
Italy might not have taken part in the contest since 1987 (Bavada!), but Latvia are bringing them back for us with a song in Italian. Well, as long as it isn’t sign language, it’s fine by me. They’re bringing Pavarotti, Andrea Bocelli and whoever else sings in a slightly pompous operatic voice (perhaps even the Slovenian girl), along with them for a song that’ll surely melt your gran’s heart.
Eurovision Clichés: Singing in a different language than your own (or English), being over the top, opera!
Lyrics: “this night will be, the immensity, the love between us will never end”
Will Terry Wogan get this: If he hadn’t left already, Terry would have liked this.

Final thoughts:
I hope that Cyprus, Iceland, Georgia, Albania, Croatia, Serbia, Malta, Slovenia, Turkey and well… Belgium, obviously, get through to the final.
However, I think that Belarus, Georgia, Switzerland (urgh), Moldova, Poland, Malta, Estonia, Slovenia, Turkey and either Latvia or Serbia will make it.
But then what do I know. The only winner I’ve ever correctly predicted was Ruslana.

(a big “thank you” to the people at the BBC’s Eurovision message board who listed Terry Wogan’s quotes)

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Eurovision semi-final. Song 1-14.

Out of 28 songs, only 10 go on to the final. The others are stuck here for another year (and another year, and another year). This does not bode well for us, does it.

Some thoughts on the inescapable "neighbour voting" debate that'll start up again on Thursday. Despite that, practically all of the balkans are stuck in the semi final (again). Granted, *they*’ll probably get out of it –partly due to neighbour voting- and Belgium won't. But they’ll end up back here again next year. So why get upset? It just means that our participants only have to sing once, they can pack lightly and go on a bender after the semi-final. No need to “save their voice”, buy two Swarovsky-crystal suits or answer silly questions about what they’ll do if they might win. I think it’s a win-win situation, really.

But as ever, we go on with the show.

1. Bulgaria: Elitsa Todorova & Stoyan Yankoulov – Water
Ah, what an excellent opener for this year’s contest. Unfortunately a lot of people might think this is some kind of Finnish mating dance (as opposed to a Bulgarian mating dance) and will continue getting beer and crisps from the kitchen. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the first country of the evening, NOT the “dancing dolphins/Come Visit Our Country”- opening act. I love this kind of obscure, Bulgarian, drumming (though drums are *so* 2004) shrieking thing. I might be the only one though.
Very Tiii. But with less knives. Pity that. Watch out for the male drummer’s “Reggi”moment.
Eurovision clichés: Drumming onstage. (Been there, done that). Boy, I’m hoping for a clothes change. Get away from the drums, and do something acrobatic!
Lyrics: “see the young lad riding on his wild pony” in Bulgarian.
Terry Will say: “I don’t get it. This show goes on for hours and hours and it takes them half an hour just to start the bloody thing”

2.Isreal: Teapacks – Push The Button
Israel is telling us they want to enjoy the flowers, but everyone lives in fear because at any time someone might decide to “Poesh Da Botton”! And hearing this song really makes me want to do just that –I can’t believe I liked it at first-. Watch out for the falsetto in the middle. Oh yes, a falsetto.
Eurovision clichés: waving “peace” flags, pretending not to care about their results
Lyrics: “the world is full of terror, if someone makes an error, he’s gonna blow us up to biddy biddy kingdom come”. (in Hebrew, Hebrenglish AND Hebrefrench).
Will Terry Wogan get it: Terry will start on his first drink of the evening.

