The big five: shaggy hair, bulging biceps and strangers lurking around corners.

Last year Germany won the Eurovision song contest with a very simple, catchy song sung by a pretty girl in a simple black dress in the most understated stage setting ever. There were hardly any lights on and frankly I think they even forgot about the wind machine. What is this world coming to?! The result of this is that the big four have not only magically expanded (welcome back, Italy) but they also seem to have gotten their collective act together.
Well, maybe not Spain.
On with the Big Five....


France: Amaury Vassili – Sognu

Waaah! Vangelis! Conquest of paradise! Sung by a hot young thing with shaggy hair. The oddest opera-type video clip I’ve ever seen “hot young guy with amazing voice walks along the seaside”, “hot young guy with amazing voice and leather jacket encounters toothless French person”. Oh The Drama! The Pathos! This might win. My poor Dino. Oh god, I hope this doesn’t win. On the other hand... I’ve never been to Paris....




Italy: Raphael Gualazzi - Madness Of Love

Italy’s back! Apparently we’re all very excited about that. And I’m sure they’re bringing something amazingly qualitative but it leaves me stone cold. I mean, what is this? An actual song contest or something? Puh-lease!! And coming straight after France, well that’s just too much seriousness for me. I should hope the next song is something camp and over the top. Not a wind machine in sight for this one.




UK: Blue – I can

And now for the most ridiculous low budget video of the Big Five: the UK! France gets to take a hike alongside an amazing coastline (and talk to toothless people): Blue gets girls in ripped bandages doing some distracting dance. They’re serious about those cutbacks in the UK, aren’t they. On the plus side, they’re already trying out the wind machine and the portable shower. Now all we have to do is wait for them to get out the S&M gear and the jelly and start wrestling each other. Now I know I said this might win, but frankly I hadn’t heard France yet then. So with this draw, and the funny faces that guy who has to hit the high notes pulls ... you’re not going to win. Unfortunately. Because I like this poppy little thing. But then again, you never know ... perhaps Blue is Big in Eastern Europe? Come on, lads, show us those biceps!




Germany: Lena - Taken by a Stranger

Snicker. Snort. Oh, grow up.... I’m sure she doesn’t mean it that way. At least... I’m pretty sure. The cute girl from last year has grown into quite the vixen in this video. Call me a big perverted dyke, but I preferred the innocence over the squirming, but that’s just me. It’s not a bad song, but I don’t know how long people will remember it for. Still, kudos to Lena for trying out again (and thank god we have a son, we were morally obliged –with the whole pretty much being born on Eurovision 2010-thing- to name our child after last year’s winner and Lena being a pretty strange name for a boy gave us an out –on that same note we were pretty happy Milan Stankovic didn’t win last year despite “Ovo Je Balkan” being stuck in my head during the C-section)




Spain: Lucía Pérez - Que me quiten lo bailao

Again Spain have the best draw of the lot and we can count on them to send in the exact same song they’ve been sending to Eurovision before (apart from when they go for the ridiculous). It sounds like a Belle Perez B-side and I might have to take back what I said about Blue making the cheapest video of the lot. Then again, no, Spain spent money on costumes. And feathers. There must be a lot of naked chickens running around Spain at the moment. The song may not do much for me, but I’d sure like to go to that party (come on! There are people dressed up as penguins! How could I not?).