3. Cyprus: Evridiki - Comme ci, comme ça
Since our Walloon friends and yes, even our French friends have forsaken the French language this year, Cyprus thought they’d give it a go. (yes Israel also has a verse in French, but you’d never have noticed if I hadn’t just told you that) Evridiki does a “Carola” and is taking part in her third Eurovision song contest. She never made it into the top 10 though, and I don’t know what she’ll do this time. The song is catchy enough, but a lot will depend on her performance. And her boobs. (And let’s hope she leaves the tin foil-dress she wore in this youtube video, at home)
Eurovision clichés: Taking part in the contest again and again. This should have a clothes change.
Lyrics: “Comme ci, comme ça, je n’en peux plus, je suis déçue, tu m’as perdue”. That’s something other than the Fire/desire rhyme, now isn’t it.
Terry Will say: “There go the 12 points from Greece”

4.Belarus: Koldun – Work your magic
For some reason The Girlfriend likes this. Now The Girlfriend likes many impossible things (me, for one), but this… I guess it’s catchy enough. There’s a cuteness to the Belarusenglish (“able and weelling”), there’s the Bond style beginning and yes, it could be interpreted as a lovesong for everyone’s favourite Potions Master, Severus Snape (“you set my beating heart in motion, when you cast your loving potion over me”) but seriously. Come on. zurcherart pointed out how much Koldun looks like Ellen DeGeneres, thus forcing me to conclude that Koldun IS Ellen. Just like Borat is actually Sacha Baron Cohen. This’ll all turn out to be one big impersonation experiment, but Ellen will win and then Portia Di Rossi will run onstage and they’ll snog and… or maybe not. This song? Still crap. But the accent is fantastic.
Eurovision clichés: Ellen will probably not be wearing a shirt. Belarusenglish. Fireworks! A strange choreography with furniture.
Lyrics: “in this game of laff you always win”
Will Terry Wogan get it: He’ll say something insulting about Belarussian accents


5. Iceland: Eirikur Hauksson – Valentine Lost
Mister Hauksson is one scary man in his press pictures. Many a queen will scream running for his mother. Iceland brings us our first rock ballad, and for some reason I like this. He seems genuine. I do hope The Fast Show’s Johnny Nice Painter isn’t watching the contest, or he’ll be shouting “Black! Black! Please don’t hit me again, mother!” throughout the song.
Eurovision clichés: None. This is a Serious Song. With instruments and everything.
Lyrics: “I’ll let the music play, while love lies softly bleeding” (ouch)
And Terry? Terry will think Lordi are back.


6. Georgia: Sopho – Visionary Dream
Ah, a Eurovision virgin. How nice. They bring us Georgian ethnic type drums and shouting. A bit like Bulgaria, only now people will have caught on that the contest has already begun. Oh yes, I like. I wonder if they’ll go for the scantily dressed singer angle, or the Serious Ethnic Instruments and keyboards-angle. And if this girl will be able to sing live.
Eurovision clichés: Ethnic angle versus slutty angle. Which will they choose? Drums! Ruslana, but then for Georgia.
Lyrics: “Sailing through my story, sharing my history” (I know, not very impressive)
Will Terry Wogan get it: He’ll say something about Ex-Russians sticking together and getting into the final.


7. Montenegro: Stevan Faddy – Adje Kroci
Now that Serbia and Montenegro have split up, Zeljko Joksimovic can write songs for four countries, instead of just three! Only Zeljko didn’t get involved in this one, it sounds like Brian May did instead. How many guitar riffs can you stuff into one intro? Apart from that Montenegro have been taught well. There’s a “fire/desire” rhyme and in the press photos Stevan looks like he’s barely old enough to shave. He’s even got one of those disgusting 16-year-old “look I can grow the beginnings of a moustache in three weeks, I shouldn’t shave it”-things going on.
Eurovision clichés: The Fire/Desire rhyme!
Lyrics: “Yes, come forward, let me see your fire. Don’t you see the surge of my desire” in Serbian or Montenegrin. Which sounds almost as catchy.
Will Terry Wogan get it: Terry will continue whining about neighbour voting and how no-one ever gives the UK points because of “The War”.

8. Switzerland: DJ Bobo – Vampires are alive
I have mentioned this before. The nineties are back, and apparently so is DJ Bobo. You might not remember any specific songs of his (lucky you), but the minute this one starts, it’ll all come back to you. The shouting vocalising woman, the “DJ” who needs his fifteen seconds of vocals by chanting “Vampires. Get a life.” And underneath it all, the beat. Technically speaking, I'd like to add that vampires are never alive (that would be a big contradiction! hello!), they're undead (right, Spikey). It’s so much better than last year’s pile of crap “if we all give a little”, but then everything was. I hear they’ve got a pretty impressive stage show, but hey, let’s show these idiots that it’s not so easy to sway us with some pretty lights and slutty dresses and…. Fuck it. They’ll qualify.
Eurovision clichés: Being hyped when your song is crap. Probably several clothes changes. And live bats on stage. And something with fireworks. Extra points if Dj Bobo shouts out “clap your hands! Yeah!”
Lyrics: “Vampires are alive”… whine whine whine… “Vampires get a life”
Terry will say: “Ah, the madness that is Eurovision”

9. Moldova: Natalia Barbu – Fight
Tweedle dee dee goes the threatening music, there’s a sulkily singing “rockchick” who needs to hit some pretty high notes and Moldovanenglish. I am not impressed. The Girlfriend is though, if only a little bit. And I hear she’s doing well in rehearsals. I think it’s time they bring back their granny though, like in 2005.
Eurovision clichés: “I’m sulky and I want to be taken seriously”
Lyrics: “To face this cruel world, we gotta just fight forever” (like, totally)
Will Terry Wogan get this: Terry will talk through the whole song.

10. The Netherlands: Edsilia Rombley – on top of the world
The Netherlands are so pissed off at their lack of success in the contest lately (well, boo hoo, welcome to our world), they’ve asked back Edsilia (who came fourth with “Hemel en Aarde” in 1998) in some kind of last “if this doesn’t work, we’ll have to start bitching about political voting”-attempt. And Edsilia is a great singer and performer. But this song is just nowhere near good enough. It starts off slow (and that’s a big no-no in Eurovision, right Warskinny?), then picks up pace in the chorus, only to lose its power time and time again in the verses. Pity.
Eurovision clichés: I’m betting on a strange choreography and clothes changes. It’s sung in English even though everyone agrees the Dutch version was much better.
Lyrics: “on top of the world, I’m reaching out. On top of the world, I sing out loud”
Terry? Terry will be impressed with her singing, but will say “Hemel en Aarde” was better, and what a disgrace it was Imaani didn’t win in 1998, and that Drag Queen winning, wasn’t that terrible, etc etc.


11. Albania: Frederik Ndoci – Hear my plea
Ah, Albania, land of last year’s fez, I do adore you. And it’s that time of night again, where Piglet here goes mad for some obscure powerballad that everyone else will hate. I hear your plea, Frederik, I may be the only one in Europe, but I do hear it. And yes, there’s an operatic female singer, only to make this even more perfect.
Eurovision clichés: I like it, so it’ll get null points. Cliché for this year: the opera element.
Lyrics: “I beg you, hear my plea, take the longing of my heartbeat, for eternity”
Will Terry Wogan get this: He probably won’t. I doubt anyone will.

12. Denmark: DQ – Drama Queen
“And now for something completely different” with our first drag queen of the night. Drag queens at Eurovision! Whatever will they think of next?! Be careful, Homosexuals might start to like this contest and then it’ll be doomed! Doomed! Ahem. Right.
I wish I could like this song, because I do like my drag queens, but I prefer them to be like Ukraine’s Verka. This song is quite boring, pretty standard Eurobeat, nothing special. However, it does have glitter. Yay!
Eurovision clichés: a drag queen. Feathers. Boas. Outrageous outfits. Outrageous stage presentation.
Lyrics: “I’m your drama queen tonight, everything’s gonna be alright, when I get on the stage tonight”
Terry’s comment: “What a nice looking young lad”

13. Croatia: Dragonfly ft Dado Topic – Vjerujem U ljubav
Instruments, again. They really must stop all this modern stuff! I know I go on about this every year, but it’s Eurovision for crying out loud. We need glitter and sequins. Not instruments. This song is a Croatian/English combination, usually a good sign at Eurovision. Once again I quite like this, despite the instruments. It’s got the whole “I’m singing about all my pain and suffering and did you know they stole my goat the other day”-thing going on, and I’m a sucker for that.
Eurovision clichés: two languages for the price of one, one of the best bandnames ever heard (“Dragonfly ft Dado Topic”? What the hell?!).
Lyrics: “You’ll never know how much I loved you. You’ll never know how much I nee-ee-eed you”
Will Terry Wogan get this: I think he might. Terry and I, fighting for Croatia! (he could also start another rant about balkan-voting though)


14. Poland: The Jet Set – Time to party"
“Let’s party! You’ve got the right to party!” The points for the most annoying lyrics of the evening go to Poland! I think they’re trying for a Nelly Furtado (in her slut-phase)/Justin Timberlake type of sound, but … well, they’re not getting there despite trying to mix three different songs into one. As Tim Gunn would say: “I can already see this isn’t going to work”.
Eurovision clichés: all of them. None of them subtly.
Lyrics: “Hey guys, you know what I like – just like that. You know that I’m really hot” (subtle.)
Will Terry Wogan get this: He’ll marvel at the enthusiasm of the young boys and girls on stage. Then he’ll contemplate how hard it is to get a decent drink at a decent price in Finland.

And would you believe me if I told you there were 14 MORE songs?!
Wouldn't want to braindamage anyone so i'll post about those tomorrow.

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Damn

Our Joseph has had every door closed to him.

Damn you voting Brits!

(don't click on the link if you don't want to know who left Any Dream Will Do)

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Politics

In last night's debate of contenders for the Republican nomination for President, former Wisconsin Governor Tommy Thompson said employees should have the right to fire workers if they are gay.

(He retracted it later. Of course)

(yep, I thought I'd balance the Eurovision thread)

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Eurovision final Preview

Ladies and gentlemen, the Eurovision Song Contest is happening only next week.
Oh, the excitement, the excitement!!!

The bad news for us Belgians is: Anja Daems will be commenting this Eurovision Song Contest. Prepare yourself for lots of “I don’t get this”, and “Oh, but her dress was so much prettier”. Urgh. VRT, when will you ask me? I keep doing these stupid previews, then the recap, I go out of my way to try and be witty AND clever at the same time (ok, so I generally fail, but at least I try) and still nothing. Not a bloody thing! Not even the folks over at belgovision.com notice me. Tsk! Not that I’m bitter, but... Hell yeah, I’m bitter. I can watch Eurovision without getting drunk, so that’s one better than Terry Wogan. I’m prettier than André Vermeulen, smarter than Anja Daems and more obsessd than Paul De Leeuw. Now get me my own booth goddamnit!
It’d take less time than writing all this down!

I’ve decided to start with the Final this year, because –as a Belgian who hasn’t got out of said semi final in oh I don’t know… three years- it so easily gets forgotten.
“The numbers don’t match, Piglet” I can hear you say. Relax, they do match. The qualifiers from the semi-final are meant to go in between, so don’t worry too much. I can still count. A little.
Trends this year? Fans (the things that make wind... Something to do with global warming?). And opera.

Oh, it's gonna be a good year.

(A big thank you to everyone at the BBC Eurovision message board who so kindly wrote down a list of Terry Wogan quotes. I could never have thought of them myself!)

And now... on with the show


1. Bosnia & Herzegovina: Maria Sestic – Rijeka Bez Imena
Bosnia brings us a painful (the content is painful, not the singing) ballad sung by a gorgeous girl. Is this written by Zeljko Joksimovic? No, but it could have been. My heart breaks when I hear her sing, but then I always have a thing for Bosnian girls (and for Deen).
Eurovision clichés: Bosnia singing in their own language, Bosnia singing a ballad, a Bosnian girl being gorgeous.
Lyrics: “just once more I’d like to hold you so tight like it’s the last time, and forever my tears I’ll cry”
Terry Wogan will say: “One down, 23 to go. It’s speeding up already”.


2. Spain: D’Nash – I love you mi vida
Hey! hey! hey! Spain is bullfighting and Paso Doble-ing their way into our Eurovision night. Let me just say I’m glad they didn’t ask Las Ketchup this time. Oh, who am I kidding, I liked Las Ketchup. Their song was about as camp as “Flying the Flag”, they couldn’t sing and they were great fun. Shame about the hairdresser’s chairs though. But anyway, yes, D’Nash. It’s Spain as we’ve always known them, but then with a boysband and a smidget of English “I love you, Mi Vida”. Quite a compromise on their part!
Eurovision clichés: Spain singing in Spanish and being … well, Spain. We’ll hope for scantily clad ladies.
Lyrics: “babe, come to me, like the scorpio (sic) you are, and lash your deadly tail on me”
Will Terry Wogan get this: It should be inside his comfort zone.


4. Ireland: Dervish – They can’t stop the spring.
Yes! Ireland did NOT, I repeat, did NOT send Brian Kennedy to Eurovision this year! For that alone they deserve a place in the top 10 (again). Unfortunately they’ll need a miracle to get in that top 10 with this song. Now, the Oirish accent is in place and is terribly sexy. So’s the girl. That’s good. I doubt this lass will have brought her vicar along in the backing choir, which is also great. But the song is … well, it wouldn’t even stand out in your local folk festival. Pity.

Eurovision Clichés: Ethnic! From Ireland! (As a cliché that counts double).
Lyrics: “the curtain has been raised and Europe’s all one stage (her powers of observation are terribly astute), and the archipelagic icicles (!) have melted like the cage” tweedle dee dee.
Et tu, Terry? “you can never dismiss Ireland in this contest. They have won it too many times” After he pops on his Shamrock hat.

5. Finland: Hanna Pakarinen – leave me alone
Finland gets this year’s prize for simplest rhyme (“leave me alone, I wanna go home. I don’t wanna see you, so leave me alone”) and best wannabe-rockgirl. The Girlfriend likes this (big surprise), so I won’t be too evil. And I must admit the song’s not even half bad. But Avril Lavigne at Eurovision? All “rock”pose and nothing more? No, thank you. But I will sing along.
Eurovision clichés: Last year’s winner trying to make sure they won’t have to foot the bill two years in a row sending a less good song.
Lyrics: Apart from the poetry I quoted earlier: “The lies that you told will turn into sorrow. I gotta go crazy just to stay sane”. As Austin Scarlett would say “Oh my!”
What will Terry Say: “What a fine young thing” he’ll say, and then tell a story about some restaurant he visited the other day.

9. Lithuania: 4 Fun – Love or leave
They nearly were “the weaners of Eurovision” last year: a prospect which gave many a “serious” fan (myself included) quite a scare. Then again they were quite fabulous, I’ll grant them that. This year they’ve gone for something quality-ish, with an acoustic guitar and probably a campfire. Can you start a fire on stage? And would it be hypocritical if Finland said no after Lordi’s performance last year? It’s a fine line between boring and moving and I don’t know where the majority will stand, but for now I’m leaning towards moving.
Eurovision clichés: Erm … well…. None? There’s a slight Lithuanian accent… erm… I’m grasping at straws here! Aha! A horrid, horrid groupname!
Lyrics: “when I touch your hands, I’m trying not to think that at dawn you’ll be gone and I’ll be lost, numb and all alone”
Will Terry Wogan get this: He’ll call it “a moment for thought and meditation in this hectic evening.”

10. Greece: Sarbel – Yassou Maria
Sarbel looks like a gorgeous guy. And like all gorgeous guys in the pop industry, he must sing about a girl in order not to make less gorgeous guys jealous and/or comment on his sexuality. The official video of this song is too hilarious for words. It starts with a view of Herr Sarbel on the hood of a red car, looking at girls. Then he starts singing and “acting” what he sings. And there’s a fantastic neck-moving dance routine, I’m crossing my fingers he’ll do the routine during the final!
Eurovision cliché: Blatantly going for the Gay Vote, especially for Greece. Neck-moving dance routines!
Lyrics: “shake it up, shake it up, there you go, oh ooh. Yassou Maria” (though provoking!)
Terry will say: “what a good-looking young gent” (has Terry actually caught on that Eurovision is a big hit with us queers?)


12. Sweden: The Ark – The Worrying kind
I love Glam Rock. There, I’ve said it. Yet another coming out! I’ve seen Velvet Goldmine many times, I love men in glam make up (provided they shaved, obviously) and well, spandex… it’s not for everyone, but for special occasions (and if Eurovision isn’t a special occasion I don’t know what is) I can live with it. So yes, I love Sweden. The Girlfriend is chipping in with “what a ridiculous song, switch it off”. But I won’t. I owe it to the Ark to tell everyone how fantastic they are. They’re fantastic. And if you don’t agree with me, you’re an idiot. There.
Eurovision clichés: Men in make-up. Ambiguous sexuality. Spandex.
Lyrics: “I’m just a silly old boy with my head in the can, I’m just a mortal with potential of a superman”
What will Terry Wogan say: Something derogatory about Swedish masculinity. A reference to Abba probably.

13. France: Les Fatals Picards – l’amour à la française
And just as I was about to gush about how much I love this song, The Girlfriend starts snorting from the sofa “I always fast forward this”. Have relationships ever ended over Eurovision…? They might, because this is fantastic. It’s France in English! That in itself is ironic. And then they sing in French but with a scarily accurate English accent. It’s hilarious!! I’m hoping for baguettes, barets, striped shirts, those curly moustaches and a miniature Tour Eiffel on stage. Or no, the *real* Tour Eiffel! Bring it on baby!
Eurovision clichés: Ze heavy accents (the English one for a change).
Lyrics: “Et je cours, je cours, je cours, I’ve lost l’amour, l’amour, l’amour. Et je suis perdu, here without you, I’m crazy, seul à Paris”
What d’ya think, Terry? “Bloody frogs!”

15. Russia: Serebro – Song n°1
It shouldn’t surprise anyone that I don’t hear The Girlfriend complaining now. Pretty Girl Group, Russian accents (“Slaw down”), probably in short skirts, pretending to play the guitar or some other instrument. I can picture it now. But it’s good. I like this. Ok, so there’s a completely pointless pause (I’m betting there’ll be breakdancing) in the middle, but I’ll overlook this. I’ll even overlook the fact that they didn’t send a boy with a mullet, crooning to a dead ballerina who crawls out of a piano, scattering rose petals. Pity though. I could’ve watched that again.
Eurovision clichés: Funny accents. 12 points from the Ukraine. Breakdancing. (Considering last year’s entry there’s a disappointing lack of clichés this year!)
Lyrics: “boy you wanna take on me, cuz I’m your killing pill” (I swear I’m not making this up)
Terry’s comment: “We’re onto song 15 already. The evening is flying past, isn’t it”


16. .Germany : Roger Cicero – Frauen regier’n die Welt
How do you pronounce “Roger” in German? Yes, these are the things I start thinking about when listening to this boring song. Oh, I’m sure it’s swing, and I bet he’ll be sitting on a barstool clicking his fingers and there’ll be soft lighting and old fashioned costumes. This song is about how men are so easily influenced by women, women are the ones who rule the world. *sigh* Will. Not. Start. Feminist. Discussion. The last verse should be in English, but apart from that, everything is am Deutsch. Still no excuse though. Onto the next song. And bring back Texas Lightning.
Eurovision clichés: sending the same act twice (Max from 2004), singing in two languages
Lyrics: “Wie sie geh’n und steh’n, wie sie dich anseh’n, und schon öffnen sich Tasche und Herz...”
Mister Wogan? “If this doesn’t get any points, they’ll send in the troops and invade Poland. Again.”

18. Ukraine – Verka Serduchka – Dancing lasha tumbai
Ah, onto one of my favourites, Miss Verka Serduchka. There’s been quite some controversy about her: some Ukranians were pissed off that she’d been sent to the contest because “she’ll make the Ukraine look ridiculous”. Honey, look what Germany sent! You’re in the clear, believe me. Verka is not a drag queen, she’s a performer, but to me the first sign of said kind of“performers” in a country is a sign of greatness and hope. She’s original where the Danish entry is plastic, she’s natural camp where the UK is calculated. AND there’s an accordeon! Woohoo! Tanzen!!!
Eurovision clichés: All of them!
Lyrics: “Me English nicht verstehen. Let’s speak Dance! Sieben Sieven, eins zwei, ai lyu lyu” “Don’t live to dance. Dance to live”
Terry Wogan actually did say: “Verka Serduchka is a cross between Dame Edna and Sue Pollard”


19. United Kingdom: Scooch – Flying the flag
Turns out the UK didn’t end up taking advice from Jarvis or Morrissey after all. They didn’t even send Justin Hawkins… instead they sent… Scooch: two gay boys, two girls, flight attendant uniforms, airplane references, trolleys and a lot of innuendo. A. LOT. Of. Innuendo. Provided they don’t pull a Jemini (sing so off-key it scares even the kiddies), this could do really, really well.
Eurovision clichés: Complete camp overdose. Referring to different European cities in the hope that every mentioned country will give you points (they didn’t mention Brussels … hmpf)
Lyrics: “would you like something to suck on for landing, sir?”
Terry says: “This will bring the roof down!” “Soon to be tragically overlooked by the Neighbour Voting, I’m sure…”


20. Romania: Todomondo - Liubi, liubi, I love you
Ah, it’s time for the “as many languages possible”-song of the evening. With sirtaki! Well, or something like it. I was hoping for Sirtaki-ish dancing, perhaps acting out stereotypes, and yes…! In their preview video (you can see it by clicking on the link above) the Russian guy is wearing a fur hat, the French guy a baret (Perhaps he could borrow a baguette as well from Les Fatals Picards?!), and I’m not sure what nationalities the others are meant to represent, but I’m sure they’ll make it not-so-subtly clear on the night itself. I’m ashamed to say I quite like this, but don’t tell anyone.
Eurovision clichés: Translating “I love you” in as many language you can think of, in the hope that every country will give you points (yet again no Dutch, so… hmpf)
Lyrics: “everywhere around the world, I love you, it means the same. Every day and every night, only you can touch my flame”
Terry Wogan will say: “well, that wasn’t a winner, now was it”

23. Armenia: Hayko – anytime you need
Armenia! Land of the last year’s unibrow surprise finalist is trying to make sure they don’t end up in the final against next year. They’re singing a pretty standard ballad, which I love of course, but it will need a seriously good performance to be remembered. Really. Wearing white just won’t cut it, that’s how serious this is.
Eurovision clichés: Singing in two languages. Wearing all white, probably.
Lyrics: “I only wanna guard, every beat of your gentle heart. Look - and you will see, you can count on me, depend on me.”
Terry’s insight: “Aha, it appears that white is the new black"

(Semi-Final preview in a few days)

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Oops

I cleaned the cats' litterbox with dettol just now.

Just realised their litterbox now smells like the vet's practice.
They don't like that smell.

Oh god I hope they don't take to peeing on the floor.

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Loyalty day?

What the hell??

(through Melle)

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Eurovision: Sail away

Who remembers Jari Silanpaa? Ok, no-one besides the Girlfriend, Warskinny and I then. Nice. Finland composed what they think might be the "perfect" Eurovision song: lyrics, costumes, key changes, and had it sung by Sir Jari of Silanpaa. I remember being mightily impressed by his "package" during the contest of 2004, and hey, I quite liked the song.

Interested in "the perfect Eurovision song"? Try here.

Oh and yes. I am working on previewing all the songs for this year *g*. Tremble in fear before me, cretins!

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